How should I fight?

Fighting Fair

We all fight. But the question is, can we recover from it? And can we go on to have more positive than negative emotion in our relationship?

Following are some thoughts on the subject.

Here’s a list of things to NOT do when you fight:

            * swearing

            * name-calling

            * pushing or hitting

            * slamming doors and stomping

            * throwing items

            * punching walls

            * pointing fingers

            * stonewalling or the silent treatment (after the initial cool down period)

These are destructive behaviors! And they will guarantee that your fight will escalate far beyond where you want it to go.

Here are some more things to add to this list:

·      Using the words “You Always…” or “You Never…”  Come on, these aren’t really true, are they? Does your partner ALWAYS or NEVER do something? These phrases push both of your emotions to the extreme. Not helpful! Try saying “Often,” or “Rarely.” These have a more moderate ring to them.

·      Being ACCUSED of something. For example, “You make me so mad!” is a statement that blames, without the speaker taking any responsibility for his/her emotional reaction. Much better to say “I feel hurt, or disappointed, or yes even mad when you…” At least you’re taking responsibility for your feelings.

To successfully solve a problem you have to identify it. And clarify, clarify, clarify! So the first thing you need to do is to calm yourself down so that you can think rationally. If you need 20-30 minutes to do that, take it. But be sure you re-engage to solve to problem.

John Gottman, the world’s #1 marriage researcher, says that if a couple uses a “harsh start up” going into a conflict, it will most likely end harshly. Insults, sarcasm, contemptuous talk are all harsh start-ups. Use a softer start-up for a better response.

Harsh: “I want Joey to grow up seeing teamwork. I want him to see us as adults and himself as the child rather than seeing me pick up after two kids.”

Softened startup: “You know, I’ve been working twice as many hours as I used to, and I am feeling overwhelmed with the housework. I need some help figuring out how I can get more help from you without feeling like I am nagging.”

Notice in the first one she is harsh, calling him a child. The second one uses what we call “I-messages,” the difference is tremendous!

My own parents did a lot of things wrong, but one thing they did right. I grew up hearing them praise each other. “Dear, you are wonderful!” exclaimed my mother often. It’s for this reason, I believe, that they were able to get their marriage back on track when it got negative.

We need to hear more positive than negative in a week. Let’s fight fair, and then the recovery won’t be so far away to reach!