Temper Tantrums: 3 Tips

Temper Tantrums

You’re in the cereal aisle when World War III breaks out. Your five year old son is screaming that he wants the Chocolate Critters with Marshmallow Frosting and you say no. Oh no! What a mean mommy you are! How are you going to handle the scene? EVERYONE in the store can hear him shouting at you, accusing you of being a horrible monster…

Parents everywhere face similar meltdowns from their children. It is NOT, as believed, a sign of poor parenting, but of good parenting! (“This is the reward?” you must be thinking.) The parent who says “yes” all the time to avoid meltdowns will regret it in the future. Here are three steps to handle to weapons that children will use to get their own way.

1)      Stop talking. 1-2-3 Magic expert Dr. Phelan says “Children see parents’ reasons and explanations as parental whimpering- sure signs that the parent doesn’t know what he or she is doing.” The kid senses that the parent isn’t sure, and presses in for the victory. And too often they win.

 Words that parents speak only pour gas on the fire.  Parents need to be gentle and firm with decisive action. Not words. Use a maximum of 10 words when the child is emotional. Better only one or two.

2)      Play it cool, don’t react.  How we handle it in the first 10 seconds is everything, and the best thing to do is nothing. Do not make eye contact, do not talk to her/him, ignore as much as is possible. There might need to be consequences, such as putting him in his room. (Or it may help just to sit with her until she calms down, not saying anything.) Checking out will surprise and bewilder the little ones; they will soon realize that tantrum get them one thing: Nothing.

3)      Be consistent. In public places, the child will soon figure out what works for him. She will yell and act up if she knows the parents will give in. Best to have your battle plan set before it happens. We will leave the store. Nothing you need is as important as the lesson that your child is not in charge.

Once your child (and you) have calmed down, talk about what happened, and how to avoid it in the future.  Briefly! Avoid shaming him/her, which long lectures do. Your child needs to know that she will be heard, but AFTER he calms down. And she needs to accept the fact that you are in charge. “Love you too much to argue,” is a commonly used phrase, MUCH BETTER than “Because I said so.”

Note: Your child will repeat it in the future, so don’t be surprised when he does. The goal is to have the tantrums be further apart and shorter, that’s progress.

Your child is watching you to see how you will react to his temper tantrum. Show him that you are cool, calm, and collected- and you love him too much to let him win.

How Do I Teach My Kids About Money?

Teaching Kids about Money

When should kids have an allowance? How much should it be? Should it depend on chores done? What is reasonable to expect for what age? How can I teach my child to save? To give? To tithe? These and many more questions plague parents.

There are two words we need to understand. Intentionality is the first one. You’ve got to be intentional about it, and you’ve got to be consistent. Doing or saying nothing will leave your kids in the default mode: that’s letting money control them. A scary thought!

The second word is Entitlementitis, which is rampant in our children’s generation. We can stem the tide by teaching them to appreciate things they have. Thankfulness is the opposite of Entitlementitis. It’s hard to go against the culture of affluence and “give me, give me,” but it can be done!

Here are three suggestions:

1)     Give them an allowance. Not a lot, but enough for them to have a little bit of free spending money that they can choose what to do with. Then give them 4 containers (baby food jars work well) with the following labels on them: Tithe, Give, Save, Spend. Talk with them about what each jar represents. Tithe is 10% which we give to God because He says to. After all, it’s He that gives us the power to make wealth (Deut. 8:18). We want to save and give some of our money because that builds character! Talk about each of these especially future goals and generosity. This can be a good discussion, and an on-going one.

2)      

 They should have the opportunity to do some chores for simply being a member of the family. Setting & clearing the table, emptying the dishwasher, feeding the pet, making the bed, emptying the garbage are a few that come to mind. Then they should have the opportunity to do some paying jobs, to earn extra money. Cleaning up the dog-pooh from the yard, helping mom or dad clean the pantry or the garage. You can probably think (with intentionality and effort!) of a number of jobs that need to be done, that kids can do. Put them in a “job jar.” 

3) Some parents pay their kids a commission based on how well or how often they do their chores. This is an intriguing idea, and may well be useful for your family. Read Smart Money, Smart Kids by Dave Ramsey and get some ideas from there.

As the kids get older, their needs change. They may want a pair of shoes for $400. Or a Smartphone! You can negotiate with them, agree to pay what a pair of “regular” shoes will cost and they make up the difference. Or pay half. My parents taught us to save for things by agreeing to pay half, and I remember saving for months to get that coveted doll.

Kids appreciate things they work for and pay for. “I will not offer up to the Lord that which costs me nothing” (II Sam. 24:24) Let’s keep on keeping on for our children’s sake. They’ll thank us someday!

Why Do I Procrastinate?

Procrastination

“I won’t do it now, I’ll do it later.” Procrastination is, unfortunately, a familiar companion to many of us on this life’s journey.  Why do we put things off? We know in our mind that it is not the best, that we might even regret it later on!

I’d like to suggest that there are 7 reasons why we procrastinate.

1)The Perfectionist. “Well, I don’t have enough time to do it perfectly, so I won’t do it now.” Alfred Adler was famous for saying we need to develop the courage to be imperfect. So, it’s a matter of courage- we’re afraid we might fail. Or fail to be the best. Or fail to win someone else‘s approval.

2)  The Adrenaline-Junkie “I’ll put it off till it’s exciting to do it. When there’s little time, there’s more pressure, and I like that feeling.”  Many of us operate like this, but it isn’t wise or mature. It’s letting our feelings run amok, not caring what is best. Which is better: to feel good doing it, or to do a good job?

3)  Passive -Aggressive, or Defiant “You can’t tell me what to do. Sure I’ll do it, but you can’t make me. I’ll do it in my own time…” We often deny this, but it is hidden in the depths of our heart. Really, you are rebelling against the thought (or the person) who said you have to do it. Recognize it for what it is!

4) It's not a fun task. Other things that are more fun get higher priority. This goes for things that are easier, or just things that I like better. Unpleasant tasks will remain as low a priority as possible until there is no other option (like a deadline) or it's no longer tolerable (like laundry or garbage). You could call this the path of least resistance. Again, not a mature or wise way to live, and we can overcome it by positive self-talk.  

5) ADHD. A description of ADHD, which I've found to be often accurate: everything is top priority, especially what I'm thinking about NOW. And NOW. And NOW. This can CREATE the situation in #2, where the pressure of a deadline creates a hyperproductivity and adrenaline rush, but it's exhausting to always live this way. Seek out help if you are a person who struggles with ADHD!

6) Lack of reward/payoff. A lot of times the payoff for finishing or doing a good job just isn't as high as we want it to be. This doesn't justify doing a substandard job or not making a deadline, but it does make it a lot less appealing at any given moment. This seems almost the opposite of the perfectionist one, but the phrase "better done than perfect" has helped me a lot with both.

7) Big picture overwhelm. For people who have trouble with details, especially dreamers, the big picture of how much there is to do total can be paralyzing. It can keep us from starting. This goes for everything from cleaning my room as a kid to designing a new course or reorganizing a room in the house. We have the vision, but the many steps it's going to take to accomplish it causes us to put it off until some "future point where I have all the time and resources." Which usually never comes. While dreamers are notorious for talking about things they'll probably never do, some of those things are things they probably could do, but are putting off. 

Get help from a practical person for this! There are lots of people who can help you make a dream become a goal: setting up steps to accomplish it. The world needs visionaries AND practical people; so if you’re a visionary, team up with someone who can help your dream become a reality.

These insights may help us because they take us deeper than the behavior. The procrastination is the fruit of one, or several, of these thoughts.  But with intentionality and effort, we can get the upper hand on it, make improvements. How gratifying would THAT be?!

(Thanks to Jon Gill for his valuable help on this blog.)

5 Words Never to Say to Someone Grieving (and What to Say Instead)

Grief

It’s been 10 months since Dad died, so I think a blog on grief is in order. We all will have times of grieving ourselves. And we all will have people to comfort who are grieving. ALL of us, that’s 100% of humans. Will we comfort with wisdom and understanding, or use meaningless platitudes? The latter can cause more pain, suffering, heartache. Do we want to be guilty of that? Read on….

“I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.” 

Notice that I said with you not for you. For you implies that you’re going to do something. That’s not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, is incredibly powerful. Just be present, as long as is necessary. Don’t leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In fact, it’s when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that you must stay.  It’s in those places- in the shadows of horror where we rarely allow ourselves to enter- where the beginnings of healing are found. The healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried. Grief is brutally painful.

To say the awful words “Everything happens for a reason” is spiritual, emotional, and psychological violence. It denies their humanity. It robs them of the chance to grieve! It shows a tremendous lack of understanding on the part of the person who says it. In so doing, we steal a bit of their freedom at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.                                

Wow, digest that for a minute. Re-read the last paragraph. Think about the last time you said that. Vow never to say it again!

Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

Yet our culture treats grief like a problem to be solved or an illness to be healed. We've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. So that now, when you're faced with tragedy, you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people — you're surrounded by platitudes.  (Tim Lawrence)

Mistakes well-meaning people make in trying to help those who grieve:

1.     Not listening well

a.    Giving unasked-for advice

b.    Minimizing the pain, saying “I know how you feel”

c.     Giving them quick solutions

d.    Criticizing them

e.    Becoming distracted, not really listening with the heart

f.      Becoming impatient, or putting them on a time schedule

2.     Misunderstanding  of the need for processing grief

a.    Not allowing the person to feel angry or hopeless

b.    Trying to hurry them along in the process

c.     Harboring the belief that crying is not acceptable

d.    Expectation that they will “get over it & move on” quickly

e.    Trying to teach them before they are ready

f.      Pressuring them to forgive before they have processed and are ready.

With children, remember:

1.     Children’s brains are not yet fully developed, so they react in fear much more quickly

2.     Do not lecture, teach, or give them sermons

3.     They learn best by doing, action, movement, physical touch, activities with things like art and games. Drawing is very powerful.

4.     Tell stories! Joseph in the Bible (Genesis 37-50) is an excellent one to help them grasp seemingly senseless pain and unjust  suffering

5.     Listen, listen, listen.  Allow them to share their feelings and do not criticize them for doing so.

6.     Set guidelines for their behavior (example: it is OK to get angry, but not to hurt anyone or property)

7.     Be ready to simply sit with them, play with them, hold them, and use few or no words.

8.     Ask them if they are ready to share; do not force them to do so.

Let’s be emotionally intelligent people! Let’s really comfort people, not add to their pain.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

There is a classic book buy this name, by Manuel J. Smith, and it’s
worth putting on your reading list.  Suffice it to say, many of us
have trouble saying “no”, but some of us REALLY have difficulty!

Here are 7 ways to say “no,” borrowed from Chere Bork. (cherebork.com)

1. “I’m sorry that won’t work for me right now.” These are magic
coaching words that can be used any time.

2. “Thanks for thinking of me. Can you give me 24 hours to think about
it?” Never say yes until you’ve thought about it for a day!

3. “I can’t help you right now, but I can help you next week!”
Everyone wants help yesterday. This delayed yes works like a charm
most of the time, as people want help now.

4. “I can’t do this, but I can…” Maybe you really want to do what
they are requesting but don’t have the time or energy. By giving a
smaller commitment you can still feel like you are giving, but on your
terms.

5. “I know someone else who could do this.” Often there is someone who
has more time, talent, and energy for what you are being asked to do.

6. “Thanks, I will have to pass on that.” Then shut up. No explaining! None!

7. Use the broken record technique by saying “no” three times. Keep
repeating it in a neutral, low tone and say it again. You could even
say “What about no do you not understand?” if they don’t seem to
accept it, and you’ve said it several times.

Put a Post-it note by your phone with the words “NO,NO,NO” to remind you.

You’ll feel much better setting boundaries. I remember when a little
girl was jumping around in my kitchen saying, “Will you read to me,
Cynthia, please, please, please?” I knew if I stopped what I was doing
and read to her right then, (I was in my pajamas) I would feel
resentful and frustrated inside. I answered, “No, not right now. When
I’ve gotten dressed and ready to go, and my stuff is ready, then I
will read to you.” I did what had to be done first, then read to her.
It did two things: 1) taught her patience, she had to wait, and 2) I
was not resentful inside!

Boundaries do nothing but good. It’s the false guilt that we have to
get to victory over. So let’s do it!

What? You want me to change?! 4 Ways that Work

How can I motivate someone to change?

 Out of our love and concern for friends and family members, we attempt to get them to change.  Desperate to help them avoid pain, get out of bad situations, or a variety of other good-hearted reasons, we use every trick we know of to convince them to listen to us.  Yet, so often nothing works. Or they change temporarily, but soon they revert back to their old behaviors. 

Why? Could it be that we are using ineffective means to accomplish our goal?

When a person has grown to a certain level of maturity, they begin to think for themselves. Yet, too often we use ways to try to influence them that do not respect their right to have a voice and a choice. Those who do effectively aid their friends and family members to change, focus on facilitating and engaging intrinsic motivation. Behavior change only lasts when the person is motivated from the heart.

Here are four ineffective means we use, no doubt all of us can relate to them. I will give an example of the effective ways, (probably each of us can come up with examples of the ineffective ways!)

1)    We use confrontation,          rather than collaboration

2)    We use education,                rather than evocation

3)    We use authority,                 rather than autonomy

4)    We use explanation              rather than exploration

First confrontation: Rather than pointing out the errors in their thinking directly, how about approach them with the attitude: How can we solve this together? This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as are based on the assumption that “I am right and you are wrong” and they communicate to the person that we think they are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative problem solving shows them that we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be “right.”

Secondly, education, which is the default mode of many parents, teachers, and other authorities: the lecture. If I had a quarter for every time a young person told me their parents lectured them I could retire. Talking at a person is belittling, and usually less than 1% of the content is retained by the listener. How foolish of us to continue to use this method!

Rather, use such things as reflective listening to engage with them and gain their trust.  “I heard you say…” “You strike me as very perceptive (intelligent, courageous, etc.)”  “I liked your comment, your story about…” Reflective listening and affirming character qualities are two helpful tools to engage and gain their trust.  Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be different?" or "How does ______ interfere with things that you would like to do?" What do you stand to lose? How does this line up with your goals?

Thirdly, authority, has been so misused that young people are becoming increasingly resistant to it. When authority is evoked, the person wielding it either employs some type of force, punishment, consequence, OR has to win the trust of the person he/she is speaking to. Obviously there are situations, particularly with young and vulnerable children where authority needs to be enforced.

 But to motivate another adult (or young adult) to change, it is highly ineffective to use authority. The word “bully” comes to mind, and unfortunately in religious systems, “spiritual abuse.” Evoke motivation by helping them identify their goals, and plan the next steps. Goals should be small, important to them, specific, realistic, and oriented in the present and/or future.

“What’s one thing you can do, a baby step in that direction that will work for you?” Respect for their autonomy is a vital component of truly motivating them to make better decisions. And it will help them learn to trust authority more, as they will see it can be there to build them up, not tear them down.

Finally, explore with them. Explanation falls into the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words, which go unheard and fuel discouragement. Asking them to look at their readiness:  “How important on a scale of 1-10?”   and willingness: “How desperate are you?”   is very helpful. Sometimes they need to explore how realistic their goal is: “What do you need to do this?”  Engage in problem-solving to explore how they can get what they need to reach their goal. This is highly motivating and encouraging.

Let’s learn to work with our friends, older children, and colleagues rather than against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in our families, places of work, and faith communities!

Creepy Crawlers or Warm Fuzzies?

Is it possible that bitter chemicals come out of our mouths when we say negative words? 

I heard a story recently of plants that died when negative words were spoken to them. There were two sets of plants: both with equal amounts of light, water, nutrition, and soil. But the difference was that one had a person speaking negatively: shouting insults, negative words daily at it. The other one had a person speaking kindly to it. Amazingly enough, the one with the positive words thrived, while the other one shriveled up and died!

Now, as a psychologist I know that bitter, mean words change the brain chemicals. And so can positive ones. (Whether they have an effect on plants or not, I’d have to try the experiment myself.)

But what if they do? Or, what if they ONLY affect brain chemicals? So, your brain will be healthier if you speak positively to yourself and others? DUH!

Read the following with this in mind…

Who has the power to “set the thermostat” of the environment in our homes and places of work? WE do! Do we want the atmosphere to be bitter and negative, or healthy, hope-filled? Parents, our children marinate in the atmosphere of our homes. They are looking to us to see how we cope with the challenges of life! Following are some tips on maintaining a positive and confidence-building atmosphere:

1) Listen to yourself. How many times do you hear yourself doing one of the big 3 C’s:

complaining, criticizing, or being cynical? Count how many times you say the word “frustrated”, “annoyed,” or other such words. What comes out of our mouth is indicative of what is in out hearts, so some time for reflection is in order if we are speaking too much negativity. Ration for yourself how many times you will allow yourself to express negativity per day.  Cynicism imparts the attitude that we are powerless, research suggests that we CAN actively work to change that. Learned helplessness does not benefit anyone.

2) Develop a supply of positive phrases that you can say to help you cope with life’s challenges.

 Here are some suggestions to get you started:

“Well, the good things about ____ far out weigh the bad.”

“It could be worse. We could live in ____ were there is no food, medical care, infrastructure, etc.”

“If this is the worst thing that happens all day (or all week) that is not TOO bad!”

3) Combat anxiety by speaking truth to yourself.

“What’s the worst case scenario?” “What would I do in that case?”

“Is anyone going to die?” (if we run out milk today, etc.)

“What is the likelihood of that happening?”

4) List all the positive things that happened today (or this morning, or about this event, in this situation, etc.). Work hard at counting/listing your blessings and giving thanks. This skill is very simple and many have heard it for years. Interestingly enough, it is gaining prestige as one of the “newest” discoveries in the field of psychology!

Thankfulness is a very valuable weapon in our quest to defeat anxiety, depression, and “entitlement-itis.” But it needs to be intentional, and it is taught best by example. Rather than preaching at someone “you should be more thankful,” list things YOU are grateful for, and then ask them to follow your example.

5) Quiet yourself. Take a few minutes to meditate on something of beauty and wonder, it will change your perspective. A quiet heart can receive from God. In our noisy culture we forget the power of stillness. Some call it the “gentle whisper” or “still small voice.” Peace and a hopeful attitude simply will not happen if we are constantly allowing ourselves to be bombarded with external stimuli, including screens! Addiction to screens creates a climate for anxiety to skyrocket.

Whether we are raising children, or working in another setting, perhaps with no children around, we will have a higher quality of life if we learn to be more positive.  Far from being a “Pollyanna,” we will have a quiet confidence that draws others to us, and commands their respect. 

Does the world need such qualities?