What? You want me to change?! 4 Ways that Work

How can I motivate someone to change?

 Out of our love and concern for friends and family members, we attempt to get them to change.  Desperate to help them avoid pain, get out of bad situations, or a variety of other good-hearted reasons, we use every trick we know of to convince them to listen to us.  Yet, so often nothing works. Or they change temporarily, but soon they revert back to their old behaviors. 

Why? Could it be that we are using ineffective means to accomplish our goal?

When a person has grown to a certain level of maturity, they begin to think for themselves. Yet, too often we use ways to try to influence them that do not respect their right to have a voice and a choice. Those who do effectively aid their friends and family members to change, focus on facilitating and engaging intrinsic motivation. Behavior change only lasts when the person is motivated from the heart.

Here are four ineffective means we use, no doubt all of us can relate to them. I will give an example of the effective ways, (probably each of us can come up with examples of the ineffective ways!)

1)    We use confrontation,          rather than collaboration

2)    We use education,                rather than evocation

3)    We use authority,                 rather than autonomy

4)    We use explanation              rather than exploration

First confrontation: Rather than pointing out the errors in their thinking directly, how about approach them with the attitude: How can we solve this together? This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as are based on the assumption that “I am right and you are wrong” and they communicate to the person that we think they are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative problem solving shows them that we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be “right.”

Secondly, education, which is the default mode of many parents, teachers, and other authorities: the lecture. If I had a quarter for every time a young person told me their parents lectured them I could retire. Talking at a person is belittling, and usually less than 1% of the content is retained by the listener. How foolish of us to continue to use this method!

Rather, use such things as reflective listening to engage with them and gain their trust.  “I heard you say…” “You strike me as very perceptive (intelligent, courageous, etc.)”  “I liked your comment, your story about…” Reflective listening and affirming character qualities are two helpful tools to engage and gain their trust.  Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be different?" or "How does ______ interfere with things that you would like to do?" What do you stand to lose? How does this line up with your goals?

Thirdly, authority, has been so misused that young people are becoming increasingly resistant to it. When authority is evoked, the person wielding it either employs some type of force, punishment, consequence, OR has to win the trust of the person he/she is speaking to. Obviously there are situations, particularly with young and vulnerable children where authority needs to be enforced.

 But to motivate another adult (or young adult) to change, it is highly ineffective to use authority. The word “bully” comes to mind, and unfortunately in religious systems, “spiritual abuse.” Evoke motivation by helping them identify their goals, and plan the next steps. Goals should be small, important to them, specific, realistic, and oriented in the present and/or future.

“What’s one thing you can do, a baby step in that direction that will work for you?” Respect for their autonomy is a vital component of truly motivating them to make better decisions. And it will help them learn to trust authority more, as they will see it can be there to build them up, not tear them down.

Finally, explore with them. Explanation falls into the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words, which go unheard and fuel discouragement. Asking them to look at their readiness:  “How important on a scale of 1-10?”   and willingness: “How desperate are you?”   is very helpful. Sometimes they need to explore how realistic their goal is: “What do you need to do this?”  Engage in problem-solving to explore how they can get what they need to reach their goal. This is highly motivating and encouraging.

Let’s learn to work with our friends, older children, and colleagues rather than against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in our families, places of work, and faith communities!