When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

There is a classic book buy this name, by Manuel J. Smith, and it’s
worth putting on your reading list.  Suffice it to say, many of us
have trouble saying “no”, but some of us REALLY have difficulty!

Here are 7 ways to say “no,” borrowed from Chere Bork. (cherebork.com)

1. “I’m sorry that won’t work for me right now.” These are magic
coaching words that can be used any time.

2. “Thanks for thinking of me. Can you give me 24 hours to think about
it?” Never say yes until you’ve thought about it for a day!

3. “I can’t help you right now, but I can help you next week!”
Everyone wants help yesterday. This delayed yes works like a charm
most of the time, as people want help now.

4. “I can’t do this, but I can…” Maybe you really want to do what
they are requesting but don’t have the time or energy. By giving a
smaller commitment you can still feel like you are giving, but on your
terms.

5. “I know someone else who could do this.” Often there is someone who
has more time, talent, and energy for what you are being asked to do.

6. “Thanks, I will have to pass on that.” Then shut up. No explaining! None!

7. Use the broken record technique by saying “no” three times. Keep
repeating it in a neutral, low tone and say it again. You could even
say “What about no do you not understand?” if they don’t seem to
accept it, and you’ve said it several times.

Put a Post-it note by your phone with the words “NO,NO,NO” to remind you.

You’ll feel much better setting boundaries. I remember when a little
girl was jumping around in my kitchen saying, “Will you read to me,
Cynthia, please, please, please?” I knew if I stopped what I was doing
and read to her right then, (I was in my pajamas) I would feel
resentful and frustrated inside. I answered, “No, not right now. When
I’ve gotten dressed and ready to go, and my stuff is ready, then I
will read to you.” I did what had to be done first, then read to her.
It did two things: 1) taught her patience, she had to wait, and 2) I
was not resentful inside!

Boundaries do nothing but good. It’s the false guilt that we have to
get to victory over. So let’s do it!

What? You want me to change?! 4 Ways that Work

How can I motivate someone to change?

 Out of our love and concern for friends and family members, we attempt to get them to change.  Desperate to help them avoid pain, get out of bad situations, or a variety of other good-hearted reasons, we use every trick we know of to convince them to listen to us.  Yet, so often nothing works. Or they change temporarily, but soon they revert back to their old behaviors. 

Why? Could it be that we are using ineffective means to accomplish our goal?

When a person has grown to a certain level of maturity, they begin to think for themselves. Yet, too often we use ways to try to influence them that do not respect their right to have a voice and a choice. Those who do effectively aid their friends and family members to change, focus on facilitating and engaging intrinsic motivation. Behavior change only lasts when the person is motivated from the heart.

Here are four ineffective means we use, no doubt all of us can relate to them. I will give an example of the effective ways, (probably each of us can come up with examples of the ineffective ways!)

1)    We use confrontation,          rather than collaboration

2)    We use education,                rather than evocation

3)    We use authority,                 rather than autonomy

4)    We use explanation              rather than exploration

First confrontation: Rather than pointing out the errors in their thinking directly, how about approach them with the attitude: How can we solve this together? This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as are based on the assumption that “I am right and you are wrong” and they communicate to the person that we think they are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative problem solving shows them that we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be “right.”

Secondly, education, which is the default mode of many parents, teachers, and other authorities: the lecture. If I had a quarter for every time a young person told me their parents lectured them I could retire. Talking at a person is belittling, and usually less than 1% of the content is retained by the listener. How foolish of us to continue to use this method!

Rather, use such things as reflective listening to engage with them and gain their trust.  “I heard you say…” “You strike me as very perceptive (intelligent, courageous, etc.)”  “I liked your comment, your story about…” Reflective listening and affirming character qualities are two helpful tools to engage and gain their trust.  Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be different?" or "How does ______ interfere with things that you would like to do?" What do you stand to lose? How does this line up with your goals?

Thirdly, authority, has been so misused that young people are becoming increasingly resistant to it. When authority is evoked, the person wielding it either employs some type of force, punishment, consequence, OR has to win the trust of the person he/she is speaking to. Obviously there are situations, particularly with young and vulnerable children where authority needs to be enforced.

 But to motivate another adult (or young adult) to change, it is highly ineffective to use authority. The word “bully” comes to mind, and unfortunately in religious systems, “spiritual abuse.” Evoke motivation by helping them identify their goals, and plan the next steps. Goals should be small, important to them, specific, realistic, and oriented in the present and/or future.

“What’s one thing you can do, a baby step in that direction that will work for you?” Respect for their autonomy is a vital component of truly motivating them to make better decisions. And it will help them learn to trust authority more, as they will see it can be there to build them up, not tear them down.

Finally, explore with them. Explanation falls into the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words, which go unheard and fuel discouragement. Asking them to look at their readiness:  “How important on a scale of 1-10?”   and willingness: “How desperate are you?”   is very helpful. Sometimes they need to explore how realistic their goal is: “What do you need to do this?”  Engage in problem-solving to explore how they can get what they need to reach their goal. This is highly motivating and encouraging.

Let’s learn to work with our friends, older children, and colleagues rather than against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in our families, places of work, and faith communities!

Creepy Crawlers or Warm Fuzzies?

Is it possible that bitter chemicals come out of our mouths when we say negative words? 

I heard a story recently of plants that died when negative words were spoken to them. There were two sets of plants: both with equal amounts of light, water, nutrition, and soil. But the difference was that one had a person speaking negatively: shouting insults, negative words daily at it. The other one had a person speaking kindly to it. Amazingly enough, the one with the positive words thrived, while the other one shriveled up and died!

Now, as a psychologist I know that bitter, mean words change the brain chemicals. And so can positive ones. (Whether they have an effect on plants or not, I’d have to try the experiment myself.)

But what if they do? Or, what if they ONLY affect brain chemicals? So, your brain will be healthier if you speak positively to yourself and others? DUH!

Read the following with this in mind…

Who has the power to “set the thermostat” of the environment in our homes and places of work? WE do! Do we want the atmosphere to be bitter and negative, or healthy, hope-filled? Parents, our children marinate in the atmosphere of our homes. They are looking to us to see how we cope with the challenges of life! Following are some tips on maintaining a positive and confidence-building atmosphere:

1) Listen to yourself. How many times do you hear yourself doing one of the big 3 C’s:

complaining, criticizing, or being cynical? Count how many times you say the word “frustrated”, “annoyed,” or other such words. What comes out of our mouth is indicative of what is in out hearts, so some time for reflection is in order if we are speaking too much negativity. Ration for yourself how many times you will allow yourself to express negativity per day.  Cynicism imparts the attitude that we are powerless, research suggests that we CAN actively work to change that. Learned helplessness does not benefit anyone.

2) Develop a supply of positive phrases that you can say to help you cope with life’s challenges.

 Here are some suggestions to get you started:

“Well, the good things about ____ far out weigh the bad.”

“It could be worse. We could live in ____ were there is no food, medical care, infrastructure, etc.”

“If this is the worst thing that happens all day (or all week) that is not TOO bad!”

3) Combat anxiety by speaking truth to yourself.

“What’s the worst case scenario?” “What would I do in that case?”

“Is anyone going to die?” (if we run out milk today, etc.)

“What is the likelihood of that happening?”

4) List all the positive things that happened today (or this morning, or about this event, in this situation, etc.). Work hard at counting/listing your blessings and giving thanks. This skill is very simple and many have heard it for years. Interestingly enough, it is gaining prestige as one of the “newest” discoveries in the field of psychology!

Thankfulness is a very valuable weapon in our quest to defeat anxiety, depression, and “entitlement-itis.” But it needs to be intentional, and it is taught best by example. Rather than preaching at someone “you should be more thankful,” list things YOU are grateful for, and then ask them to follow your example.

5) Quiet yourself. Take a few minutes to meditate on something of beauty and wonder, it will change your perspective. A quiet heart can receive from God. In our noisy culture we forget the power of stillness. Some call it the “gentle whisper” or “still small voice.” Peace and a hopeful attitude simply will not happen if we are constantly allowing ourselves to be bombarded with external stimuli, including screens! Addiction to screens creates a climate for anxiety to skyrocket.

Whether we are raising children, or working in another setting, perhaps with no children around, we will have a higher quality of life if we learn to be more positive.  Far from being a “Pollyanna,” we will have a quiet confidence that draws others to us, and commands their respect. 

Does the world need such qualities?

Digging Up Roots Leads to Awesome Stories

I was weeding the garden the other day. Weeds that have shallow root systems were easy to pull out. But those with extensive ones- whoa, watch out! I got to thinking that that is like lies in our mind. Roots of bitterness that go deep, take longer to get out. They’re more persistent. (But we can eliminate them, with hard work and intentionality). How much better that we get them out while they are still young and fresh.

The most amazing story is told of a group of five young families living in Ecuador in 1956. They were concerned about a tribe on the verge of extinction, and as outsiders wanted to bring the understanding of a new way of life to that tribe.  This tribe called the Waodani was very egalitarian, but if anyone offended the other, the only recourse they had was to kill them. Life expectancy was short for these people, as all had family members that had been speared, and each of them lived in fear that they would be next.

  

The five men learned some of their language, and went to the jungles to befriend the Waodani. After several weeks of contact and gift exchanging, they thought they had earned some trust of these people. But, tragically, all five of them were speared to death, as the Waodani became fearful of them.

The wife and sister of two of the men went to live among these people. They were able to teach them a different way to relate to each other, based on forgiveness and mutual respect, and the tribe accepted them. The killers adopted the children of the five slain men. Even 50 years later, the friendships remain; movies and books have been written about this story.  And the Waodani freely tell how they would have all killed each other had these people not shown them different way to live.

Now THAT’S forgiveness!

The story is told of Thomas Edison and his light bulb. When he was inventing it, it took nearly 100 hours to make one. His assistant, a young man, took the light bulb in his hands to carry it upstairs, and crash! He tripped, smashing it into smitherines. Edison did not rebuke him, but reassured him, and calmly told his staff to get busy making another one. Several weeks later, the bulb was finished. With a look of confidence, Edison asked this same young man to carry it upstairs. Did he deserve it? Not really! How do you think he felt about his relationship with his boss after that?

Now THAT’S forgiveness!

Most of us are not in that situation though. We haven’t had a relative murdered, or even a valuable light bulb smashed. It’s the little things that count.

Weeds of resentment begin to take root when we don’t fight fair.

“You always make us late, because you don’t have margin in your life.” This statement breaks two of the rules of fighting fair: it says “ALWAYS” in an attempt to make your point. The second rule it breaks is it says “YOU” in an accusatory way. Guaranteed to elicit a defensive responsive reaction.

How can a person respond, expressing themselves, yet have what John Gottman calls a “gentle startup” to a disagreement? First off she could say “I’m frustrated by how often we are late.” Note that this doesn’t contain the always/never extreme. Extreme statements push us to extreme emotions, NOT what we need when we’re trying to work out a problem. I messages are always better: take responsibility for your own emotions.

“I wish you would have more margin in your life…” instead of accusing the person of having NONE. This removes the element of control. And yet you are expressing yourself. The person then (ideally) would respond “I’m trying.”

This is an example if a gentle start up and an amicable ending to what otherwise could have escalated into a bitter fight.

            The Bible says “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Prov. 15:1) When fights start with harshness, insults, sarcasm, contempt, they usually end that way. Unresolved. No wonder so many relationships turn sour over the years!

Forgiveness starts with a gentle answer; that’s living the lifestyle of forgiveness. A much better way to live.

Keeping Your Kids Safe from the New Strangers

This week I’m borrowing a blog from a person who has an idea worth exporting. “Tricky People” are the new strangers. They are the people who aren’t safe; you can tell that because THEY ASK KIDS FOR HELP!!
Read this blog, and watch teach your kids to be smarter…
Quick backstory. Actually, I’m incapable of condensing anything so it can be considered “quick” but I’ll try. Three days ago I was in the shower around 8:30am when it felt like I was shot in my left ovary. You didn’t see that one coming, did you?  In short, it was an unbearable pain that had me doubled over, light-headed, and incredibly nauseous. Well, with the help of some unseen angels, truly, I somehow got enough clothes on my body to be decent, and drove my four kids and myself five minutes to the ER. (My husband was out of town which has proven to be a common theme in our house when family emergencies arise.)
In a moment of what I deem foggy-thinking “pain brain” I left my two oldest boys–CJ (10) and T-Dawg (8) outside the ER door on a bench to await our kind neighbor who said he was coming to pick them up and take them to school (thanks to my parents who arranged all this while I was driving to the ER). My younger two and I went inside to see if we couldn’t figure out what the heck was causing the pain. Spoiler alert: Ruptured ovarian cyst. Really fun stuff.

It wasn’t until my boys came home from school at 3:30pm, that I found out they had been waaaay late to school. I had wrongly assumed my neighbor was coming from his house (not somewhere farther away), so my two boys sat out front of the ER for 40 minutes. Not the 5 minutes I had expected. Their story of what had transpired while I had stupidly left them out there alone made me simultaneously sick and grateful.
In that 40 minutes of obedient sitting and waiting, my two boys experienced their first real-world experience with the freaky, perverted strangers they’ve been intermittently warned about. While on that bench, they were approached by an adult female and two punk males who asked them if they’d “help them out by going into the bathroom where her boyfriend was hiding from the doctor and see if they could convince him to come out and get treated.” Yes, I’m serious that’s what they said. Even after CJ replied, “No, thank you” they kept at them.

“Please? You could really save his life if you’d just go in that bathroom and tell him it’s safe to come out.”
CJ said he returned all three of their pleas for help with a “no, thank you” (each stronger than the last) before they finally let up. Shortly afterward, the neighbor showed up and my boys jumped in his car, but, not before they saw a third adult male come out from the bathroom, jump into the car with these other three hooligans and drive off.

My mouth hung open the entire time they relayed this account.

My anger and shock turned to immense gratitude, however, when I heard CJ spout off a family “stay safe” rule we went over way too long ago that helped him know these creeps were up to no good. Most specifically, a tip for identifying a “tricky person.”
CJ: “Mom, I knew they were tricky people because they were asking us for help. Adults don’t ask kids for help.”
Have you heard of the tricky people concept?  Tricky people are the new strangers. Pattie Fitzgerald, the creator of Safely Ever After where the tricky people concept originated says, “Stop telling your kids not to talk to strangers. They might need to talk to a stranger one day. Instead, teach them which sorts of strangers are safe.”
One of her guidelines for knowing what people are unsafe is the rule CJ remembered in time of need–tricky people ask kids for help. If a safe adult needs help, they’ll ask another adult. Not a kid. Pattie includes many other tips and rules for staying safe under her “prevention tips” tab on her Safely Ever After website. This website also does a great job of re-capping her life-saving information.
Click on and read all that information if you haven’t already. Please. Hold family meetings where you talk about and role play these concepts periodically. This experience has made me grateful that we had gone over this in the past, but even more so, it’s made me determined to continue going over these stay safe rules. Regularly.
 
When it’s all said and done, the phrase “knowledge is power” undoubtedly applies to our kids keeping themselves safe. We know we won’t always be physically present to protect our kids from everything–I’m sure you lose sleep over this like I do. But, we can empower them and give them confidence by teaching them what they can do in these kind of situations.

I know our next family meeting will involve CJ teaching his siblings about identifying tricky people, and us interjecting information to fill the holes in our teaching we noticed from this experience. Like for instance, there is no need to be polite to an adult that is making you uncomfortable. Thank you Texas for teaching my boys your dreamy Southern hospitality but in the event adults are making my kids uncomfortable or are asking them to break their stay safe rules, a “no thank you” is not required.
Sigh.
 I shared this whole experience with you so you could learn from it. Like we have. If you haven’t already, take the necessary time to establish your own family stay safe rules–the links I’ve included in this post are a great place to start. If you’ve already got your family stay safe rules in place, re-visit them. And don’t forget the tricky person concept because let’s face it, our kids are growing in a world that’s replete with them.
Update: I have since contacted Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After mentioned above, in regards to whether or not her two children’s books on Amazon teach the tricky people concept. Her reply is below for those of you interested in using a book to help you teach this and other stay safe concepts to your children:
“My book No Trespassing – This Is MY Body! is all about private parts/personal safety and thumbs up touches vs. thumbs down touches.  It’s very child friendly and not weird or yucky.  Just good common sense in kid-friendly language.

It doesn’t touch upon the tricky people concept very much, but my second book does.  It’s called Super Duper Safety School. It takes the safety rules and explains each one in child-friendly terms that make sense and are empowering.  It covers tricky people, being the boss of your body, the uh-oh feeling, check first, and much more.  Both are available on Amazon.”
Tags:
confidence, stay safe

"I could read this every week!"

I spend a lot of time alone. The other day, seeing people walking and talking together, I was wishing I could have more friends. Then, one weekend, I was with friends practically non-stop. And I cried out “Help, I need some alone time!”

Contentment.  How elusive it is! Yet are there some secrets we can learn that will bring us to experience more of it? I told my granddaughter I knew the secret of happiness. I had her attention. It is: wanting what we have, not wanting what we can’t have.

How simple. Yet, how hard. The hardest commandment to keep is the last one: you shall not covet. Jealousy is part of our fallen nature. It was jealousy that led Lucifer astray. It was jealousy of God himself that led Adam and Eve to eat the fruit – jealousy is a lack of faith that God has our best in mind!

Jealousy takes many forms. Comparing ourselves to someone else, and wishing for their gifts. Particularly lethal is wishing our spouse would be like him/her. Wanting more money, a certain car, house, or type of clothing. Aspiring to a ministry is ok, but where is the line between honestly hoping to do something great, and bitter jealousy or selfish ambition? We all can relate to some of these, perhaps all of them.

I’ve found that I need to be honest with myself when I’m jealous of someone else. Only then can I deal with it. Whether it’s a small thing like “I wish I had more friends,” or a big thing like “Why did Psychology Today call about our book, but never followed up on it?” (this happened with our book), I need to talk to myself directly. I can talk myself down from feeling discontented if I want to, if I am honest about it, really admitting that I am jealous of someone else. If I want to. Perhaps I need some time to feel sorry for myself. But, the negative comments, the complaining that comes from a discontented soul…is that worth it?

There are three things that contribute to contentment.

1) Gratitude is part of the answer. We have so much to be thankful for! Think about if you lived in a war-torn country, or a developing nation. Then our “first world problems” wouldn’t seem so big! Or imagine if you were disabled somehow. The smallest thing would be a victory.

I often do this exercise with my clients. Imagine you are blind for a minute. Then list two things you are grateful you can see. The same for hearing: two things that give you pleasure to listen to. Imagine two things that you love to touch, two things you love to smell, and you love to taste. What a joy it is, listing 10 things they are grateful for! The smallest things we take for granted can be recognized as pleasures.

Our Intensive Outpatient Program uses gratitude to bring healing to its participants. Each person has to come up with three things they are thankful for every day - and they can’t be the same. One lady said that changes her attitude first thing in the morning, planning what she is going to say. Amazing.

2) The second part is intentionality. The other day I was having one of those pity-parties. I let myself cry and feel sorry for myself for a while. But then I thought, “I spend the whole week, trying to get others to think positive thoughts, yet here I am, in the depths…” Just then I happened to look in the rearview mirror (I was driving). There was a man in the car behind me who reminded me of a dear friend, a pastor who was so kind and caring. I decided to think about him for a while, remembering words he had spoken, things he had done. Before I knew it, I was out of the dumps, thinking more rational and positive thoughts.

But it was intentionality that did it. If I hadn’t wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of the doldrums like that. The mind naturally goes to negative thoughts unless effort and intentionality are used.

3) The third tool that helps us achieve contentment is perspective. How long do we have to put up with pain, sorrow, heartache? I’d like to quote John MacArthur in this one “A person’s ability to bear up under sorrow is directly related to his ability to focus on the eternal, rather than the temporal.” (Bible Commentary) The Bible says “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory far beyond comparison. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen…” (II Cor 4:17, 18a)

One client who was real depressed told me how to encourage her: “Just tell me that this too shall pass.” It sounds simple, but it requires us to dial in to a different paradigm. That all of this life is just temporary, a preparation for the next one.
 

In conclusion, if we focus on what we do have rather than what we don’t/can’t have; if we want to, we can choose to be content. Sometimes we need to play tricks on our minds to get them there, but we can. If we focus on the unseen rather than the seen, we CAN be content!

Let’s choose to be less complain-y and more contented and grateful.
Doesn’t that sound like a better way to live?

---

Vinegar or Honey? Dealing with Bitterness

BITTERNESS

A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including wanting him to die! According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder...

As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!

Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others. When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts came into my mind.

Not the best way to live!

Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.

1)      Anger, cynicism, harshness in communication, and irrational reactions result from bitterness. These are the kinds of things that people work on when they visit counselors, IF they are courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people find solace in an empathetic friend, a journal, or a book.  Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways such as various addictions.

2)     The goal of grieving is acceptance of the loss, while overcoming the bitterness.  Acceptance may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we were disappointed? Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a non-judgmental way that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make the costly but life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It may take time for our emotions to process the hurt and reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory will not have the power to arouse or anger us again.

3)     Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong means asking for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous and responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a survival attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let yourself or others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time schedule.

4)      Avoid minimizing your feelings, but don’t let them rule you either. Some people grieve in increments, setting aside 15 minutes a day to feel the grief and anger, then returning those grief-filled feelings to their velvet lined basket in the corner of their mind until the next “grieving time”.

5)     For people of faith, it is valuable to look at disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our ability to hear God’s will.

6)      Some people engage in self-loathing. Some people are confused about self-loathing, thinking that it equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate. True humility is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness. (It’s not all about me.)

 When we don’t understand, our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God. God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.

 But the mature individual will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe is an unwise position, to say the least.  Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.

God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18). Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/ accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution (multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.

Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.

Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the wounds you carry!

The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or BETTER?