"Poor me!" Dealing with Disappointment

Everyone experiences disappointment. 

The “Not getting what we hoped for” disappointment happens regularly.  Sometimes the disappointment is huge and life-changing, such as the tragic death of a loved one. Sometimes it is a lower level disappointment, such as the cancellation of a picnic due to rain. Or anything in between.  Regardless of the type of disappointment, we often struggle to adjust to our loss.

 No wonder I taught my granddaughter the word “Disappointment” when she was barely two. An important emotion to identify!

There are a variety of ways we can respond to disappointment, some are useful for our long range emotional and relational health, and some that are not so useful

I remember how I used to deal with disappointment: I had a pity party! “Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.

The most common response to disappointment is to blame.  Blame one’s spouse, blame God, blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any combination of these. It is certainly human to assign blame when we are hurt. The anger we feel is normal. I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That disappointment hung between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, that has been resolved.)

There are two emotions that we need to recognize and learn to manage wisely: anger and grief.

Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as threatening.  Since anger is a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well-known fact; many are unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling to deal with underlying fear and hurt.

Some people are afraid of anger, especially if they grew up in a family atmosphere where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or self-loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually harms others either mentally, emotionally, or physically.

Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely expressing angry feelings.  The self-talk that fuels it needs to be changed.

Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc. Grieving is a sign of love, our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love.  To cope with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe, non-judgmental person.

We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing, are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the hurt will you make room for healing.

Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live with unresolved grief.  Undealt-with grief frequently turns to bitterness.

The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s honor our emotions of disappointment and grief.  “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change. 

So, honor your grief, anger, and pain, but hold on to hope. This too shall pass…

How should I fight?

Fighting Fair

We all fight. But the question is, can we recover from it? And can we go on to have more positive than negative emotion in our relationship?

Following are some thoughts on the subject.

Here’s a list of things to NOT do when you fight:

            * swearing

            * name-calling

            * pushing or hitting

            * slamming doors and stomping

            * throwing items

            * punching walls

            * pointing fingers

            * stonewalling or the silent treatment (after the initial cool down period)

These are destructive behaviors! And they will guarantee that your fight will escalate far beyond where you want it to go.

Here are some more things to add to this list:

·      Using the words “You Always…” or “You Never…”  Come on, these aren’t really true, are they? Does your partner ALWAYS or NEVER do something? These phrases push both of your emotions to the extreme. Not helpful! Try saying “Often,” or “Rarely.” These have a more moderate ring to them.

·      Being ACCUSED of something. For example, “You make me so mad!” is a statement that blames, without the speaker taking any responsibility for his/her emotional reaction. Much better to say “I feel hurt, or disappointed, or yes even mad when you…” At least you’re taking responsibility for your feelings.

To successfully solve a problem you have to identify it. And clarify, clarify, clarify! So the first thing you need to do is to calm yourself down so that you can think rationally. If you need 20-30 minutes to do that, take it. But be sure you re-engage to solve to problem.

John Gottman, the world’s #1 marriage researcher, says that if a couple uses a “harsh start up” going into a conflict, it will most likely end harshly. Insults, sarcasm, contemptuous talk are all harsh start-ups. Use a softer start-up for a better response.

Harsh: “I want Joey to grow up seeing teamwork. I want him to see us as adults and himself as the child rather than seeing me pick up after two kids.”

Softened startup: “You know, I’ve been working twice as many hours as I used to, and I am feeling overwhelmed with the housework. I need some help figuring out how I can get more help from you without feeling like I am nagging.”

Notice in the first one she is harsh, calling him a child. The second one uses what we call “I-messages,” the difference is tremendous!

My own parents did a lot of things wrong, but one thing they did right. I grew up hearing them praise each other. “Dear, you are wonderful!” exclaimed my mother often. It’s for this reason, I believe, that they were able to get their marriage back on track when it got negative.

We need to hear more positive than negative in a week. Let’s fight fair, and then the recovery won’t be so far away to reach!

                      

3 Tips on Forgiveness that You and Your Kids Need to Know

I recently read a good blog post about shaming into forgiveness, which prompted
this one. My son asked me about it, and following is the answer I gave
him.

http://anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/blog

What a good blog that was! I agree with it about 90%. Yes, Christians
are bad (unknowingly) about shaming people into forgiveness. It's one
reason why pastoral counseling often fails. The way I always explain
it is this:

1) There are two parts to your brain: the cognitive part and the
emotional part. The cognitive part can CHOOSE to let go of the hurt,
to not hurt the person back. But the emotional part has to process the
hurt first, maybe for a while, before they can forgive emotionally.
Sometimes, depending on the hurt (abuse, etc) it might take a year or
more.

I differ with your friend because she doesn't articulate the
difference between the cognitive part of the brain and the emotional
part of the brain, thus concluding the "we don't have to forgive if we
aren't ready". It's true, we don't HAVE to forgive, but the
consequences are dire. Not only do we cut ourselves off from God's
forgiveness, but there are ramifications in our body and soul. Who
wants to be a bitter soul?

2) One distinction we need to make is to define what forgiveness is NOT.
It is NOT trusting the person again. Trust is earned; it is behavior
over time. Some people are not trustworthy, and we can never trust
them again. Also, it doesn't always mean reconciliation. A person can
forgive without being reconciled: by choosing to give up the right to
hurt the person back.

I've found that one of the reasons people don't forgive is that they
don't understand the definition of forgiveness; (they think it means
trusting again or reconciling). It is a GOAL to forgive emotionally,
and it might take a while.

3) What this means for parenting is this. DON'T pressure the little ones
to forgive while they are still hurting. It re-victimizes the victim!
Rather, tell the offender that she has to make restitution for it.
Three times over, or a big thing like offer something of hers for her
sister to play with. That way she can sit in her guilt for a while,
and then make amends so the victim will trust her. Mention forgiveness
later, maybe hours later, when there's not negative emotion simmering.
Otherwise you will shame them into forgiving prematurely.

So, the saying “forgive and forget” is not really a very good one. Our
minds are not made that way! Rather, we should say “forgive and let
them earn your trust back.”  But that doesn’t slip off the tongue so easily; it lacks the alliteration! Does anyone have a good one to replace it?

Anyway, avoid shaming your kids, yourself, and others into forgiveness. Choose to give up your right to hurt them back, then allow your self (or them) time to process and heal.  It works so much better!

Discouraged and Abused Kids

Oh how we long for kids to see themselves as God does! Here are some ideas for encouraging the discouraged ones. This blog is especially for youth pastors, teachers, and counselors, anyone who works with discouraged youth.

1)    Point out things that they have done right. Chances are they don’t see them; but are painfully aware of what they’ve done wrong! “Did you get up and go to school today? Did you brush your teeth? Did you eat anything?”

2)    Notice something about them. It doesn’t have to be a compliment, in fact many kids can’t receive compliments. “Hey what does that pink bracelet say? That’s an interesting hat.  Your jeans have 3 holes in them, that’s interesting.” Then be ready to listen.

3)    Ask questions that start with “what, how, who, when” but NOT “why.” Asking them “why” questions is very shaming. The only true answer to that question (and they know this) is “Because I’m bad…”  For example “Why did you steal that candy bar?” They probably don’t know, or will give some lame excuse. Don’t put them in that position.

4)    Let them know you are on their side. They feel the whole world (at least the adult world) is against them. You can be on their side and not approve of what they’ve done. Go deeper. Be empathetic. “I can understand that you felt threatened…” Empathy is feeling with someone. Not judging them.

If you win their trust (and this takes time), they may begin to disclose some things to you that you didn’t expect. Be careful. You may need to call Child Protection, it is up to the child protection worker to decide if they pursue it or not.

Youth workers and counselors who seek to help a struggling children risk abusive parents becoming angry, and bringing accusations of wrongdoing. Proverbs 9:7,8 explains it well: “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not correct a scoffer lest he hate you…” In my family counseling profession, that happens all the time. Parents who do not wish to give their children a voice and a choice react negatively, even violently, to the counselor who is working to bring healing. Exposing and correcting abusers is not for the faint of heart!

Some people think that for a person to truly be “abusive”, that person must be volatile, or to display temper outbursts. This is not always the case. I know of situations where the people in authority are “quiet bullies.” They pride themselves in that they never lose their cool. However, their self-righteousness does not allow them to see other people’s points of view. They take their own authority so seriously that they cause much hurt and division in the organizations they are part of. Many, many young people have been hurt in the fallout created by self-righteous “quiet, calm bullies.” 

Much abuse, especially verbal and emotional abuse is almost impossible to prove, so don't try. Just encourage the youth that have come to you. Build up their self esteem gently and quietly. As said, many cannot receive compliment, so go easy on them. Just listening, with no other agenda than to find out about them, does wonders for reaching these alienated young people.

Many teens just need a friend, someone who will listen. They don’t need (or aren’t ready for) advice, and they’re afraid to ask for help. Empathy is the key to connection. Connection heals. Will you be the encourager of the discouraged?

Anxiety or Adventure?

There are 3 types of peace. Internal peace is the opposite of anxiety. External peace that we can’t control such as wars, economic breakdowns, car accidents. External things that we have some control over, such as fights with our spouse, many but not all, relational things.

The first one is the hardest. Anxiety plagues us and infects our thoughts like a disease. We have fallen into many bad habits of thinking, even from our youth. “I don’t have any control over my worrying,” we think. It is automatic, our default mode. I’d like to suggest that we CAN control our negative thinking. Dr. Caroline Leaf has a program she calls “de-toxifying” in which we literally change our thoughts to positive. Check it out, she explains it better than I can. (drleaf.com)

I spend much of my time as a counselor trying to get people to capture their negative thoughts and replace them with positive. IT CAN BE DONE! But it takes effort, intentionality, and perseverance.

The second type of peace comes with self talk too. When an accident happens, what do we tell ourselves? My colleague had a car crash into his wall the other day. No kidding, someone literally drove into his wall! It took him some time, about an hour and a half he said, to calm down. But he has told himself that the chances of it happening again are pretty slim. He’s chosen to tell himself that. Get that, he CHOSE to tell himself that! It’s the same with anything else.

What’s the likelihood of the bad thing (that I fear) happening?

What will I do? Am I too feeble to cope with it?

            If the bad thing happens, will there still be anything good in my life?

            What can I control and what can I not control?

The third type of peace we spend much time coaching people on.  The main thing here is that you react rather than respond. Reacting is almost always negative! Respond, don’t react to your spouse, your child, your teen. Reacting is always from our past, do you want all the hurts and negativity of your past to haunt your present?  Yes, you CAN change how you react!! It takes effort, intentionality, and reflection (maybe counseling will help too). Go ahead, try it! BE the person you want to be, and don’t give up. And when you fail and blow it that’s OK, just be sure and apologize.

The Scripture does say that we should “as much as it depends on us be at peace with all people.” (Rom. 12:18) There are some people, like narcissists, that people have a hard time relating to.  We cannot really have a close relationship with them, due to their extreme self-absorption. We need to maintain good boundaries with such people; and not feel guilty about it. But suffice it to say we tried. (that’s another topic for another blog).

Jesus is the answer to all three types of peace; truly He gives us peace. “In Me you will have peace…”(Jn 16:33; 14:27). He waits for us to come to Him and get peace through His grace. May our journey be with Him, not on our own strength.

The Best Medicine

  One of the most powerful antidotes to stress is laughter. “It brings perspective into your life, helps surmount problems, adds sizzle to your relationships, and makes you feel good!” (see  Dr. Caroline Leaf, Who switched off my brain? Drleaf.com) 

We call an evening out “fun,” but we can hardly realize how good it is for us. The other night we had a game night at my son’s house. We laughed and laughed. Did anyone tell us that that caused the cortisol to decrease by 39%, the adrenaline to drop by 70%, and the serotonin to increase by 29%? Did we realize that it causes the two hemispheres of the brain to work together, making it as useful as aerobic exercise in boosting mind-body health?

No! But we certainly enjoyed it!

Fun protects our heart because when we laugh and enjoy ourselves, the body releases chemicals that improve the function of blood vessels. This increases blood flow, protecting against heart attack. Fun reduces damaging stress chemicals quickly, which if they hang around in your body for too long will make you mentally and physically sick.

 Wow, who can afford not to laugh?

My son is a comedian, because he wants to make the world a better place. Hmmmm… do we really believe that comedians make the world a better place? We should honor them! And tune in to them often! 

But it’s not as simple as all that. “Even in laughter, the heart maybe in pain…” (Prov. 14:13) There is a human tendency to cover up our pain with laughter. We need to be honest with ourselves, and grieve at times. The popular movie Inside Out taught us this: sadness is necessary sometimes.  So, when we are disappointed, hurt, or struggling with anger, let’s not cover it up with laughter.

But you don’t want to let you feelings get the best of you either. Grieve, be sad, then move on. People who live by their feelings end up in chaos. Our feelings are not intended to be in the driver’s seat of our life.

So, let your feelings connect you with other people. They do that well.

And laugh, for that connects us with others effortlessly!

Help! I'm a Selfish Pig!

4 tips to better relationships

Whether it is with a spouse, a co-worker, friend, or a child, we all want better relationships. Here are four tips that will help any relationship:

Don’t argue with them. So many of us have to be RIGHT, at the expense of the relationship. Why not just be quiet? You can always bring it up another time when things are calmer. It’s a sign of strength not to bicker. “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.” Prov. 20:3  On some things, you can afford to let them think they are right (how many times we went to grandmas last year, for example). Other times, it is imperative that you share your opinion; but do so graciously. Use gentleness, “you win more arguments with honey than with vinegar,” as your mom maybe told you.

Be interested! You can be interested in what they’re saying, even if it’s being interested in them as a person. For example, I sit thru many teens telling me of things that I am not interested in. Things I don’t even understand! But I think to myself, “Wow, this child must feel so abandoned, no one listens to him. I wonder what is going on inside, under all that talk about musicians, or the Internet, etc…” They open up to me because they sense I care.

Listen! Most of us default to self centeredness and don’t really hear what the other person is saying. Try repeating back or paraphrasing what you heard them say. “I hear you’re frustrated because she said one thing and did another.” Wow, the effect will be amazing! They will hardly believe you actually listened! It shows them you are willing to let them say what’s on their heart, without giving advice, ignoring, interrupting, or disagreeing with them. It’s called validating.

Be laid back. I don’t know anyone who appreciates a conversation with someone bent on convincing them of something. You can learn to just enjoy the person for who he is. Yes, even Type A’s can do this! I know because I am one, and I have had to practice not being overbearing in relationships so that others don’t feel threatened by my manner. It’s worth it, it really is!

There’s a way to remember these 4: the acronym GIVE.

Gentle

Interest

Validate

Easy Manner

With intentionality and effort we can improve our relationships.  Let’s go for it! I can’t think of any better New Year’s resolution….