Anxiety or Adventure?

There are 3 types of peace. Internal peace is the opposite of anxiety. External peace that we can’t control such as wars, economic breakdowns, car accidents. External things that we have some control over, such as fights with our spouse, many but not all, relational things.

The first one is the hardest. Anxiety plagues us and infects our thoughts like a disease. We have fallen into many bad habits of thinking, even from our youth. “I don’t have any control over my worrying,” we think. It is automatic, our default mode. I’d like to suggest that we CAN control our negative thinking. Dr. Caroline Leaf has a program she calls “de-toxifying” in which we literally change our thoughts to positive. Check it out, she explains it better than I can. (drleaf.com)

I spend much of my time as a counselor trying to get people to capture their negative thoughts and replace them with positive. IT CAN BE DONE! But it takes effort, intentionality, and perseverance.

The second type of peace comes with self talk too. When an accident happens, what do we tell ourselves? My colleague had a car crash into his wall the other day. No kidding, someone literally drove into his wall! It took him some time, about an hour and a half he said, to calm down. But he has told himself that the chances of it happening again are pretty slim. He’s chosen to tell himself that. Get that, he CHOSE to tell himself that! It’s the same with anything else.

What’s the likelihood of the bad thing (that I fear) happening?

What will I do? Am I too feeble to cope with it?

            If the bad thing happens, will there still be anything good in my life?

            What can I control and what can I not control?

The third type of peace we spend much time coaching people on.  The main thing here is that you react rather than respond. Reacting is almost always negative! Respond, don’t react to your spouse, your child, your teen. Reacting is always from our past, do you want all the hurts and negativity of your past to haunt your present?  Yes, you CAN change how you react!! It takes effort, intentionality, and reflection (maybe counseling will help too). Go ahead, try it! BE the person you want to be, and don’t give up. And when you fail and blow it that’s OK, just be sure and apologize.

The Scripture does say that we should “as much as it depends on us be at peace with all people.” (Rom. 12:18) There are some people, like narcissists, that people have a hard time relating to.  We cannot really have a close relationship with them, due to their extreme self-absorption. We need to maintain good boundaries with such people; and not feel guilty about it. But suffice it to say we tried. (that’s another topic for another blog).

Jesus is the answer to all three types of peace; truly He gives us peace. “In Me you will have peace…”(Jn 16:33; 14:27). He waits for us to come to Him and get peace through His grace. May our journey be with Him, not on our own strength.

The Best Medicine

  One of the most powerful antidotes to stress is laughter. “It brings perspective into your life, helps surmount problems, adds sizzle to your relationships, and makes you feel good!” (see  Dr. Caroline Leaf, Who switched off my brain? Drleaf.com) 

We call an evening out “fun,” but we can hardly realize how good it is for us. The other night we had a game night at my son’s house. We laughed and laughed. Did anyone tell us that that caused the cortisol to decrease by 39%, the adrenaline to drop by 70%, and the serotonin to increase by 29%? Did we realize that it causes the two hemispheres of the brain to work together, making it as useful as aerobic exercise in boosting mind-body health?

No! But we certainly enjoyed it!

Fun protects our heart because when we laugh and enjoy ourselves, the body releases chemicals that improve the function of blood vessels. This increases blood flow, protecting against heart attack. Fun reduces damaging stress chemicals quickly, which if they hang around in your body for too long will make you mentally and physically sick.

 Wow, who can afford not to laugh?

My son is a comedian, because he wants to make the world a better place. Hmmmm… do we really believe that comedians make the world a better place? We should honor them! And tune in to them often! 

But it’s not as simple as all that. “Even in laughter, the heart maybe in pain…” (Prov. 14:13) There is a human tendency to cover up our pain with laughter. We need to be honest with ourselves, and grieve at times. The popular movie Inside Out taught us this: sadness is necessary sometimes.  So, when we are disappointed, hurt, or struggling with anger, let’s not cover it up with laughter.

But you don’t want to let you feelings get the best of you either. Grieve, be sad, then move on. People who live by their feelings end up in chaos. Our feelings are not intended to be in the driver’s seat of our life.

So, let your feelings connect you with other people. They do that well.

And laugh, for that connects us with others effortlessly!

Help! I'm a Selfish Pig!

4 tips to better relationships

Whether it is with a spouse, a co-worker, friend, or a child, we all want better relationships. Here are four tips that will help any relationship:

Don’t argue with them. So many of us have to be RIGHT, at the expense of the relationship. Why not just be quiet? You can always bring it up another time when things are calmer. It’s a sign of strength not to bicker. “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.” Prov. 20:3  On some things, you can afford to let them think they are right (how many times we went to grandmas last year, for example). Other times, it is imperative that you share your opinion; but do so graciously. Use gentleness, “you win more arguments with honey than with vinegar,” as your mom maybe told you.

Be interested! You can be interested in what they’re saying, even if it’s being interested in them as a person. For example, I sit thru many teens telling me of things that I am not interested in. Things I don’t even understand! But I think to myself, “Wow, this child must feel so abandoned, no one listens to him. I wonder what is going on inside, under all that talk about musicians, or the Internet, etc…” They open up to me because they sense I care.

Listen! Most of us default to self centeredness and don’t really hear what the other person is saying. Try repeating back or paraphrasing what you heard them say. “I hear you’re frustrated because she said one thing and did another.” Wow, the effect will be amazing! They will hardly believe you actually listened! It shows them you are willing to let them say what’s on their heart, without giving advice, ignoring, interrupting, or disagreeing with them. It’s called validating.

Be laid back. I don’t know anyone who appreciates a conversation with someone bent on convincing them of something. You can learn to just enjoy the person for who he is. Yes, even Type A’s can do this! I know because I am one, and I have had to practice not being overbearing in relationships so that others don’t feel threatened by my manner. It’s worth it, it really is!

There’s a way to remember these 4: the acronym GIVE.

Gentle

Interest

Validate

Easy Manner

With intentionality and effort we can improve our relationships.  Let’s go for it! I can’t think of any better New Year’s resolution….

Pray for my spouse? What should I say?

A worthy goal for us in 2016 is to pray more! These simple prayers can be used to keep strong marriages strong, breathe life and hope back into struggling marriages, or anywhere in between. Happy New Year! May we be the people we aspire to be, especially with those we love the most...

 

      8 Simple Prayers that Help Marriages

1.     Lord, give us tender hearts for each other and for You.  This is a powerful prayer. It’s based on Matt. 19:8 where Jesus says that “because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you divorce.” When we get hurt, we harden our hearts which leads to emotional separation. Pray this daily for our spouses and ourselves! Some days praying this several times is not too often.

2.     Lord, help us to hear You together. In Is. 30:18-21 we learn that He longs to bless us and that He will direct us. How vital to develop the ability to hear His guiding voice in unity! Pray to “hear” and then tell each other what you’ve heard from God. Then pray again to choose a course together.

3.     Lord, what should I say and what should l not say? Help me know how much to say, when to say it, and if I could keep silent on this issue. Prov. 15:23 say that an apt answer brings joy. There are many other Proverbs that speak of the danger of using too many words. We need to learn discernment on what is too much and what is “stuffing it” or saying not enough.

4.     Lord, give me Your eyes to see him/her.  II Cor. 5:16 says we can learn to recognize no one according to the old nature. Asking Him to help us see our spouse with His eyes is very helpful, as our vision is often clouded with our own hurts, preconceived notions, and history of wounds from others.

5.     Lord, help me see myself as You see me. Due to our own personal wounds we are often harsh with ourselves. This also causes us to be critical of our spouse and children. Song of Sol 6:9-10 is a precious Scripture that shows how God sees us. Ps.139:13-16 also address self concept issues. One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse and children is to allow Him to heal our emotional pain.

6.     Lord, help me to encourage myself.  In I Sam 30:6, David showed that he knew how to encourage himself in God’s strength. Too often we rely on our spouse for encouragement, and try to get all our needs met from him/her. As we learn to rely more on God to meet our needs, it will greatly improve our marriages. We will be like less like a vacuum cleaner, sucking the life out of the other one and more like a fountain, overflowing with love to give out.

7.     Lord, help me to encourage my wife/husband today. Heb. 3:13 urges us to encourage each other, because life is full of discouraging situations that drain us. How can we be part of the solution rather than part of the problem for our spouse?

8.     Lord, give me victory over bitterness. Heb. 12:14-17 warns us that a bitter heart can pollute many. Most notably our children will learn to harbor bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness if we do not get victory over these negative emotions in our marriages. “Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt the person back who hurt you.” (Dr. Archibald Hart) This understanding has the potential to change marriages everywhere. After all, a marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

"To Eat or Not to Eat..." Christmas under control

“’Tis the Season” we hear and inside many of us cringe. Too busy, too much food, spending too much, what to give the person who has everything. Oh and did I say over-indulgence runs rampant? Over-extended, over-stressed, and then feeling guilty for not enjoying the season of Peace and Joy. Does that sound familiar? Now, be honest!

And lest you think I am a Scrooge, advocating cancelling Christmas, please read on. I’d like to suggest, we can enjoy it more fully if we simplify, pace ourselves, and scale back in several areas.

And especially eating. This blog will deal with that. It seems that every social event specializes in providing large amounts of rich food, and of course we feel obligated to try it all. It gets to the point where we don’t enjoy it any more, as the feeling of being perpetually full steals the joy of the good flavor. Not to mention the guilt we feel when our pants fit more snugly, and we rue the last 12 desserts we ate.

What strategies work to help us practice self control? Food is certainly meant to be enjoyed, and eating is one of the greatest pleasures afforded humankind! But in our land of plenty, we forget that there are other pleasures too.

Hedonism focuses on self and doesn’t take into account the focus on others, and the satisfaction that comes from saying “no.”

Practical strategies are the only kind I will even consider writing about.  On a day when you feast because it’s the company Christmas party, then do so with abandon! But the next day, limit your food intake. You really don’t need three big or even average meals on the next day.
On the day your family celebrates Christmas with a grandiose table loaded with perhaps several meats and treats that you dream about all year long, go ahead and enjoy it! But the day before and the day after, eat significantly less. Your goal is to enjoy, right?  Well, you will enjoy it even more if you do this.
 

Another strategy that works is to eat more slowly. Think of the word savor. Teach our children to savor each bite (we can only do that if we learn to do it ourselves), rather than hurry. A small piece of pie can that way bring us much more satisfaction than a large one. Let yourself notice each aspect of various flavors and textures. Talk about them. Enjoyment will be heightened. (Of course, add to that the satisfaction of going home and not needing Tums.)

 The law of diminishing returns is always in effect. No matter how much pleasure we derive from things like good food and drink, it will take more to make us feel good. Unless we deny ourselves for a day or two. Then we return to thankfulness mode and appreciate every bite.

Hmmmm, doesn’t that sound appetizing?!

If Christmas is so Merry, Then Why am I Depressed?

 

“It’s the very best time of the year” we hear in the words of a famous Christmas carol. If that is the case, then why do so many people struggle depression during this time? The truth is, rather than being the merriest time of the year, Christmas is for many one of the saddest times. Why?

 

One of the biggest culprits is Unrealistic Expectations: “I should be happy,” we tell ourselves, as we race from event to event. Underneath we fell guilty for spending too much money, eating too much, and being crabby with our family members. Over- extended, we say yes with a saccharine smile, while inside counting the days until this hectic season is over.  Then we get into a vicious cycle: too busy, angry, and depressed, so we do more to cover it up, try harder, get angrier, more depressed…

 

There are several ways to break this cycle. Consider listening to your self talk. “I should” can be tyrannical. Try replacing some of the “shoulds” with “I can” or “I want to.” Instead of “I should give Aunt Matilda a gift,” saying “I can do it” not only indicates your choice of giving her the gift, but also allows you to choose the option not to if you are honest with yourself and that’s really how you feel! (What is the worst that could happen?) This will help us identify what we really do want to do, and feel better about what we actually choose.

Wisdom tells us to prioritize, simplify, and cut out unnecessary activities. Do you really have to bake 12 kinds of cookies just because your mom did?  Our family had a tradition of making all homemade gifts for each other. It was a great relief when I realized that in the 21^st century, that just doesn’t work for me anymore.

 

If you are a family that is grieving or adjusting to new living conditions, give yourself some space! If loss has occurred through death or divorce, expecting yourself to have happy feelings is being out of touch with reality. God does not expect such things. Many well-meaning friends and relatives may understand neither the depth of your grief, nor the most helpful way to help you deal with it. Here forgiveness would play a vital role.

Take care of yourself, seek out counsel, and find support as you move through this season.  Melancholy during any time needs to be identified and validated.  Our culture, based as it is on entertainment aimed at emotional highs, does not encourage a mature treatment of grief or depression.

 

 Some families find it helpful to cancel extraneous activities such as multiple parties and instead go down to a homeless shelter to help the poor. Any way of reaching out to someone less fortunate than ourselves is very therapeutic for self-pity. Reading stories about such people does wonders for helping me tell myself the truth about my situation, Whatever I’m struggling with, it’s not as bad as those living in war-torn, desperately poor countries, or having suffered unspeakable tragedies, like the loss of all one’s family members, genocide, debilitating brain injuries, etc.

 

In closing, the real “Reason for the Season” is not happy feelings. 

We can reject some of the stress that comes from doing too much, and more importantly the expectations that drive it.  Take care of yourself, learn to say “no,” spend your valuable time on fewer activities, cultivate traditions that focus on relationship. Our Savior’s birth is the epitome of simplicity. As we take steps to reject unrealistic cultural and familial expectations, we surely will experience more of the peace that He came to give us.

Where are the Elizabeths? 3 Tips for Mentoring Millenials

Where are the Elizabeths?

Today someone I mentor told me that among her peer group there is a crying need for mentors.  Someone to bounce things off of, someone older and wiser by virtue of years walking with the Lord, someone who has learned life lessons by what he/she has gone thru. An Elizabeth to answer the Mary’s questions. (Luke 1:39-45)

I was saddened by this need, and a little angered. What’s my generation doing with their time that’s more important than sowing into the next generation?  So, I said I would contact all my friends (I did) and ask them to consider mentoring a person from the next generation for a while.

Here are 3 tips to remember about mentoring.

1. It’s more about relationship than it is about what you do and don’t know. Just listening, and talking about life. Head knowledge is overrated. Anyone can gain it from a book, TED talk, video, you-tube, a conference, or a seminar. But relationship is priceless. The Scripture says we have many teachers but not many fathers. (I Cor. 4:15) Could this mean that relationships are where it’s at?
    
   I once heard that the amount of influence you have on a person is inversely proportional to the size of the group you are speaking to. That means that the LEAST amount of influence is to be had in conferences, huge seminars, and the MOST is to be had with one-on-one relationships.  This has been our experience. The lives we’ve seen most healed and the souls most encouraged have all been in one-on-one relationships.
    
2. One thing NOT to do is to judge them. For their struggles, their questions, their opinions…Many in the younger generation have not been parented well, so this leaves them weak. They need encouragement, not judgment. Everyone is lonely. They DON’T need criticism, to be parented, or controlled. They need to be LISTENED to.
    
   I mentored one girl for 12 years, and we went thru Proverbs, the chapter for the day, every time. And we talked about boyfriends, her friends, family, etc. The scripture is important; it is a springboard to pressing questions that plague these young people. It contains the answers, but they aren’t readily apparent to them. As they grow to trust you, the relationship will open up the answers to their questions. But they will not open up to you if you judge them.
    
3. Let them observe. I had a mentor while in college, and I don’t remember what we talked about. But I remember that just being with her strengthened me. Just being in her presence! She had 3 kids, all in school, and I ate supper with them once a month. I learned infinitely more from observing her than from anything she told me. She once surprised her husband with a guitar for his birthday. I remember that 40 years later!
    
   It’s kind of like kids: they learn much more from what they see their parents DO than what they say.

So, if you are in the wiser generation, PLEASE take this as a kick in the pants to get started mentoring. If you are a young person, KEEP ON SEEKING for a mentor. Inter-generational relationships are not only good, they are vital.

There’s something about the wisdom of ages that rubs off on you. The Proverbs say, “Wisdom is in the presence of one who has understanding…”  (17:24) Let’s get wisdom! Spend time with the wise!