Are Boundaries Biblical?

“It’s more blessed to give than receive,” quote many Christians, who think they are being selfish by setting boundaries. After all, it tells us to give liberally in the Bible (Acts 20:35, Luke 6:38) they argue, while suffering from lack of self-care.

Let’s look at some verses that bring balance to our lives. “Boundaries verses,” I call them.

Galatians 6:2 and 5 are the first ones. “Bear one another’s burdens,” we are exhorted by Paul. But he follows up quickly with the admonition “For each shall carry his own load.” It is understood that the first verse means to help others carry burdens that are too heavy for them: say when someone dies, or is very sick, or is moving.  But to take responsibility for someone else, the things that he/she should carry himself? That is neither good nor wise. An example is the adult child living at home, leeching off his parents. In rare situations the parent can help out, but how will he/she ever learn responsibility if the parent meets every need the (adult) child has? It works for them, so they’ll continue with an irresponsible lifestyle!

Matthew 25:1-13, the parable of the wise and foolish virgins, is a clear indication that we are to set boundaries and stick to them. “The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both of us…’” Jesus doesn’t encourage them to give up themselves, to sacrifice what is precious to them for the foolishness of the others. Rather, he applauds them for being wise. This passage very clearly speaks to us that boundaries are a godly thing to have.

In Matthew 11: 28-29 Jesus bids us come to Him if we are weary and heavily loaded down. If we are carrying too many burdens, we are not going to be able to enjoy the rest that he has for us. Other verses that speak to this are Hebrews 4:3-4, 9-11. “There remains therefore a rest for the children of God…” The Sabbath (referred to in the passage) is a boundary, set in place because God doesn’t want us to be workaholics! It’s His intention that we lead a balanced life.

 How many of us rest one day a week? I bet those who do see a remarkable reward in the family relationships. But the person who is caretaking her mentally ill friend, and managing her own 4 young children, and still volunteers to feed the homeless 3 times a month…how is that a light and easy yoke?

Psalm 131 is a precious psalm that describes a mother and her weaned child, quieting himself. What a beautiful picture of boundaries. The person doesn’t overextend himself/herself taking on more things than he/she can handle. “My heart is not proud (vs.1)” it says.

 Romans 12:3 expresses the same thing. “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to think.” Somehow we perceive of ourselves as able to bake 4 different batches of cookies for the bazaar, volunteer to clean the church basement, trim all the bushes in the community park, run for the school board, and still have enough energy left for our own family. What are we thinking? Of course, our family is the one who gets the short end of the stick.

We say “Yes” because we feel pressured to please everyone, and that is from our own shame.  Psychologists tell us that we need to care for ourselves, to be assertive enough to say NO sometimes. In Titus it says “For the grace of God…has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say NO to ungodliness…and live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives.” (Tit. 2:11,12) How can we love others if we don’t love ourselves? (Mark 12:30-31, Matt. 22:39)

The 10 commandments contain boundaries. “You must not steal,” indicates that God respects private property. Not socialism promoted by force.  By free will (as in Acts 4:32-35), yes, but free will is the guideline. “You must not commit murder” is an obvious boundary, as is “you must not covet.”

 In my experience, the people who are most critical of others are many times doing the most. Perhaps they are a little self-righteous. Perhaps they feel empty because they are so busy serving that they don’t have time to sit and build relationships. Sound like Martha? (Luke 10:38-42) They come to me with depression and anxiety, stemming largely from the lack of healthy self-love that allows you to be gentle and patient with yourself.

 And thus gentle and patient with others.

Set good boundaries. A boundary is simply a limit. It means saying “enough.” Get help if you can’t say no, can’t seem to set good limits. Perhaps there’s some co-dependency that you need to deal with. There are many more verses in the Bible that point to a balanced life (Prov. 11:1). Jesus is not a harsh taskmaster, who asks us to give beyond our means. He is meek and lowly of heart, and wants us to rest. To only “do the good works that He has prepared for us to walk in (Eph. 2:10)." After all, everything has a season, it might be the season to enjoy your little ones, or some such thing. (Ecc. 3:1-10) "He has made everything beautiful in its time."

 The fruit of the spirit will flourish in a life that is well cultivated with balance and boundaries.

Let’s glorify God by resting in Him!

The Number 1 Reason Our Kids Leave the Faith

 

“Mrs. Gill, if you could do one thing differently, what would you do? A former student asked me this question, and I had an answer for her. “Listen more. Talk at people less.”  Show more empathy. Parents and teachers are notorious for their inability to really listen to their kids, and to show empathy. But we excel at talking AT them. Explaining why we are right.

Micah J. Murray’s blog captured my attention because as a therapist, I see it nearly every day in my office. And sadly, in my former career as a teacher I was guilty of it myself.   http://micahjmurray.com/why-i-dont-cry-to-christians/ The indictment is clear: WE LACK EMPATHY.

Is our inability to empathize due to our arrogance? Head knowledge is seductive, we think that by educating our youth they will suddenly say “Oh thanks for straightening me out on that issue” and change! If we can just convince them of the rightness of our argument, it will have a magic effect on their hearts.

I actually believe that there are other things involved as well. Our own personal history is a big factor. Many of us grew up in an empathy-free zone; our parents were too busy and/or too hurting to listen to us. Encouragement is in short supply in most families.

But in Christian families, references to God are not lacking. Children and young people may hear Him referred to when they do something wrong, or even worse when their parents are angry with them. So they conclude that He doesn't really care about their hearts either. He is too busy, too righteous, and too distant. “So why would I devote myself to someone like that?” they conclude.

Lack of empathy results in shame. My last blog addressed this, and it is lethal. But rather than focus on the destruction caused by shame (there are plenty of blogs out there written by young people who have rejected the faith that express it vividly), let’s look at ways to import empathy into our relationships.

“I’m so mad at my teacher…”  Rather than immediately correct our young people for their disrespect, we need to hear their hearts. “Pick your battles” is a common adage for parents and teachers, but we don't really pay attention to it very well. If we did, we’d stop and realize that in power struggles no one really wins. The relationship suffers often-irreparable damage. How much better to meet their hurt with empathy first. “I hear that you are really angry.” Win their hearts!  Later, when they are calmed down, is the time to engage in collaborative problem solving techniques. “What can you do to solve this problem? What will work? What CAN you change? How can I help you?” Better to play the role of consultant, not the rescuer.

 That is another major reason we lack empathy. We want to solve the problem, and rescue our “poor kids.” Such an underlying belief is rooted in our own shame. In our haste to make ourselves feel better by solving the problem for them, we deny them the very empathy they need to grow. Young people need to feel our confidence in them. It starts with empathy.

Let’s change our paradigm of parenting and teaching. Let’s snatch this generation back from the arms of the world, that is often more empathetic than we are. No wonder the anonymous writer of the letter cited above won't turn to Christians anymore for help. Let’s not let that indictment be said of us in our families, churches and schools. Let’s slow down and listen, show our youth that our hearts are big because of a big, loving God. Let's replace lectures with listening. Save the words for the good times, when hearts are calm.

Why Do Our Children Leave the Faith?

“Mr. Jones, this is the police. We have your son here; he was arrested for possession of marijuana… “Mom, I’m pregnant…” “Dad & Mom there’s something I have to tell you, I’m gay.”  “You force me to go to church, and now that I’m 18, I want you to know that I am an atheist and will never go again!!”

Nothing strikes fear, guilt, and grief into a parent’s heart like hearing that their child has chosen to turn their back on our cherished beliefs.  When they embrace a lifestyle that we not only don’t agree with, but also have spent all of their childhood years trying to inoculate them against, many parents sink into despair and say, “How did I fail?” Others may reject the child, cutting him or her off from the family until they repent. In their anger, they blame the devil, blame the church, the pastor, or God, even leave the faith themselves.

I believe the #1 reason children reject God is that they feel shame when they think of Him. Inadvertently as parents, we use shame to teach them obedience. After all, that’s how our parents taught us right and wrong. Shame is toxic. It can be defined as the belief that “I am bad,” and differs from guilt, which says “I did something bad.”  When a person feels that they are bad to the core, there is a despair that comes, for we were not designed to live in shame.

Theologically we know that mankind has fallen into sin and needs to be restored to a relationship with God through Christ in order to remove our shame. But all too often we teach our children that that occurs through works, not grace. We can quote Eph 2:8 & 9 backward and forwards but still in our heart of hearts we communicate that a person’s acceptance depends on their performance. Why? Because we (emotionally) believe that ourselves! And it robs us of peace and joy daily.

Take our common child rearing practices for example. Jack hits his brother and steals his cookie.  “Jack, WHY did you do that?” we cry in distress. Really the only correct answer to this question is “well, mom, theologically speaking, I have a sinful nature, and my flesh got the better of me, I am bad to the core.” When we ask a child WHY he did something that is usually a shaming question.

Another error parents make is to focus too much on the behavior and not enough on the relationship. If we are honest, we are really worried what others will think of US if our children misbehave.

An international authority on raising troubled children, Dr. Karyn Purvis, says, “Connection needs to come before correction. Every child needs to know his or her preciousness.”  (www.child.tcu.edu) Day after day the child gets the idea that he is never good enough, he can never totally win our approval unless he is perfect. So why would he serve a God that is even more difficult to please? God’s way to bring change to lives is through a mentoring, guiding, and loving relationship. Grace changes people from the inside out, and it is really the exact opposite of shame-based methods we all too often employ.

I asked several adult children why so many of their peers have left the faith, and got very similar answers.  They can be summarized in two words:  “hypocrisy” and “legalism.” As such an indictment on our spiritual walk, no doubt these words will serve to produce copious amounts of guilt in parents’ hearts. But let’s look at them. No one would deny that we make mistakes, but it seems that if our children name it “hypocrisy,” they are saying that we are refusing to admit them. Jesus was very blunt with the Pharisees, calling them out on their refusal to admit that they were putting up a religious façade. People who cover up their failures, who put forth a pretentious front are actually covering up their own shame. 

I’ve told countless parents that one of the best gifts they can give their children is to deal with their own emotional issues. We can only reproduce what we are. How can we expect our children to get it about a loving God when we are so filled with shame? One indication of this is that we always have to be right! When my dad was teaching me to drive, he warned me to be very careful at intersections where I had the right of way. “You can be dead right,” he explained. This analogy carries over into relationships. Being “Right” can do more to kill your relationship than many other things.

Legalism is the attitude that we gain our standing with God through following a series of rules. Such performance-based Christianity is taught both explicitly and implicitly in many churches and families around the world. It produces tired, self-righteous, and discouraged people whose concept of God is that He is harsh, distant and unloving. “Try harder,” the leaders, tell their people when they struggle. Parents inadvertently pass this concept on to their children, and then wonder why some them choose not to follow Him.  Again, the answer is to get our own hearts right with God, to press through past the “Try harder” stage into true grace, which is accepting God’s power and love, cooperating with Him so He changes us from the inside out. Motivated by love, experiencing brokenness, and receiving His gentle, firm correction when we need it is a far cry from the legalism that our children perceive, as we rush around trying to perform to a certain standard, then not admitting it when we fail.

I’d add to this list, a wrong use of power. Some parents, pastors, teachers, and bosses become very enamored with their position of authority. They somehow get the idea that they are infallible, and conduct their relationship with those under them as if they are always right. Pity the person who is spirited enough to challenge them! They will be immediately labeled “rebel”, “incorrigible” “not able to receive correction.” And dealt with accordingly, which usually involves shaming, crushing, or ostracizing them. Some pastors and parents conduct an emotional “Reign of Terror” by having this mindset, especially if they are in a system that perpetrates such beliefs.  Is it any wonder that 80% of our young people run from the church when they get the chance?  Sarah Bessey, popular author and speaker (www.sarahbessey.com ) said, “I got PTSD from the church.” She along with many others such as Micah Murray, (www.micahjmurray.com  ) blog regularly about the need to respect the dignity of each person. Abuse of authority is a major reason many youth are launched in to the world wounded, and do not succeed for an extended length of time in pursuing their goals.

Some authorities think that to be abusive, one must be volatile, and display temper outbursts. This is not always the case. I know cases where people in authority were “quiet bullies.” They never lost their cool, and prided themselves on it. However, their self-righteousness did not allow them to see other people’s points of view, and they took their own authority so seriously that they caused much hurt and division in the organizations they were part of. Many, many young people have been hurt in the fallout created by self-righteous “quiet, calm bullies.”

How can parents and other leaders learn to model respect, dignity, and humility? In future blogs I’ll address this question, as the future of our children depends on our ability to do it.

Pray for my spouse? What shall I say!? 8 Simple Prayers...

I counsel many marriages. I’m struck by how many would be improved by simply praying these prayers with an earnest, sincere heart. Nearly every problem I encounter as I help couples unravel their marriages is covered. 

If we believe that God answers prayer, we will find that He is waiting to bless us with answers to these simple, relational prayers!

      8 Simple Prayers that Help Marriages

1.      Lord, give us tender hearts for each other and for You.  This is a powerful prayer. It’s based on Matt. 19:8 where Jesus says that “because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you divorce.” When we get hurt, we harden our hearts which leads to emotional separation. Pray this daily for our spouses and ourselves! Some days praying this several times is not too often.

2.      Lord, help us to hear You together. In Is. 30:18-21 we learn that He longs to bless us and that He will direct us. How vital to develop the ability to hear His guiding voice in unity! Pray to “hear” and then tell each other what you’ve heard from God. Then pray again to choose a course together.

3.      Lord, what should I say and what should l not say? Help me know how much to say, when to say it, and if I should keep silent on this issue. Prov. 15:23 say that an apt answer brings joy. There are many other Proverbs that speak of the danger of using too many words. We need to learn discernment on what is too much and what is “stuffing it” or saying not enough.

4.      Lord, give me Your eyes to see him/her.  II Cor. 5:16 says we can learn to recognize no one according to the old nature. Asking Him to help us see our spouse with His eyes is very helpful, as our vision is often clouded with our own hurts, preconceived notions, and history of wounds from others.

5.      Lord, help me see myself as You see me. Due to our own personal wounds we are often harsh with ourselves. This also causes us to be critical of our spouse and children. Song of Sol 6:9-10 is a precious Scripture that shows how God sees us. Ps.139:13-16 also address self concept issues. One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse and children is to allow Him to heal our emotional pain.

6.      Lord, help me to encourage myself.  In I Sam 30:6, David showed that he knew how to encourage himself in God’s strength. Too often we rely on our spouse for encouragement, and try to get all our needs met from him/her. As we learn to rely more on God to meet our needs, it will greatly improve our marriages. We will be like less like a vacuum cleaner, sucking the life out of the other one and more like a fountain, overflowing with love to give out.

7.      Lord, help me to encourage my wife/husband today. Heb. 3:13 urges us to encourage each other, because life is full of discouraging situations that drain us. How can we be part of the solution rather than part of the problem for our spouse?

8.      Lord, give me victory over bitterness. Heb. 12:14-17 warns us that a bitter heart can pollute many. Most notably our children will learn to harbor bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness if we do not get victory over these negative emotions in our marriages. “Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt the person back who hurt you.” (Dr. Archibald Hart) This understanding has the potential to change marriages everywhere. After all, a marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

Am I Mentally Healthy? 3 Ways to Tell

Today I want to talk about victory; the victory of living for God today. How do we live for Jesus in a world gone mad with materialism, anxiety, depression, and self-centeredness?

I’ll give you a few tips. That’s my job. I used to teach at Bethany for 16 years. But I was always disturbed by the kids who were anxious and depressed, so I went back to school, and became a therapist. A doctor of the soul. A “feelings doctor” as I tell my younger clients. So, how to overcome depression and anxiety is right up my alley. But it only works if you let it. Not like a regular doctor you go to, who gives you some medicine, and you magically get better. In my profession, clients have to work, do homework, exercises to get better. That’s why I call them “clients” not “patients.” But it’s so worth it! You need to change your thinking to get healthier.

So, here’s the first exercise that will change your thinking:            

            Turn to the person next to you and tell them two things you HAVE to do today. (example: I have to do my homework)

            Now change it, and say “I choose to” with those same two things. Are they a true statements?

            (I choose to do my homework cuz I don’t want the consequences of not doing it. No one is putting a gun to my head and saying “Do it!)

            Now I’ll push you a bit further, Say “I get to” before those two things (I get to do my homework. I’m privileged to be in school, I don’t live in a war torn country, I’m not homeless….).

Isn’t there more energy on the atmosphere when you say the last thing?

The first one is a victim mentality, the second one is empowerment, and the third one is gratitude. Hmmm, which one makes you feel better?

Victim mentality is at the core of depression. If you can get over this, you can go a long way toward overcoming that down feeling.

I’ll let you in on a secret. Much of mental health boils down to three things.  Do you want to know what they are? I won’t keep you in suspense: Gratitude, Self-control, and Forgiveness. Think about it- if you’re grateful, you don’t have time to be depressed or anxious.

The opposite of gratefulness is entitlement. Unrealistic expectations. If you struggle with that, just knowing that you might have unrealistic expectations is part of the solution. My granddaughter wanted a $120 Lego set for Christmas. It was on her Christmas list, but her parents told her that she wasn’t going to get it. She didn’t have to be disappointed on Christmas morning. She gave up that expectation, and saved herself from feeling bad. We can do the same with things we think we deserve.

Maturity is being able to handle disappointment without whining.

There’s a quiz I want to give you. What do you think is the best predictor of happiness and life satisfaction when a person is 11, say 25 years into the future when he/she is 36?

a.       IQ

b.      Grade point average

c.       Self-control

d.      Openness to new ideas

e.       Friendliness

And the answer is…Self-control. Research bears it out. That’s pretty serious, considering where we are today in the area of developing self-control.

Self-control: can it be learned from the Internet? Peers? Movies? TV? Video games? No! It must be learned from (ask the students). Yes, parents! And peers that fear the Lord.

I’d be out of work if people would do a few things. 1) Forgive others who hurt them, don’t stay bitter against them. 2) Be grateful for everything we have. Make gratitude lists everyday. Think about what I have rather than what I don’t have. 3) Exercise self control in everything; and 4) Exercise. I put that in because the mental health benefits of exercise are unbelievable.

Forgiveness is something that people don’t understand very well. They think it has to do with trusting the person again. NO! Trust equals behavior over time, it must be earned back. People also think forgiveness has to do with reconciliation. Not necessarily. You can forgive an unsafe person and not reconcile with him. Forgiveness is something you do in your heart. It means giving up your right to hurt the person back that hurt you.

So what’s the secret to enduring? We all go through hard things, not getting what we want. Repeat: not getting what we want is a big cause of depression. I found a quote that has helped me quite a bit in this area. I battle depression too. (Someone, one of my students at Bethany actually, asked me if counselors ever get depressed. I answered, “Do doctors ever get sick?”) Anyway, the quote is by John MacArthur: “The ability to endure is tied to the ability to look at the spiritual, not the physical, the permanent, not the temporary, the future, not the present.”

 The verse that goes with this is II Cor.  4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but is unseen. For what is seen is temporal but what is unseen is eternal.” I’m going to read the quote again…

“The ability to endure is tied to the ability to look at the spiritual, not the physical, the permanent, not the temporary, the future, not the present.”

Gratefulness is a great defense against anxiety. 

Anxiety has replaced depression as the Number 1 mental health problem in the country.

  Here are some techniques to help overcome anxiety:

a. Change the “What if’s” to “What next?” This switches our thinking from the imaginary to the real: from awfulizing to seeking solutions, from the huge, nebulous, fear-filled unknown   to the next concrete step we can take. It empowers us and most importantly changes our focus.

b. Our focus determines our experience! What am I focusing on? The negative? If ten people

 compliment my new haircut, and only one says she doesn’t like it, do we focus on the

 ONE negative?!

c. Choose to believe that “I am not a victim, I can control my attitude about this. Although I

 cannot control other people or the circumstances, I can control my own attitude.”

d. When we make mistakes, we need to admit it, and then stop beating ourselves.  “I made a

 mistake, that doesn't mean I have no value, nor does it negate all the good in my life.”

 One person said, “There are no such things as mistakes, only lessons.” What can I learn from this one?

            e.   Make it a goal to say at least one positive thing to as many family members & friends as    possible, and to yourself each day.

f.  Some people find it useful to limit their worrying to 15-20 minutes a day. Set the timer for say

8:00, then again for 8:15. During this 15 minutes, WORRY, do all the “What if’s,” and think of solutions to the worst case scenarios. Then when the timer rings, put all the worries back into a Worry Box, and don’t worry about them again until tomorrow, at the Worry Time. You can even make a physical Worry Box that they put your worries in, until Worry Time. This really works! I use it all the time with my clients.

g.  People of faith recognize that ultimately humans are not in control.  This is very helpful to

remind ourselves if our belief system includes the idea that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. It allows us to relinquish control.

We can get the upper hand on anxiety! Exchange it for the peace that passes understanding.

So, in conclusion, you can win the victory! You can live for Jesus today. In the 21^st century. Winning the fight over anxiety, depression, materialism, and self-centeredness. You can display gratitude, forgiveness, and self-control.

“Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, power, glory, victory, majesty. Everything in the heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things.” I Chron. 29:11

God bless you! May the One who is great, powerful and will someday rule this earth in majesty, show Himself to you and through you as gentle and kind, friendly, and awesome.

Jamaican Me Smile...

In his groundbreaking book on justice, The Locus Effect, Gary Haugen addresses the need to change systems, not merely save individuals if we are to effectively help the victims of poverty. Spring Village Community Development Foundation is a vocational-technical college for young people ages 17-30 that clearly fits that model. (http://www.springvillage.org/training_institute) We were impressed to see about 200 young adults learning skills such as welding, electrical, chef, hospitality, and customer service. The head of the school, Randy Finnikin, told us that short-term teams such as ours provide a much-needed support to him and his over-worked staff. “You are like Aaron and Hur, holding up our arms in this battle,” he explained. (Exodus 17:11-12)

Our team comprised of several therapists and children’s workers who were invited down to Jamaica to teach parenting and marriage skills, do some counseling, and reach out to the children. We felt God’s anointing as we addressed dozens of young adults on the topic of Dating & Relationships, and they asked pointed, honest questions.  How to manage your feelings, how to show respect to others, and how to take care of yourself were three of the topics we taught on.

One missionary’s daughter said, “This is how you should do short term missions- have a staff that you can minister to year after year, and a new crop of students (each year) to hear what you have to say!”

We counseled quite a number of the staff members at the community center, and encouraged everyone we had the opportunity to share with. Training a woman to lead a domestic violence group was one thing we left down there this year that promises to multiply itself.

Particularly dear to my heart was a young couple, who came for premarital counseling two years ago, and in the ensuing years I have been able to address their needs as they grow together. Budding leaders, they were eager to learn God’s way of beginning their relationship. In Jamaica, 80% of children are born out of wedlock, and long lasting marriages are very rare, so this couple is courageously leading the way in going against the norm. Others we spoke with expressed desire to do likewise.

We were able to give beads to some people, and instruction on how to make jewelry. How this changed their countenance! It gave them hope and dignity for their future. Each year we haul suitcases full of books down there as well, which they receive gratefully.

The children touched us deeply as we tutored them in reading skills, and lavished them with attention. In the afternoons we ran a VBS, teaching Bible verses, songs, stories and crafts. “Why are the white people from America so kind and nice? one girl asked. “Jesus has done so much for us, we want to let others know of His great love!” I replied. Our team leader told us that these children probably would not get any hugs until the next team comes down to minister. Lord, raise up laborers for the harvest, and change the system.

The first year, while we were in Spring Village, the initiator of Jamaica Missions, and spiritual father to many (including Randy) passed into glory. This added element of grieving and scurrying to make travel arrangements for bringing half a dozen Jamaicans to the funeral in Minnesota added another dimension to our time there. We felt grateful to be a small part in the overall picture of God’s plan for Jamaica that was made into a reality by this visionary; and we were challenged as we got a glimpse into the legacy of a great man of God. His life truly has borne tremendous amounts of fruit.

The other women I went with were some of the most encouraging, godly people I have ever worked with on an overseas trip. Because of their rich years of single-minded devotion to the Lord, I learned much both personally and professionally from them, and have come home very refreshed in my heart each time. Who would think that going to a developing nation to serve would restore one’s soul? Only God can do such things!

We needed to be concerned for safety, as there were pockets of danger around. The culture of poverty is strong, and violence is very real in some of the villages. Lord, raise up laborers for the harvest, and change the system.

Please pray for Jamaica. This heart-gripping ministry leaves an indelible mark on all of us, and there’s a reason we return there year after year. Someday there will be no more tears and suffering, and people from every nation and tongue will worship around the throne. Until then we serve on, confident that His word will indeed bring sweet, beautiful, eternal fruit.

With all due respect...

In this culture of disrespect, how can we show respect to the one we love?  Here are four DO’s and four DON'T’s:

1)    Do listen. How often do we just brush the person off, pretending to listen while we are really formulating in our mind what we’re going to retort? Or, we are pre-occupied with something else, so we “half listen?” It’s very invalidating to be listened to “half way”, and I’d suggest 10 minutes of real, active listening. Ask questions! Repeat back to them “I heard you say…” Say “Uh huh, MMMM, and things like that that show them you are listening. They are worth it, now, aren’t they?

2)    Appreciate each other. Gratitude is the opposite of complaining, and has many benefits. If you say what you appreciate about them, it has twice the benefits, for it enhances your relationship. Do so every day, set aside a time to tell each other what you are thankful for. Especially character qualities: hard work, integrity, compassion, kindness, sensitivity to needs, maturity… these things carry more weight than compliments on performance or looks. (Although once in a while, guys, tell you wife she is beautiful!)

3)    Affirm the person. This is similar to appreciating them, but different too. They NEED encouragement, and you can provide it. Maybe they are trying to do something hard, a project for work. Or maybe they’re worn out from battling small children all day. “Anxiety in the heart of one weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad.” (Prov. 12:25) With effort, you can encourage/affirm her or him!

4)    Believe the best! Often we assume the worst about the person’s motives, without even asking them. Stop and think: am I believing the best? If he/she is late for dinner without calling you, do you assume it’s because he/she is seeing someone else? Or could it be because they are helping someone who needs help? You choose! Everyday we choose what we are going to believe about our spouse.

Now some DON’T’s:            

Husbands: Don’t try to fix the problem! Listen first, then ask if she wants a solution, or if she just wants to vent. This is hard for husbands, as the natural inclination of the male brain is to fix the problem! But you need to RESIST you first inclination, and listen empathetically. I know that is hard, but you can do it if you try. (If you forget, apologize, and listen a bit more)

The other thing that husbands routinely do is try to multitask when she is talking to you. Don’t look at your phone or I-pad, or your computer, or the TV screen when she is talking! You can give her some undivided attention. Maybe you could pre-arrange how much, say 10 minutes. But it is crucial that you do so!

Wives: Don’t expect your husbands to read your minds! We all wish they could anticipate our every wish, but the truth is they can’t. Not even close. So, you need to tell them, respectfully, “I wish you’d bring me flowers sometime.” Or take out the garbage, or whatever else you wish.

Another don’t is to criticize them harshly. They perceive criticism and conflict over it as contempt. Better to say “I feel unhappy/confused when you …” This is an I-message and sets up the stage for constructive solving of the problem. Otherwise, if you bring it in a sarcastic, insulting, or contemptuous way the conflict will almost always result in harshness. Not productive.

Both of you: An additional thing to remember is when fighting, don’t say “You always” or “You never.” After all, this is an exaggeration, right? Better to say “you rarely or you frequently.” This is more moderate language, and leads to more moderate emotions.

So, as you grow together, the wives need to learn how to respect their husbands. The husbands need to learn how to love their wives. It is possible to get off of what Emerson Eggeriches calls “The Crazy Cycle,” and get on “The Energizing Cycle.” (If you haven’t looked at the book Love and Respect by him, I’d recommend that you get it and read it.  The marriages that have been saved and improved by it are numerous!)

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