In this culture of disrespect, how can we show respect to
the one we love? Here are four DO’s and
four DON'T’s:
1) Do
listen. How often do we just brush
the person off, pretending to listen while we are really formulating in our
mind what we’re going to retort? Or, we are pre-occupied with something else,
so we “half listen?” It’s very invalidating to be listened to “half way”, and
I’d suggest 10 minutes of real, active listening. Ask questions! Repeat back to
them “I heard you say…” Say “Uh huh, MMMM, and things like that that show them
you are listening. They are worth it, now, aren’t they?
2) Appreciate each other. Gratitude is the
opposite of complaining, and has many benefits. If you say what you appreciate
about them, it has twice the benefits, for it enhances your relationship. Do so
every day, set aside a time to tell each other what you are thankful for.
Especially character qualities: hard work, integrity, compassion, kindness,
sensitivity to needs, maturity… these things carry more weight than compliments
on performance or looks. (Although once in a while, guys, tell you wife she is
beautiful!)
3) Affirm the person. This is similar to
appreciating them, but different too. They NEED encouragement, and you can
provide it. Maybe they are trying to do something hard, a project for work. Or
maybe they’re worn out from battling small children all day. “Anxiety in the heart
of one weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad.” (Prov. 12:25) With
effort, you can encourage/affirm her or him!
4) Believe the best! Often we assume the
worst about the person’s motives, without even asking them. Stop and think: am
I believing the best? If he/she is late for dinner without calling you, do you
assume it’s because he/she is seeing someone else? Or could it be because they
are helping someone who needs help? You choose! Everyday we choose what we are
going to believe about our spouse.
Now some DON’T’s:
Husbands: Don’t try to fix
the problem! Listen first, then ask if she wants a solution, or if she just
wants to vent. This is hard for husbands, as the natural inclination of the
male brain is to fix the problem! But you need to RESIST you first inclination,
and listen empathetically. I know that is hard, but you can do it if you try.
(If you forget, apologize, and listen a bit more)
The other thing that husbands routinely do is try to multitask when she is talking to you. Don’t
look at your phone or I-pad, or your computer, or the TV screen when she is
talking! You can give her some undivided attention. Maybe you could pre-arrange
how much, say 10 minutes. But it is crucial that you do so!
Wives: Don’t expect your husbands to read your minds! We all wish they could anticipate our every wish,
but the truth is they can’t. Not even close. So, you need to tell them,
respectfully, “I wish you’d bring me flowers sometime.” Or take out the
garbage, or whatever else you wish.
Another don’t is to criticize
them harshly. They perceive criticism and conflict over it as contempt.
Better to say “I feel unhappy/confused when you …” This is an I-message and sets up the stage for
constructive solving of the problem. Otherwise, if you bring it in a sarcastic,
insulting, or contemptuous way the conflict will almost always result in
harshness. Not productive.
Both of you: An additional thing to remember is when
fighting, don’t say “You always” or “You
never.” After all, this is an exaggeration, right? Better to say “you
rarely or you frequently.” This is more moderate language, and leads to more
moderate emotions.
So, as you grow together, the wives need to learn how to
respect their husbands. The husbands need to learn how to love their wives. It
is possible to get off of what Emerson Eggeriches calls “The Crazy Cycle,” and
get on “The Energizing Cycle.” (If you haven’t looked at the book Love and Respect by him, I’d recommend that you get it and read it. The marriages that have been saved and
improved by it are numerous!)
www.cynthiagill1972.blogspot.com
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