Pray for my spouse? What should I say?

A worthy goal for us in 2016 is to pray more! These simple prayers can be used to keep strong marriages strong, breathe life and hope back into struggling marriages, or anywhere in between. Happy New Year! May we be the people we aspire to be, especially with those we love the most...

 

      8 Simple Prayers that Help Marriages

1.     Lord, give us tender hearts for each other and for You.  This is a powerful prayer. It’s based on Matt. 19:8 where Jesus says that “because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you divorce.” When we get hurt, we harden our hearts which leads to emotional separation. Pray this daily for our spouses and ourselves! Some days praying this several times is not too often.

2.     Lord, help us to hear You together. In Is. 30:18-21 we learn that He longs to bless us and that He will direct us. How vital to develop the ability to hear His guiding voice in unity! Pray to “hear” and then tell each other what you’ve heard from God. Then pray again to choose a course together.

3.     Lord, what should I say and what should l not say? Help me know how much to say, when to say it, and if I could keep silent on this issue. Prov. 15:23 say that an apt answer brings joy. There are many other Proverbs that speak of the danger of using too many words. We need to learn discernment on what is too much and what is “stuffing it” or saying not enough.

4.     Lord, give me Your eyes to see him/her.  II Cor. 5:16 says we can learn to recognize no one according to the old nature. Asking Him to help us see our spouse with His eyes is very helpful, as our vision is often clouded with our own hurts, preconceived notions, and history of wounds from others.

5.     Lord, help me see myself as You see me. Due to our own personal wounds we are often harsh with ourselves. This also causes us to be critical of our spouse and children. Song of Sol 6:9-10 is a precious Scripture that shows how God sees us. Ps.139:13-16 also address self concept issues. One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse and children is to allow Him to heal our emotional pain.

6.     Lord, help me to encourage myself.  In I Sam 30:6, David showed that he knew how to encourage himself in God’s strength. Too often we rely on our spouse for encouragement, and try to get all our needs met from him/her. As we learn to rely more on God to meet our needs, it will greatly improve our marriages. We will be like less like a vacuum cleaner, sucking the life out of the other one and more like a fountain, overflowing with love to give out.

7.     Lord, help me to encourage my wife/husband today. Heb. 3:13 urges us to encourage each other, because life is full of discouraging situations that drain us. How can we be part of the solution rather than part of the problem for our spouse?

8.     Lord, give me victory over bitterness. Heb. 12:14-17 warns us that a bitter heart can pollute many. Most notably our children will learn to harbor bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness if we do not get victory over these negative emotions in our marriages. “Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt the person back who hurt you.” (Dr. Archibald Hart) This understanding has the potential to change marriages everywhere. After all, a marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

"To Eat or Not to Eat..." Christmas under control

“’Tis the Season” we hear and inside many of us cringe. Too busy, too much food, spending too much, what to give the person who has everything. Oh and did I say over-indulgence runs rampant? Over-extended, over-stressed, and then feeling guilty for not enjoying the season of Peace and Joy. Does that sound familiar? Now, be honest!

And lest you think I am a Scrooge, advocating cancelling Christmas, please read on. I’d like to suggest, we can enjoy it more fully if we simplify, pace ourselves, and scale back in several areas.

And especially eating. This blog will deal with that. It seems that every social event specializes in providing large amounts of rich food, and of course we feel obligated to try it all. It gets to the point where we don’t enjoy it any more, as the feeling of being perpetually full steals the joy of the good flavor. Not to mention the guilt we feel when our pants fit more snugly, and we rue the last 12 desserts we ate.

What strategies work to help us practice self control? Food is certainly meant to be enjoyed, and eating is one of the greatest pleasures afforded humankind! But in our land of plenty, we forget that there are other pleasures too.

Hedonism focuses on self and doesn’t take into account the focus on others, and the satisfaction that comes from saying “no.”

Practical strategies are the only kind I will even consider writing about.  On a day when you feast because it’s the company Christmas party, then do so with abandon! But the next day, limit your food intake. You really don’t need three big or even average meals on the next day.
On the day your family celebrates Christmas with a grandiose table loaded with perhaps several meats and treats that you dream about all year long, go ahead and enjoy it! But the day before and the day after, eat significantly less. Your goal is to enjoy, right?  Well, you will enjoy it even more if you do this.
 

Another strategy that works is to eat more slowly. Think of the word savor. Teach our children to savor each bite (we can only do that if we learn to do it ourselves), rather than hurry. A small piece of pie can that way bring us much more satisfaction than a large one. Let yourself notice each aspect of various flavors and textures. Talk about them. Enjoyment will be heightened. (Of course, add to that the satisfaction of going home and not needing Tums.)

 The law of diminishing returns is always in effect. No matter how much pleasure we derive from things like good food and drink, it will take more to make us feel good. Unless we deny ourselves for a day or two. Then we return to thankfulness mode and appreciate every bite.

Hmmmm, doesn’t that sound appetizing?!

If Christmas is so Merry, Then Why am I Depressed?

 

“It’s the very best time of the year” we hear in the words of a famous Christmas carol. If that is the case, then why do so many people struggle depression during this time? The truth is, rather than being the merriest time of the year, Christmas is for many one of the saddest times. Why?

 

One of the biggest culprits is Unrealistic Expectations: “I should be happy,” we tell ourselves, as we race from event to event. Underneath we fell guilty for spending too much money, eating too much, and being crabby with our family members. Over- extended, we say yes with a saccharine smile, while inside counting the days until this hectic season is over.  Then we get into a vicious cycle: too busy, angry, and depressed, so we do more to cover it up, try harder, get angrier, more depressed…

 

There are several ways to break this cycle. Consider listening to your self talk. “I should” can be tyrannical. Try replacing some of the “shoulds” with “I can” or “I want to.” Instead of “I should give Aunt Matilda a gift,” saying “I can do it” not only indicates your choice of giving her the gift, but also allows you to choose the option not to if you are honest with yourself and that’s really how you feel! (What is the worst that could happen?) This will help us identify what we really do want to do, and feel better about what we actually choose.

Wisdom tells us to prioritize, simplify, and cut out unnecessary activities. Do you really have to bake 12 kinds of cookies just because your mom did?  Our family had a tradition of making all homemade gifts for each other. It was a great relief when I realized that in the 21^st century, that just doesn’t work for me anymore.

 

If you are a family that is grieving or adjusting to new living conditions, give yourself some space! If loss has occurred through death or divorce, expecting yourself to have happy feelings is being out of touch with reality. God does not expect such things. Many well-meaning friends and relatives may understand neither the depth of your grief, nor the most helpful way to help you deal with it. Here forgiveness would play a vital role.

Take care of yourself, seek out counsel, and find support as you move through this season.  Melancholy during any time needs to be identified and validated.  Our culture, based as it is on entertainment aimed at emotional highs, does not encourage a mature treatment of grief or depression.

 

 Some families find it helpful to cancel extraneous activities such as multiple parties and instead go down to a homeless shelter to help the poor. Any way of reaching out to someone less fortunate than ourselves is very therapeutic for self-pity. Reading stories about such people does wonders for helping me tell myself the truth about my situation, Whatever I’m struggling with, it’s not as bad as those living in war-torn, desperately poor countries, or having suffered unspeakable tragedies, like the loss of all one’s family members, genocide, debilitating brain injuries, etc.

 

In closing, the real “Reason for the Season” is not happy feelings. 

We can reject some of the stress that comes from doing too much, and more importantly the expectations that drive it.  Take care of yourself, learn to say “no,” spend your valuable time on fewer activities, cultivate traditions that focus on relationship. Our Savior’s birth is the epitome of simplicity. As we take steps to reject unrealistic cultural and familial expectations, we surely will experience more of the peace that He came to give us.

Where are the Elizabeths? 3 Tips for Mentoring Millenials

Where are the Elizabeths?

Today someone I mentor told me that among her peer group there is a crying need for mentors.  Someone to bounce things off of, someone older and wiser by virtue of years walking with the Lord, someone who has learned life lessons by what he/she has gone thru. An Elizabeth to answer the Mary’s questions. (Luke 1:39-45)

I was saddened by this need, and a little angered. What’s my generation doing with their time that’s more important than sowing into the next generation?  So, I said I would contact all my friends (I did) and ask them to consider mentoring a person from the next generation for a while.

Here are 3 tips to remember about mentoring.

1. It’s more about relationship than it is about what you do and don’t know. Just listening, and talking about life. Head knowledge is overrated. Anyone can gain it from a book, TED talk, video, you-tube, a conference, or a seminar. But relationship is priceless. The Scripture says we have many teachers but not many fathers. (I Cor. 4:15) Could this mean that relationships are where it’s at?
    
   I once heard that the amount of influence you have on a person is inversely proportional to the size of the group you are speaking to. That means that the LEAST amount of influence is to be had in conferences, huge seminars, and the MOST is to be had with one-on-one relationships.  This has been our experience. The lives we’ve seen most healed and the souls most encouraged have all been in one-on-one relationships.
    
2. One thing NOT to do is to judge them. For their struggles, their questions, their opinions…Many in the younger generation have not been parented well, so this leaves them weak. They need encouragement, not judgment. Everyone is lonely. They DON’T need criticism, to be parented, or controlled. They need to be LISTENED to.
    
   I mentored one girl for 12 years, and we went thru Proverbs, the chapter for the day, every time. And we talked about boyfriends, her friends, family, etc. The scripture is important; it is a springboard to pressing questions that plague these young people. It contains the answers, but they aren’t readily apparent to them. As they grow to trust you, the relationship will open up the answers to their questions. But they will not open up to you if you judge them.
    
3. Let them observe. I had a mentor while in college, and I don’t remember what we talked about. But I remember that just being with her strengthened me. Just being in her presence! She had 3 kids, all in school, and I ate supper with them once a month. I learned infinitely more from observing her than from anything she told me. She once surprised her husband with a guitar for his birthday. I remember that 40 years later!
    
   It’s kind of like kids: they learn much more from what they see their parents DO than what they say.

So, if you are in the wiser generation, PLEASE take this as a kick in the pants to get started mentoring. If you are a young person, KEEP ON SEEKING for a mentor. Inter-generational relationships are not only good, they are vital.

There’s something about the wisdom of ages that rubs off on you. The Proverbs say, “Wisdom is in the presence of one who has understanding…”  (17:24) Let’s get wisdom! Spend time with the wise!

 

 

Death of a Beloved

Death is horrible.

My dad died on Sunday; we were with him. It was not amazing, not exciting, or anything else. It was sad. The body was going downhill for several weeks, and the nurses were saying that he was getting
weaker. But we, ever optimistic, did not believe them. Oh we knew it was the last year of his life. And we cringed when he asserted that he would live "12 more years" (to be 100). But right up until the end, we did not really believe that he was dying.

They said that the goal now was to keep him calm, not agitated. They mostly succeeded in that. At the end he would peacefully depart, just like I had given him permission to do. But I had said to him "If its all the same to you, Dad, could you wait till Andy (my brother) arrives?" Well it wasn't the same to him, he wanted to go earlier, so Andy did not get to say goodbye to him in person. But he
talked on the phone to Dad a few hours before he died. So did 2 of his daughters and 4 of his grandchildren. Not counting the two that were in the room with me when he died.

One grandson spoke to dad, then when the phone was handed over to his cousin, he said through his tears, “This sucks.”

Yes, Neal, I agree, it sucks. Death is horrible.

In third world nations, death is not so strange. They see it more often. In our country, we shield the average person from it. I'm 61, and this is the first time I’ve been in the room with a dying person. Mother died 6 days after I said goodbye to her.

As the scriptures say “Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust; the spirit goes back to God who give it…”

But really, watching the body go downhill for years, taking turns for the worst in the last 7 months, is, well, awful. The mouth dries up, they sleep more, hurt all over, their teeth decay, they lose weight, and become confused… I started grieving for dad over two years ago. I used to cry when I couldn’t understand him on the phone. When I would kiss him goodbye, in his confusion he would say things like “Do you have your ticket to Challis?”

Grieving is a process, and Americans aren’t good at it. I’m determined to grieve well.  But I shudder when I remember some of the circumstances of the last 7 months. I want to forget them.

I want to remember dad as he was: humorous, always ready with a joke, a good listener, friendly, the life of the party, kind, compassionate, always organizing something, and joyful from an optimistic outlook on life.

“Trees planted in a row, man planted. But trees planted all over the place, God planted,” Dad told me once when I was young. I learned a lot about God from Dad.  He inspired me, corrected me, and taught me. He continues to do so, with his earnestness for justice, humility (he knew who he was before God), and desire to do good to all people.

No wonder wherever he went he was a favorite! What a beloved man he was!

Death is horrible. Death is painful. Death is the last enemy to be overcome. That’s where Christians have the answer, for no one other than Jesus Christ has overcome death: “O Death, where is your Victory, O Grave where is your Sting? Thanks be to God who gives us the victory in Christ Jesus!” (I Cor. 15)

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I wish I smoked...

“I wish I smoked!”

I heard that in a conversation with a friend.  Who says that?!  It was the first time I had heard that.

“Why?” I asked, not showing my surprise.

“Because then I’d get to have breaks every few hours to calm my nerves,” my friend replied. “The rest of us have to just keep on working.”  

“Hmmm, you have a point there,” I answered.

No breaks. No matter if you’re a Type A or not, that’s a drag. Smokers get a break, non-smokers don’t. 

Well, how about you take a non-smoke break, a calm-myself-down break? A soul break. We’re too rushed, we react to pressure all around us and don’t take time to smell the roses. As a result, we are anxious much of the time. Anxiety is America’s number one mental health problem in recent years, surpassing depression.

So, how do we take a soul break? Without nicotine?

Here are some suggestions.

1.     Deep breathe. Taking 4-8 deep breaths, from your diaphragm, like your music teacher used to tell you, does wonders for calming an anxious soul. I count to 4 when inhaling and 6 when exhaling. Some folks like to breathe in through their nose and out through their mouth. Use whatever works for you.

2.     Visualize a tranquil scene. What colors do you see there? What sounds would you hear? What would you feel on your skin, temperatures and textures? What would you smell? If you were going to eat or drink something associated with this beautiful place, what would it taste like? Let yourself enjoy this quiet place for a few minutes.

3.     Do a mindfulness exercise: Notice 5 colors. Now notice 5 sounds.  Now take your hands and notice 5 textures (e.g. smooth, rough) in the clothing or furniture around you. Next, think of 5 things you are thankful for. It’s amazing how this little exercise will calm you, and it takes just 2-3 minutes.

4.     Meditate on nature. What do you see that is beautiful? Clouds, trees, the leaves on a bush. Even in the dead of winter in Minnesota, there is something lovely to notice.

5.     Progressive Muscle Relaxation. Starting with your hands, tense and relax each set of muscles. Pay particular attention to your jaw, your neck, and your mid-section. This can last as long as you want it to. It’s a good one when you can’t get to sleep.

6.     Meditate on a Scripture or some inspirational quote. Maybe something from a song. Just stop long enough to clear your mind and harken back to that saying and it will keep you centered on the Lord in the midst of a hectic day.

When we are stressed, our bodies produce excess adrenaline, which is harmful. Dr. Archibald Hart, in his excellent book The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress says this: “Adrenaline surges should not be allowed to continue beyond the immediate legitimate emergency that provokes them. As soon as possible... you should bring down your level of arousal.” (p. 132) He suggests self-talk to do this:

“What is really important in life? If I hurry, will I get the friendships and respect of others that I long for? Look around at the faces of others. Are they missing something? Slowing down will give me an encouraging word to say to them…”

Heart attacks, strokes, and other complications are the result of adrenaline overload. Earlier this year I had a stroke, and have been learning to slow down ever since. Don’t wait until you are forced to!   Stop, take a soul break every few hours. It is really very rewarding, and you’ll work smarter than those nicotine addicts you were envying before!

What Do Your Children Marinate In?

Who has the power to “set the thermostat” of the environment in our homes and places of work? WE do! Do we want the atmosphere to be bitter and negative, or healthy, hope-filled? Parents, our children marinate in the atmosphere of our homes. They are looking to us to see how we cope with the challenges of life! Following are some tips on maintaining a positive and confidence-building atmosphere:

1) Listen to yourself. How many times do you hear yourself doing one of the big 3 C’s:

complaining, criticizing, or being cynical? Count how many times you say the word “frustrated”, “annoyed,” or other such words. What comes out of our mouth is indicative of what is in out hearts, so some time for reflection is in order if we are speaking too much negativity. Ration for yourself how many times you will allow yourself to express negativity per day.  Cynicism imparts the attitude that we are powerless, research suggests that we CAN actively work to change that. Learned helplessness does not benefit anyone.

2) Develop a supply of positive phrases that you can say to help you cope with life’s challenges.

 Here are some suggestions to get you started:

“Well, the good things about ____ far out weigh the bad.”

“It could be worse. We could live in ____ were there is no food, medical care, infrastructure, etc.”

“If this is the worst thing that happens all day (or all week) that is not TOO bad!”

3) Combat anxiety by speaking truth to yourself.

“What’s the worst case scenario?” “What would I do in that case?”

“Is anyone going to die?” (if we run out paper today, etc.)

“What is the likelihood of that happening?”

4) Here are some techniques to help us overcome anxiety:

a. Change the “What if’s” to “What next?” This switches our thinking from the imaginary to the

real: from awfulizing to seeking solutions, from the huge, nebulous, fear-filled unknown   to the next concrete step we can take. It empowers us and most importantly changes our

 focus.

b. Our focus determines our experience! What am I focusing on? The negative? If ten people

 compliment my new haircut, and only one says she doesn’t like it, do we focus on the

 ONE negative?!

c. Choose to believe that “I am not a victim, I can control my attitude about this. Although I

 cannot control other people or the circumstances, I can control my own attitude.”

d. When we make mistakes, we need to admit it, and then stop beating ourselves.  “I made a

 mistake, that doesn't mean I have no value, nor does it negate all the good in my life.”

 One person said, “There are no such things as mistakes, only lessons.” What can I learn from this one?

e. People of faith recognize that ultimately humans are not in control.  This is very helpful to

 remind ourselves if our belief system includes the idea that in all things God works for

 the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. It allows us to relinquish control.

5.) List all the positive things that happened today (or this morning, or about this event, in this situation, etc.). Work hard at counting/listing your blessings and giving thanks. This skill is very simple and many have heard it for years. Interestingly enough, it is gaining prestige as one of the “newest” discoveries in the field of psychology!

Thankfulness is a very valuable weapon in our quest to defeat anxiety, depression, and “entitlementitis.” But it needs to be intentional, and it is taught best by example. Rather than preaching at someone “you should be more thankful,” list things YOU are grateful for, and then ask them to follow your example.

6) Make it a goal to say at least one positive thing to as many family members & friends as possible, and to yourself each day.

7) Quiet yourself. Take a few minutes to meditate on something of beauty and wonder, it will change your perspective. A quiet heart can receive from God. In our noisy culture we forget the power of stillness. Some call it the “gentle whisper” or “still small voice.” Peace and a hopeful attitude simply will not happen if we are constantly allowing ourselves to be bombarded with external stimuli, including screens! Addiction to screens creates a climate for anxiety to skyrocket.

Whether we are raising children, or working in another setting, perhaps with no children around, we will have a higher quality of life if we learn to be more positive.  Far from being a “Pollyanna,” we will have a quiet confidence that draws others to us, and commands their respect.  Does the world need such qualities?