Who Me? Entitled?

I’m about all burned out on Entitlement. Reading four books about entitlement in the past three weeks has maxxed me out! I need to take a break from it.

You see, I’m preparing for a parenting workshop August 19^th called “Entitlement: Beat It!” In getting ready for this workshop I’ve read The Entitlement Cure by Townsend, re-read Raising Grateful Kids in an Age of Entitlement by Welch and The Collapse of Parenting by Sax. The other night I started The Narcissism Epidemic by Twenge & Campbell. Today, well, my brain reached overload.

So I decided to write a blog about Entitlement, hmnmmm, was that smart?! Let me share a little of what I’m learning. Now, I’ve been watching the entitlement movement grow for two decades. I taught my classes back at Bethany the word “Entitlementitis” before it was popular to talk about it.

Did you know that there are four legs that Entitlement rests on?

 1) The permissive parenting and self-esteem focused education. Fewer boundaries are set by families, and teachers tell kids that they are “stars” and “winners” even as performance stays stagnant.

 2) The media culture of shallow celebrity. Celebrity culture tempts people with the idea of fame- fame awarded for the amount of attention drawn to themselves rather than actual accomplishment.

3) The Internet: it’s a conduit for individual narcissism. It allows people to present an inflated and self-focused view if themselves to the world, and encourages them to spend hours each day contemplating their images.

 4) Easy credit, which make self-focused dreams become reality. It serves as a personal Fairy Godmother who makes wishes come true. (The Narcissism Epidemic)

My workshop will address the first one, but we have all four to overcome if we want to turn responsible.

First of all we need to see where we are entitled ourselves. Townsend says we all have “Pocket Entitlement” that rears its ugly head from time to time. So, how do we get rid of that? He stresses that we can’t do it alone! We need to fix out “inner structure” so that it’s disciplined, being ruthless with our instant gratification mentality.

He lists five obstacles to making progress:

Isolation – Don’t get into a grandiose sense of self sufficiency.

Life problems - Don’t wait for life to get easy!

Extremism – Don’t be a sprinter, impatient for it all to be fixed, rather get rid of an all or nothing attitude.

Self-judgment – A harsh inner judge can derail the process. Grace for your failures neutralizes self-judgment so we can fight another day. 

Triggers- Figure out which triggers you’re vulnerable to and prepare for them. A few examples are boredom, not seeing results fast enough, a temporary relapse, friends who want you to drop your structure and go play with them. (The Entitlement Cure, p. 119ff)

Next we need to see the problems caused by false or inflated self-esteem. (Yes, we all have it, though it’s easiest to see in other people!) Probably the biggest problem which I’ve found all four of my books agree with is: the entitled person is deathly afraid of taking a risk and failing. If he does fail, it cripples one’s ability to fail well, and hampers their capacity to learn and grow from failure.

Here are a few skills to help you develop the self-image that will take you through hard times:

1.     Create a self-image table with four columns: True Positives, True Negatives, False Positives, and False Negatives. List five aspects of how you see yourself (or have seen yourself) in each. For example, in True Positives I would write “Gentle with others.” In True Negatives I would put “Get distracted when things get difficult.” In False Positives I would list “Think I am better than others sometimes.” In False Negatives, “Get hopeless when I fail at something.”

2.     Meditate on Psalm 139 and Romans 3. These are two passages that define self-image accurately. One says how we are a wonderful creation, and the other tells us that we have a tendency to go our own way and forget who God is. Both are necessary.

3.     Ask three safe people in your life to look at your list from #1. Ask them if they will “not rescue me from the negatives, but rather will stick by me in my course of self-improvement.” (Townsend p. 135)

So, if we can get this far, how great! Our children, friends, siblings, colleagues will all benefit.

 Oh, and if you live in the Twin Cities and are a parent or a grandparent, come to the workshop. I have boatloads of parenting material to give you. Respond to my email to register.

But for now, I need to focus on something else. Like reading Pu der Bar auf Deutsch. That always gets my mind off of whatever is weighing me down...

What Do Kids Need Most?

It is said that a parent spells LOVE to a child with these four letters: TIME.  Yet, in our hectic, rushed lifestyle, how do we manage to carve out time for our families? In his excellent book Connecting with Our Kids, Dr. Tim Smith makes a strong case for spending “down time” with each other to nurture those vital relationships. After all, at the end of their lives, who ever says that they wish they had spent more time at the office or on the road?

 Equally as problematic however, is the tendency to over schedule our children. They are involved in everything: dance lessons, strength training, SAT test coaching, youth group, sports, music lessons, etc., all good things. But there is left little time for creative play, or with teens for simply discussing ideas.

Do you know the single common factor that all families with honor students have? It is not higher education of the parents or socio-economic status, rather it is family dinners together! This is also clear in the study of healthy families that turn out kids most likely to avoid the pitfalls of alcohol and drug abuse and immorality. 

Why does the simple fact of eating together have such a drastic effect on children and youth? It has to do with the conversation at the table. Children’s brains are developing and they need opportunities to converse with parent, to be heard and to express themselves. At the table all are equal, and there is a certain intimacy that comes from eating together. Teenagers especially need to be able to try out their newly developing deeper thinking and logic skills (that’s why they argue so much!). Wise parents dialogue with them, gently and respectfully, firmly guiding them into truth.

There also is the problem of praising them too much. Here are 7 problems from over-zealous parents. It leads to entitlement, and often is our effort to assuage our own guilt at not spending enough time with them.

1.      Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.

2.      Praising for what is required.  Luke 17:10 "So you too, when you have done everything you were told to do should say, 'We are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty.'"

3.      Praising what is not specific.  “You are amazing!” Praise should go in one of 4 buckets: hard work, being kind, being honest, being vulnerable. Non-specific, excessive statements have no bucket. It turns into either "I don't believe you," or narcissism.

4.      Praising and telling your child that he/she is better than others. “You deserve special treatment.” Instead say, “You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help your coach pick up the equipment.”  Prov. 15:32 "He who ignores discipline despises himself."

5.      Praising not based on reality. “You can do anything you want to do,” is unrealistic, and leads to disappointment.

6.      A lack of warmth in a family upbringing. Creates a defensive grandiose identity, who comes across as arrogant and superior.

7.      Praise the character in a person rather than the achievement all the time. This points out that the person has made a choice to do right, regardless of their talent or lack thereof.

We can learn some practical tips from those who have successfully raised their children. One of those is my pastor, Rob Ketterling, who makes the following suggestions.

1)      Each quarter give them something to look forward to. Otherwise “sometime” never comes. Example: Going to grandma’s, going to a game… you can do that once a quarter!

2) When they are 10, they get to choose a place to go on vacation. When they are 13, have a little ceremony where you have two adults speak into their lives. They should know them, and share some godly encouragement with them and also a warning.

3) If you spank, never do so such that it leaves a mark. It should never be out of control, both parents should be there to quell the other ones anger. Better to wait than to spank then in anger. And give them LOTS of love and affection when it's over, and they show brokenness.

4) Express affection to your spouse in front of them; this is very important.

5) They should go on a missions trip when teenagers. Go on a family one.

6) Too much of anything is not good. Too much discipline without nurture is like putting weed killer all over your lawn! How can it grow up when there is too much correction on it? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you neglect the kids by letting them do whatever they want. But most Christian parents err on the side of constantly correcting their child.  “Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Be careful…!” Are there 5 times as many good positive things as negative that your child hears?

7) Is your faith just a part of your life, on the fringe? Or is it vital, woven into every aspect of the kid’s life? Get as excited about when the child reads God’s word on his own; loves to tithe on his own; prays for missions on his own…as his earning power, his grades, her goal in soccer.

Our society is not family friendly. The skills needed to succeed at business are antithetical to those needed to develop strong family relationships. Let’s spend TIME with our children, building them up, nurturing their hearts. Let’s swim against the tide.

Porn in the 21st Century

I cried when I researched this blog. Sobbed. Grieved over the next generation... Viewing pornography has a deep and lasting impact on children. It affects them relationally, emotionally, intellectually, neurologically, and spiritually. And with the advent of modern technology, porn use has changed.

It is now Accessible. All ages can encounter and consume sexually explicit content.

It is Affordable. In the past, people paid money for magazines, videos, and books; but now there is a tremendous amount available for free.

It is Acceptable. Not so many years ago, it was considered immoral to view porn. Now, however, nine out of 10 young men say that it’s acceptable; and teens and young adults rate not recycling as more immoral than viewing porn. (The Porn Phenomenon: The impact of pornography in the digital age, 2016, A Barna Report, p. 85)

It is Anonymous. Today anyone can watch pornography without any human contact, whereas before they had to buy a magazine from a clerk or a worker at a video store.

It is Aggressive. In a study of behaviors on popular porn, 88% of the sex acts involved physically aggressive acts towards the women, who nearly always responded neutrally or with pleasure. (This was shocking to me, and I put down the magazine I was reading, sobbed and prayed.) More insidiously, women would sometimes beg their partners to stop, then acquiesce and begin to enjoy the activity, no matter how painful or debasing it was. (Orenstein,P., 2016, “How porn is changing a generation of girls” TIME, April 11, p. 47)

It is Active. It’s easier than ever to become an active producer and distributor of porn, rather than simply a passive consumer. Simply over-share on the Internet, send sexting messages, and the like.*

So, what’s a parent to do? Dr. Meg Meeker says “When parents talk openly about what their kids may see and let them know they are here to help -not criticize- most children will listen. It is important for parents to tell their kids that pornography will come across their screens without them even searching for it. They should tell their kids that the feelings of shame, disgust, and embarrassment they will experience when seeing pornography are not only normal but also good. These feelings are there to show kids that pornography harms them. The most important factor is for parents to address the issue openly and calmly. They should communicate that their job is to help their children navigate a world of electronics that is tough and potentially harmful.” (Meeker, M. When Puberty and Pornography Collide, Christian Counseling Today, Vol. 22, No.1, p. 33) (bold is mine)

Sean McDowell agrees that the most important thing is to build close, intimate, and emotional relationships with your children. “Faith and values are passed on to kids when there are healthy parent-child relationships.” (Porn and Parenting in the 21^st Century, Christian Counseling Today, Vol.22, No.1, p. 10)  He also says two other things. “Talk with you kids early about sex and pornography.” Not merely the “sex talk,” but whenever there is an opportunity, bring it up. The other day my granddaughter was marveling about how the couple next door was planning a wedding. An excellent opportunity to bring up the fact that living together before marriage is not God’s way.

Teach kids about the goodness of sex. Not just to wait until marriage for that dirty thing that if you have it too early you might get AIDS and die. But God’s view of it: for procreation, pleasure, unity, and to bring glory to Him. Role-play with your kids: before they find themselves in situations where they are exposed to porn on another’s device. Role-play turning away and asking first what they are looking at are vital in establishing proactive habits among our kids.

Finally, have appropriate technological boundaries: 1) No use of digital devices in the bedroom! Only in the front room where others are. 2) Install Covenant Eyes for filtering out devices and get weekly reports about what they are watching. Note, this is a fence, not a babysitter, and it only works with accountability and relationship, otherwise the kids just figure out ways to outsmart it. But used in conjunction with parental guidance, it is effective. 3) There is no guarantee that a child will get a digital device at a certain age. They need to first prove that they are responsible. And then, give them a contract. See http://abcnews.go.com/US/massachusetts-mom-son-sign-18-point-agreement-iphone/story?id=18094401

We can, with intentionality and effort, beat the porn onslaught. We need to be strong, courageous, and proactive, not passive bystanders in the battle. The future of our beloved children depends on it!

*(Material taken from Porn and Parenting in the 21^st Century by Sean McDowell, CCT, Vol. 22, No. 1, pp. 10-14)

9 Things That Make You Unlikable/Likable

What do sincerity, transparency, and capable of understanding have in common? They are the three qualities that make you likable, according to a study by Travis Bradbury. Loneliness is a big problem that I’m confronted with every day in my practice, so I decided to share these 9 points with my readers. Note: the last three are the most important.

1.    Sharing too much too early. This makes you sound like you are using them as a sounding board. It’s evidence that you’re self-obsessed. Better to share a little at a time, listening generously, and let your relationship grow slowly.

2.  Having a closed mind. People who have their minds made up are not approachable.  “I’ve made up my mind, don’t confuse me with the facts” is not an easy attitude to like! Better to be open-minded. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, it is polite and kind to find out why they think that way.

3.      Gossiping. You sound negative and spiteful. Better to look for something positive to talk about, and not delve into gossip.

4.      Name-dropping. People who name drop come across as insecure. Better to just talk about what you‘ve done and know, without bringing in any famous or important people you’ve encountered. Being friendly and considerate is more likable than trying to get attention through name-dropping.

5.      Whipping out your phone. People do it nowadays, but it is rude! Better to listen, concentrate on what they are saying. No text message is so important that it can’t wait till you’ve finished your conversation. Be validating, focus all your energy on the conversation with them.

6.    Emotional Hijacking. Exploding, throwing things, screaming, and crying all make your point, but they show how immature you are. You’ll be labeled as unstable and intimidating. Keep control of your emotions, and the other person will respect you much more.

7.      Not asking enough questions. This is a symptom of not really listening to them. You’re so focused on what you want to say, that you don’t really pay much attention to them. Asking clarifying questions shows a real interest in them. You’ll be surprised at how much appreciation you gain by asking questions.

8.      Being too serious. Balance your conversations, bring humor into them! It’s ok to be passionate about some things, but too much “Tunnel Vision” will detract from the subject. A mixture of passion and fun is more mature of you; better to relax a little and enjoy the person and the conversation.

9.       Humble-bragging. Some people think it is humble to put themselves down all the time. Such self-deprecation is really a mask for “look at me.” Deep down, the person is feeling shame, and is trying to get attention to affirm themselves that he/she really is worthy. It is a double wammy- not only is it an attention-getting-device, but it also it somewhat deceptive. Just be yourself without the self-deprecating comments. And accept compliments with a gracious “thank you.”  

Notice that the three qualities Bradbury found that made people like them were NOT being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive. Such things you are born with, but character is a choice. Emotional Intelligence is a choice. Let’s choose to develop our character and go deep.

No one likes a self-obsessed person. Everyone likes a real, transparent, considerate, and empathetic person.

By Travis Bradbury http://www3.forbes.com/leadership/9-things-that-make-you-unlikable/10/

Are Boundaries Biblical?

“It’s more blessed to give than receive,” quote many Christians, who think they are being selfish by setting boundaries. After all, it tells us to give liberally in the Bible (Acts 20:35, Luke 6:38) they argue, while suffering from lack of self-care.

Let’s look at some verses that bring balance to our lives. “Boundaries verses,” I call them.

Galatians 6:2 and 5 are the first ones. “Bear one another’s burdens,” we are exhorted by Paul. But he follows up quickly with the admonition “For each shall carry his own load.” It is understood that the first verse means to help others carry burdens that are too heavy for them: say when someone dies, or is very sick, or is moving.  But to take responsibility for someone else, the things that he/she should carry himself? That is neither good nor wise. An example is the adult child living at home, leeching off his parents. In rare situations the parent can help out, but how will he/she ever learn responsibility if the parent meets every need the (adult) child has? It works for them, so they’ll continue with an irresponsible lifestyle!

Matthew 25:1-13, the parable of the wise and foolish virgins, is a clear indication that we are to set boundaries and stick to them. “The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both of us…’” Jesus doesn’t encourage them to give up themselves, to sacrifice what is precious to them for the foolishness of the others. Rather, he applauds them for being wise. This passage very clearly speaks to us that boundaries are a godly thing to have.

In Matthew 11: 28-29 Jesus bids us come to Him if we are weary and heavily loaded down. If we are carrying too many burdens, we are not going to be able to enjoy the rest that he has for us. Other verses that speak to this are Hebrews 4:3-4, 9-11. “There remains therefore a rest for the children of God…” The Sabbath (referred to in the passage) is a boundary, set in place because God doesn’t want us to be workaholics! It’s His intention that we lead a balanced life.

 How many of us rest one day a week? I bet those who do see a remarkable reward in the family relationships. But the person who is caretaking her mentally ill friend, and managing her own 4 young children, and still volunteers to feed the homeless 3 times a month…how is that a light and easy yoke?

Psalm 131 is a precious psalm that describes a mother and her weaned child, quieting himself. What a beautiful picture of boundaries. The person doesn’t overextend himself/herself taking on more things than he/she can handle. “My heart is not proud (vs.1)” it says.

 Romans 12:3 expresses the same thing. “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to think.” Somehow we perceive of ourselves as able to bake 4 different batches of cookies for the bazaar, volunteer to clean the church basement, trim all the bushes in the community park, run for the school board, and still have enough energy left for our own family. What are we thinking? Of course, our family is the one who gets the short end of the stick.

We say “Yes” because we feel pressured to please everyone, and that is from our own shame.  Psychologists tell us that we need to care for ourselves, to be assertive enough to say NO sometimes. In Titus it says “For the grace of God…has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say NO to ungodliness…and live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives.” (Tit. 2:11,12) How can we love others if we don’t love ourselves? (Mark 12:30-31, Matt. 22:39)

The 10 commandments contain boundaries. “You must not steal,” indicates that God respects private property. Not socialism promoted by force.  By free will (as in Acts 4:32-35), yes, but free will is the guideline. “You must not commit murder” is an obvious boundary, as is “you must not covet.”

 In my experience, the people who are most critical of others are many times doing the most. Perhaps they are a little self-righteous. Perhaps they feel empty because they are so busy serving that they don’t have time to sit and build relationships. Sound like Martha? (Luke 10:38-42) They come to me with depression and anxiety, stemming largely from the lack of healthy self-love that allows you to be gentle and patient with yourself.

 And thus gentle and patient with others.

Set good boundaries. A boundary is simply a limit. It means saying “enough.” Get help if you can’t say no, can’t seem to set good limits. Perhaps there’s some co-dependency that you need to deal with. There are many more verses in the Bible that point to a balanced life (Prov. 11:1). Jesus is not a harsh taskmaster, who asks us to give beyond our means. He is meek and lowly of heart, and wants us to rest. To only “do the good works that He has prepared for us to walk in (Eph. 2:10)." After all, everything has a season, it might be the season to enjoy your little ones, or some such thing. (Ecc. 3:1-10) "He has made everything beautiful in its time."

 The fruit of the spirit will flourish in a life that is well cultivated with balance and boundaries.

Let’s glorify God by resting in Him!

The Number 1 Reason Our Kids Leave the Faith

 

“Mrs. Gill, if you could do one thing differently, what would you do? A former student asked me this question, and I had an answer for her. “Listen more. Talk at people less.”  Show more empathy. Parents and teachers are notorious for their inability to really listen to their kids, and to show empathy. But we excel at talking AT them. Explaining why we are right.

Micah J. Murray’s blog captured my attention because as a therapist, I see it nearly every day in my office. And sadly, in my former career as a teacher I was guilty of it myself.   http://micahjmurray.com/why-i-dont-cry-to-christians/ The indictment is clear: WE LACK EMPATHY.

Is our inability to empathize due to our arrogance? Head knowledge is seductive, we think that by educating our youth they will suddenly say “Oh thanks for straightening me out on that issue” and change! If we can just convince them of the rightness of our argument, it will have a magic effect on their hearts.

I actually believe that there are other things involved as well. Our own personal history is a big factor. Many of us grew up in an empathy-free zone; our parents were too busy and/or too hurting to listen to us. Encouragement is in short supply in most families.

But in Christian families, references to God are not lacking. Children and young people may hear Him referred to when they do something wrong, or even worse when their parents are angry with them. So they conclude that He doesn't really care about their hearts either. He is too busy, too righteous, and too distant. “So why would I devote myself to someone like that?” they conclude.

Lack of empathy results in shame. My last blog addressed this, and it is lethal. But rather than focus on the destruction caused by shame (there are plenty of blogs out there written by young people who have rejected the faith that express it vividly), let’s look at ways to import empathy into our relationships.

“I’m so mad at my teacher…”  Rather than immediately correct our young people for their disrespect, we need to hear their hearts. “Pick your battles” is a common adage for parents and teachers, but we don't really pay attention to it very well. If we did, we’d stop and realize that in power struggles no one really wins. The relationship suffers often-irreparable damage. How much better to meet their hurt with empathy first. “I hear that you are really angry.” Win their hearts!  Later, when they are calmed down, is the time to engage in collaborative problem solving techniques. “What can you do to solve this problem? What will work? What CAN you change? How can I help you?” Better to play the role of consultant, not the rescuer.

 That is another major reason we lack empathy. We want to solve the problem, and rescue our “poor kids.” Such an underlying belief is rooted in our own shame. In our haste to make ourselves feel better by solving the problem for them, we deny them the very empathy they need to grow. Young people need to feel our confidence in them. It starts with empathy.

Let’s change our paradigm of parenting and teaching. Let’s snatch this generation back from the arms of the world, that is often more empathetic than we are. No wonder the anonymous writer of the letter cited above won't turn to Christians anymore for help. Let’s not let that indictment be said of us in our families, churches and schools. Let’s slow down and listen, show our youth that our hearts are big because of a big, loving God. Let's replace lectures with listening. Save the words for the good times, when hearts are calm.

Why Do Our Children Leave the Faith?

“Mr. Jones, this is the police. We have your son here; he was arrested for possession of marijuana… “Mom, I’m pregnant…” “Dad & Mom there’s something I have to tell you, I’m gay.”  “You force me to go to church, and now that I’m 18, I want you to know that I am an atheist and will never go again!!”

Nothing strikes fear, guilt, and grief into a parent’s heart like hearing that their child has chosen to turn their back on our cherished beliefs.  When they embrace a lifestyle that we not only don’t agree with, but also have spent all of their childhood years trying to inoculate them against, many parents sink into despair and say, “How did I fail?” Others may reject the child, cutting him or her off from the family until they repent. In their anger, they blame the devil, blame the church, the pastor, or God, even leave the faith themselves.

I believe the #1 reason children reject God is that they feel shame when they think of Him. Inadvertently as parents, we use shame to teach them obedience. After all, that’s how our parents taught us right and wrong. Shame is toxic. It can be defined as the belief that “I am bad,” and differs from guilt, which says “I did something bad.”  When a person feels that they are bad to the core, there is a despair that comes, for we were not designed to live in shame.

Theologically we know that mankind has fallen into sin and needs to be restored to a relationship with God through Christ in order to remove our shame. But all too often we teach our children that that occurs through works, not grace. We can quote Eph 2:8 & 9 backward and forwards but still in our heart of hearts we communicate that a person’s acceptance depends on their performance. Why? Because we (emotionally) believe that ourselves! And it robs us of peace and joy daily.

Take our common child rearing practices for example. Jack hits his brother and steals his cookie.  “Jack, WHY did you do that?” we cry in distress. Really the only correct answer to this question is “well, mom, theologically speaking, I have a sinful nature, and my flesh got the better of me, I am bad to the core.” When we ask a child WHY he did something that is usually a shaming question.

Another error parents make is to focus too much on the behavior and not enough on the relationship. If we are honest, we are really worried what others will think of US if our children misbehave.

An international authority on raising troubled children, Dr. Karyn Purvis, says, “Connection needs to come before correction. Every child needs to know his or her preciousness.”  (www.child.tcu.edu) Day after day the child gets the idea that he is never good enough, he can never totally win our approval unless he is perfect. So why would he serve a God that is even more difficult to please? God’s way to bring change to lives is through a mentoring, guiding, and loving relationship. Grace changes people from the inside out, and it is really the exact opposite of shame-based methods we all too often employ.

I asked several adult children why so many of their peers have left the faith, and got very similar answers.  They can be summarized in two words:  “hypocrisy” and “legalism.” As such an indictment on our spiritual walk, no doubt these words will serve to produce copious amounts of guilt in parents’ hearts. But let’s look at them. No one would deny that we make mistakes, but it seems that if our children name it “hypocrisy,” they are saying that we are refusing to admit them. Jesus was very blunt with the Pharisees, calling them out on their refusal to admit that they were putting up a religious façade. People who cover up their failures, who put forth a pretentious front are actually covering up their own shame. 

I’ve told countless parents that one of the best gifts they can give their children is to deal with their own emotional issues. We can only reproduce what we are. How can we expect our children to get it about a loving God when we are so filled with shame? One indication of this is that we always have to be right! When my dad was teaching me to drive, he warned me to be very careful at intersections where I had the right of way. “You can be dead right,” he explained. This analogy carries over into relationships. Being “Right” can do more to kill your relationship than many other things.

Legalism is the attitude that we gain our standing with God through following a series of rules. Such performance-based Christianity is taught both explicitly and implicitly in many churches and families around the world. It produces tired, self-righteous, and discouraged people whose concept of God is that He is harsh, distant and unloving. “Try harder,” the leaders, tell their people when they struggle. Parents inadvertently pass this concept on to their children, and then wonder why some them choose not to follow Him.  Again, the answer is to get our own hearts right with God, to press through past the “Try harder” stage into true grace, which is accepting God’s power and love, cooperating with Him so He changes us from the inside out. Motivated by love, experiencing brokenness, and receiving His gentle, firm correction when we need it is a far cry from the legalism that our children perceive, as we rush around trying to perform to a certain standard, then not admitting it when we fail.

I’d add to this list, a wrong use of power. Some parents, pastors, teachers, and bosses become very enamored with their position of authority. They somehow get the idea that they are infallible, and conduct their relationship with those under them as if they are always right. Pity the person who is spirited enough to challenge them! They will be immediately labeled “rebel”, “incorrigible” “not able to receive correction.” And dealt with accordingly, which usually involves shaming, crushing, or ostracizing them. Some pastors and parents conduct an emotional “Reign of Terror” by having this mindset, especially if they are in a system that perpetrates such beliefs.  Is it any wonder that 80% of our young people run from the church when they get the chance?  Sarah Bessey, popular author and speaker (www.sarahbessey.com ) said, “I got PTSD from the church.” She along with many others such as Micah Murray, (www.micahjmurray.com  ) blog regularly about the need to respect the dignity of each person. Abuse of authority is a major reason many youth are launched in to the world wounded, and do not succeed for an extended length of time in pursuing their goals.

Some authorities think that to be abusive, one must be volatile, and display temper outbursts. This is not always the case. I know cases where people in authority were “quiet bullies.” They never lost their cool, and prided themselves on it. However, their self-righteousness did not allow them to see other people’s points of view, and they took their own authority so seriously that they caused much hurt and division in the organizations they were part of. Many, many young people have been hurt in the fallout created by self-righteous “quiet, calm bullies.”

How can parents and other leaders learn to model respect, dignity, and humility? In future blogs I’ll address this question, as the future of our children depends on our ability to do it.