What do sincerity, transparency,
and capable of understanding have in common? They are the
three qualities that make you likable, according to a study by Travis Bradbury.
Loneliness is a big problem that I’m confronted with every day in my practice,
so I decided to share these 9 points with my readers. Note: the last three
are the most important.
1. Sharing too much too early. This makes you sound like you are using them as a sounding
board. It’s evidence that you’re self-obsessed. Better to share a little at a
time, listening generously, and let your relationship grow slowly.
2. Having a closed mind. People who have their minds made up are not approachable.
“I’ve made up my mind, don’t confuse me with the facts” is not an easy
attitude to like! Better to be open-minded. Even if you don’t agree with what
they’re saying, it is polite and kind to find out why they think that way.
3. Gossiping. You sound negative
and spiteful. Better to look for something positive to talk about, and not
delve into gossip.
4. Name-dropping. People who name drop
come across as insecure. Better to just talk about what you‘ve done and know,
without bringing in any famous or important people you’ve encountered. Being
friendly and considerate is more likable than trying to get attention through
name-dropping.
5. Whipping out your phone. People do it nowadays, but it is rude! Better to listen, concentrate
on what they are saying. No text message is so important that it can’t wait
till you’ve finished your conversation. Be validating, focus all your energy on
the conversation with them.
6. Emotional Hijacking. Exploding, throwing things, screaming, and crying all make your
point, but they show how immature you are. You’ll be labeled as unstable and
intimidating. Keep control of your emotions, and the other person will respect
you much more.
7. Not asking enough questions. This is a symptom of not really listening to them. You’re so
focused on what you want to say, that you don’t really pay much attention to
them. Asking clarifying questions shows a real interest in them. You’ll be
surprised at how much appreciation you gain by asking questions.
8. Being too serious. Balance your conversations, bring humor into them! It’s ok to be
passionate about some things, but too much “Tunnel Vision” will detract from
the subject. A mixture of passion and fun is more mature of you; better to
relax a little and enjoy the person and the conversation.
9. Humble-bragging. Some people think it
is humble to put themselves down all the time. Such self-deprecation is really
a mask for “look at me.” Deep down, the person is feeling shame, and is trying to
get attention to affirm themselves that he/she really is worthy. It is a double
wammy- not only is it an attention-getting-device, but it also it somewhat
deceptive. Just be yourself without the self-deprecating comments. And accept
compliments with a gracious “thank you.”
Notice that the three qualities Bradbury found
that made people like them were NOT being gregarious, intelligent, or
attractive. Such things you are born with, but character is a choice. Emotional
Intelligence is a choice. Let’s choose to develop our character and go deep.
No one likes a self-obsessed person. Everyone
likes a real, transparent, considerate, and empathetic person.
By Travis Bradbury http://www3.forbes.com/
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