How to show empathy

Empathy fuels connection. In this day and age where self centeredness runs rampant, use these! People often in a hurry to “comfort” someone need to use these also. 

Here are some suggestions on how to show empathy:

1.     Take their perspective. “I can see how you would think that, given the circumstances.”

2.     Stay out of judgment.  (This is VERY DIFFICULT, as we do it so frequently!) Say to yourself: “There’s some reason why the person did/said that.”

3.     Recognize their emotion. “I can see you’re mad/sad/scared. Tell me more.”  Don’t say, “Keep a stiff upper lip” or “It’s for the best!”

4.     Connect with the emotion. Communicate that you “feel with” the person.  “I am heart-broken about what you said. I feel like sobbing.”  Don’t say, “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

5.     Don’t give advice! Don’t tell your own story.  Instead say “How can I help?”

6.     Better to say “Oh, that’s so awful I don’t know what to say,” than to say “At least you’re still alive” or some such thing. Empathetic statements rarely or never start with “at least.” Trying to make things better, or “silver line” the dark cloud does not help. Rather, it minimizes their feelings.

7.      Ask them, “How are you really feeling?” Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” You DON”T know how they feel, even f you’ve gone through the exact same thing. That puts the attention onto yourself rather than empathizing with them, and is somewhat presumptuous. 

8.     The phrase “It happened for a reason,” or “It’s God’s will” never is helpful! (One author called it psychological violence!)  Instead say “How can I pray for you?”

9.     Say “Give yourself time to heal,” rather than “You’ll get over this in no time.”

10.   Assure them that you’ll be here for them, do not say, “You’ll be fine.”

You can bring healing to someone just by listening. Perhaps they could teach the art of listening in schools. And colleges. And seminaries.

But all of us can learn these skills, so let’s do it!