True or False Self Esteem? What's the Difference?

“We want teaching on self-esteem,” said a group that I am planning on visiting. Immediately my mind went to the two kinds of self esteem: true self esteem and false self esteem. Can you articulate the difference? I’ll attempt to do so here.

False self esteem is too often taught to our children. “You can do anything you put your mind to.” “You can be anything you want to be.” It involves a self-focus, and a sense of invincibility that is seriously overstated. There is a 100% chance that the person will be disappointed later in life, when they find out that they can’t “be anything they want to be.” Especially without effort.

Self-focus leads to narcissism, which is not healthy for anyone. Telling a person that “You are awesome, you are amazing” without saying something specific that they’re being praised for contributes to this self-focus. Or else the person just doesn’t believe it. Unfortunately many of our children are growing up with a higher view of themselves than they deserve. An example is grades: American kids rate themselves more highly than their age-mates in other countries, yet they have some of the lowest scores. Why is this? They’ve been fawned over, told they’re wonderful all their lives, and therefore it doesn’t matter how they perform.

Allow me to quote from Twenge in The Narcissism Epidemic :

Did you know that there are four legs that false self-esteem rests on?

 1) The permissive parenting and self-esteem focused education. Fewer boundaries are set by families, and teachers tell kids that they are “stars” and “winners” even as performance stays stagnant.

 2) The media culture of shallow celebrity. Celebrity culture tempts people with the idea of fame- fame awarded for the amount of attention drawn to themselves rather than actual accomplishment.

3) The Internet: it’s a conduit for individual narcissism. It allows people to present an inflated and self-focused view if themselves to the world, and encourages them to spend hours each day contemplating their images.

 4) Easy credit, which make self-focused dreams become reality. It serves as a personal Fairy Godmother who makes wishes come true.

I think we further this problem by praising our kids excessively.  Here are some problems with praising our kids:

1.     Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.

2.     Praising for what is required.  Luke 17:10 “We are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty.”

3.     Praising what is not specific.  “You are amazing!” Praise should go in one of 4 buckets: hard work, being kind, being honest, being vulnerable. Non-specific, excessive statements have no bucket, so they are either not believed, or go towards making the child a narcissist.

4.     Praising and telling your child that he/she is better than others. “You deserve special treatment” instead of “You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help your coach pick up the equipment.”

5.     Praising not based on reality. “You can do anything you want to do,” is unrealistic, it leads to disappointment and resentment.

6.     A lack of warmth in a family upbringing. Creates a defensive grandiose identity, who comes across as arrogant and superior.

7.     Praise the achievement rather than the character.  This emphasizes the talents a person is given rather than their choice to do right.

True self esteem on the other hand, doesn’t think this way. It’s said that four things yield true self esteem: work, producing something (art, creative endeavors, etc), responsibility, and when one exhibits self-control. Hmmmm, is that what we’re teaching our kids today? Let’s look at each of them.

Work, not a pleasant task, is largely denigrated by children. “How little do I have to do?” is most often the question. Gone are the days when children had to work to help support the family; we’ve swung the pendulum in the opposite direction now. “But my child can’t do chores, it would put too much pressure on them.”  “They complain too much, it’s easier to do it myself.” “But mom, it’s so BORING!” Work humbles the soul (Ps. 107:12), and all of us need humbling.

Many of us try to produce creative things and fail. Maybe we’re too perfectionistic to recognize that they are indeed good, but not the best, so we give up. Others of us create lovely things (a story, a painting, acting in a play, musical endeavor), and are proud of ourselves for it, but do not go on getting instruction on how to improve so we can move forward in the field. That may have to do with our hesitancy to work hard, to practice, to learn. A passive attitude will not get us anywhere. Nor will a complacent view of yourself. (“I’m great already.”)

My mother used to say, “Responsibility makes a child grow up.” I’m sure that’s true, and that’s one reason we have so many young people in extended adolescence today. Giving people responsibility involves yielding it up, as well as a younger person taking it. Both are not happening today.

Which brings me to the last one, which is the hardest of all: Self-discipline. “He who neglects discipline despises himself,” it says in the Bible (Prov. 15:32), and this is the most difficult truth to assimilate. Self control must be taught to children if you want them to have high self esteem. We need to cultivate it ourselves. Yes, in this world of more, more, more, and no boundaries, only self-mastery will bring about a happy ending.

Take for example the college graduation rate. Right now, 32 % of girls graduate with a four year degree from college. For boys, it’s an abyssimal 22%.  (Dr. Michael Kirst*) Why is that? Could part of it be a lack of self discipline? 

Victoria Prooday has some suggestions as to how we can build true self esteem in our kids.

• Spend one hour a day in green space: biking, hiking, fishing, watching birds/insects.
• Have a daily technology-free family dinner.
• Play one board game a day. (List of family games) Allow for unstructured play.
• Involve your child in one or more chores a day (folding laundry, tidying up toys, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, setting the table etc).
• Implement consistent sleep routine to ensure that your child gets lots of sleep in a technology-free bedroom.

• Teach responsibility and independence. Don’t over-protect them from small failures. It trains them the skills needed to overcome greater life’s challenges.
• Provide nutritious food and limits snacks. Avoid toxic foods.
• Teach them these skills rather than do it for them: Don’t pack your child’s backpack, don’t carry her backpack, don’t bring to school his forgotten lunch box/agenda, and don’t peel a banana for a 5-year-old child.  
• Teach delayed gratification and provide opportunities for “boredom” as boredom is the time when creativity awakens:

• Don’t feel responsible for being your child’s entertainment crew.
• Do not use technology as a cure for boredom.
• Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, malls. Use these moments as opportunities to train their brains to function under “boredom”.
• Help them create a “boredom first aid kit” with activity ideas for “I am bored” times.

Be emotionally available to connect with kids and teach them self-regulation and social skills:

• Turn off your phones until kids are in bed to avoid digital distraction.
• Become your child’s emotional coach. Teach them to recognize and deal with frustration and anger.
• Teach greeting, taking turns, sharing, empathy, table manners, conversation skills,
• Connect emotionally – Smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, or crawl with your child.

To teach them to work, keep this in mind: Loving but firm is a key. Boundaries must be set and enforced to show the person the balance between grace and truth.

A.    Chores are a good way to beat entitlement. Here are the ABC’s of chores:

1.     Assign every member of the family some meaningful contributions. Ask yourself: “What am I doing that my kids could do?” Some families find it useful to post the list of contributions on the fridge with the person’s name next to it. Note- don’t say “Do it now,” or you will be inviting power struggles. Simply give them a deadline.

2.     Be quiet! Don’t nag.

3.     Consequences preceded by empathy will teach them. If they refuse, forget, or do a sloppy job, have them repay you for your energy and effort you put forth to do the thing for them. Ideas are: they could do extra chores for you; they could stay home or lose a privilege to save you energy; or they could pay a professional (or you) to do the chores. (Example: when a teenage girl had to pay a maid for doing her chores!)

We can build true self esteem in our kids, with effort and intentionality. Let’s do it!

* https://collegepuzzle.stanford.edu/tag/women-exceed-men-in-college-graduation/