The
Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax, M.D. is both sobering and alarming. He
makes a good case for why:
1) So many have an extended adolescence
2) The USA has dropped to #17 in the
creative and productive sectors, behind many other nations
3) We have so many college drop-outs
(fewer and fewer of our kids are graduating from college)
4) More kids than ever before are on
medication
5) There is an epidemic of childhood and
teenage obesity in the US
6) Our kids are more fragile now than
they ever have been before.
The author
is very thorough in his research, based on years of extensive clinical practice
and interviews with students and parents internationally. He has given
parenting seminars and spoken to teachers as well in Australia and all over
America. To every concern listed above, he notes that the rise in disrespect of parents has something to
do with it. He chastises parents for allowing it to happen, and urges us to
change our techniques.
He does not
preach; he encourages, guides, and helps parents to regain their rightful
roles.
In the next
blog I will write more about the solutions. Right now, I want to delineate the
problem.
Why do so
many kids have an extended adolescence? They care more about what their peers think
than their parents do, Sax says, giving them a very shaky basis for
their lives. Parents love them unconditionally, and with peers, everything is
conditional and contingent. (p. 105) Yet the kids mistakenly are more concerned
with what their peers think of them than their parents.
“Oh well, they need peer relationship!” we might respond. Yes, they do, but not to
the extent that peers determine their sense of self worth and influence their
values. That’s the parents’ job. It used to be that Robert Fulghum’s Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in
Kindergarten was the norm. “Play fair/Don’t hit people/Put things back
where you found them/ Clean up your own mess/ Say you’re sorry when you hurt
somebody…” Basic self-control and manners were taught. Now, the Internet, video
game, peers, and TV do not teach these things, and neither do the schools. The
parents must, or students don’t learn them.
Why is there
so much obesity in the US? It has to do with what the kids do and what they
eat. 30 years ago, if a child didn’t eat his vegetables, he was excused from
the table, with nothing more till the next meal. And they went outside and
played. Now, too many parents are unwilling to fight with their kids; they just
give them pizza and french fries. And they kids…you guessed it, go back to
their I-pad after supper.
Why are so
many kids on medication? Dr. Sax compared the rise in diagnosis of childhood
bi-polar disorder and ADHD in the past 16 years with that in other countries.
It’s phenomenal! Parents would much rather blame their child’s misbehavior on a
brain problem and give them a pill, than take responsibility to work with them.
Besides, lack of sleep mimics ADHD in symptoms. Almost every child is sleep
deprived.
Now, lest
you think I am an alarmist, jumping on a bandwagon, let me assure you that I am
not. I see kids like this on a daily basis. Let me share some solutions to the
problems.
1) Teach character! Self-control, integrity, respect,
and consideration for others must be our number 1 priority! We tried to teach
that to our kids (we did an okay job), but I see too many parents abdicating
their responsibility in this area. The schools, their peers, the Internet, video
games, TV, and movies will NOT, I repeat will NOT teach these things.
2) Work on a relationship with your kids. A weekly parent-child visit to a
coffee shop; a walk together; family dinners; a family ride in the car; a
family vacation (without their best friend) all provide the family bonding that
is so crucial to growing up.
3) Listen with empathy when they share
things. But be firm in your boundaries and consequences. That’s a powerful
combination: gentleness and firmness. The opposite (which we too
often default to) is harshness by reacting, and anger. And then we give in.
I’ll write
more in two weeks when I finish the book. Meanwhile, sit down and have a talk
with your kids. If you’ve been too lenient (screens in the bedroom at night? An
absolute no-no!), explain that you are not doing your job as parents. Yes they’ll
object, perhaps violently. But persevere, be courageous. It’s worth it in the
end…
P.S. If you
want to read others who have a the same opinion of our parenting now, read http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
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