Perfectionism or Excellence?

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you wear that title like a badge of pride?

Or are you really someone who simply strives for excellence?

What’s the difference?

Many people do identify themselves as perfectionists, but I’d like to suggest that perfectionism is destructive, causing much angst and even harmful to relationships. Many cases of depression, anxiety, and low self esteem stem directly from a perfectionist mindset. But all of us agree that excellence is a noble and worthy goal.

I am a recovering perfectionist. My favorite quote from Alfred Adler is, that to be healthy emotionally, we need to “develop the courage to be imperfect.” This quote hangs on the wall in my office, to remind me, as well as my clients that perfectionists have an unrealistic standard for themselves. Usually it is based on a performance mentality, that is: “I am not good enough unless I DO things perfectly, or “I need to be the BEST at this thing…” Can you see why this would be so discouraging? If my value as a person depends on my performance, then always there will be some better or worse than me and my worth is resting on shifting sands.

Excellence, on the other hand, does not act as such a harsh taskmaster.  Contrast the self talk of a person striving for excellence and a person driven to perfectionism.  “I want to, I wish, I would like…” are internal messages that a person tells themselves as they work hard to achieve a goal. Their goal, unlike that of the perfectionist, is realistic. They are stating their goals as a wish or a desire.  “I should, I must, I ought to…” says the perfectionist to him or herself. Their outlook is based on idealism, not reality. “It should be perfect” really translates into “It’s never good enough!” How discouraging!

The motivation of a perfectionist is often to avoid failure. It’s fear-based. The motive of the person working towards excellence is a desire for success, which is a much more positive one. Which would make a person feel better: to be free, in pursuit of a goal that makes them proud of themselves when they accomplish it? Or to be a slave in a prison of disappointment, frustration, and failure? Perfectionists tend to compare themselves to others, and hence never really feel satisfied. Life for the seeker of excellence is viewed as a challenge that they have chosen, and it is fulfilling when they attain a goal that they have set. The fantasy world of the “shoulds” serves only to rob the individuals of acceptance and dignity. It is based on the lie that people and things have the ability to be perfect.

Perfectionists have trouble with relationships. Living in a constant state of frustration and fear of failure gnaws at one’s ability to connect in a positive, encouraging way. Because they are under the shadow of the world’s unreal demands, they become critical of themselves and critical of others. Harsh judgments slip out of their mouths, when the person they are observing is needing and longing for encouragement. How many times have you heard a child say “My parent always notices when I do wrong, but never when I do right!?” Of course there is a time to correct and guide, but if we are reacting with critical attitude, it may well stem from the unrealistic standards that we have set for ourselves.  The common term for this is “baggage.” Truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is to get help for your own emotional struggles. Perfectionism is, contrary to popular belief, one of them. 

So, be intentional about developing the courage to be imperfect. I used to tell this to my students who struggled with perfectionism, and some of them have told me years later that it has helped them to handle life better. Give yourself the gift of freedom from the curse of negative thinking about yourself and the world. Know that you can actually make mistakes and accept them with dignity. Both you and those you interact with will be happier as you replace the lie of perfectionism with the truth of self-acceptance.