An Antidote to Entitlement in Kids...

I haven't written a blog in a while because I was busy getting my new book out. "Why is the Driveway on Fire? Parenting Your Teens and Tweens" is a compilation of 15 blogs on the subject of parenting that I've written over that years. It's available in e-book and in paperback from Amazon. Today I want to highlight an article from NPR on parenting that I thought was very interesting. It looks at other cultures and how they teach their kids to help/do chores. Very good! I'll put the link here, and you can go to it. It caught my eye because of the catchy title: "Are We Raising Unhelpful, Bossy Kids? Here's the Fix." That's one of the antidotes to entitlement-itis: doing chores. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/03/05/974069925/are-we-raising-unhelpful-bossy-kids-heres-the-fix We Americans can learn a lot from other cultures, so let's humble ourselves and do it!

American History? The Controversy

“American schoolchildren today learn two things about Thomas Jefferson: that he wrote the Declaration of Independence, and that he was a slaveholder. This is a stunted and dishonest teaching about Jefferson.” (Larry P. Arnn, Ph. D., president of Hillsdale College) Arnn goes on to explain that when our nation expanded into the Northwest Territory, slavery was forbidden in that territory…on the motion of Thomas Jefferson. They don’t learn that Jefferson wrote “I tremble for my country, when I reflect that God is just…The Almighty has no attribute that can take side with us in … a contest (between master and slave).” Focusing on the issue of slavery alone is like a peacenik person condemning the world for going to war against Germany in 1914 and 1939. Sure, it would be ideal, but there are other things in the mix. Is slavery wrong? Yes, but did Jefferson and others wrestle with the question? Are we communicating that to our kids? People are complicated, and have many complex issues in every era to wrestle with. To say that slavery was the only issue worth looking at, does our kids a disservice. I was sad to hear an 8th grader tell me that she wouldn’t wear a patriotic mask, because it “wasn’t her.” “I’m not ashamed of my country when I go to other countries,” she hastened to explain to me, “But it just isn’t me.” I responded by saying that “Being patriotic isn’t wrong…” but I didn’t know exactly how to answer her. After all, she’s been taught a different US History that I was. The 1619 Project is a curriculum that makes a person ashamed of America. It’s pre-supposition is that we were focused on slavery, and had nothing but greed and hatred in our hearts as the nation unfolded. The 1776 Curriculum, however, is more objective. It looks at the good that America has brought to the world. “After all, all men are sinners!” I told this 8th grader who has been taught that our founding fathers were all hypocrites. “But what good did they accomplish?” America has been and is today a refuge for many people from nations that do not respect freedom. I pray that many of our youth will see that, and become proud of the United States. In world history, there has never been a country with so many freedoms. May we keep them.

Does What We Eat Affect How We Feel?

I never thought I'd  be writing this. But after several times of the Lord tapping me on the shoulder, I need to. What we eat really has an effect on how we feel. I read a book recently: Take Charge of Your Cholesterol by Dr. Richard Furman, and it really impacted me. For years I'd operated under the assumption that since I fasted once a week, I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted to on the other 6 days. After all, I'm not a junk food junkie, and ate "pretty healthy." Well, that's false. My cholesterol was sky high (and getting higher) and I couldn't manage to take off the extra weight I'd put on. Then I read a book by Carolyn Leaf, one of my favorite authors, and she devotes a whole book to food. I read some other books on the topic too. Hmmmm.  So I decided to do it. I ate vegetables, cut out most red meat, half and half, cheese, sour cream, and egg yolks, replacing them with fruits, lots of vegetables, and even fish. A drastic change... And the FIRST thing I noticed is that I felt better! Surprise! As time went on, I lost the extra weight too, and I have yet to have my cholesterol checked. But I continue to feel better!  So, from a mental health perspective, it DOES have an amazing effect on your soul if you take care of your body. Your soul is your mind, will, and emotions. The feelings we feel are often associated with the soul, but they are inextricably connected to the body as well. Think if you have a headache: it's from your body, but it affects your soul.  So it is with food. Now, if you are an emotional eater, like I am, that poses a problem. How can I get my needs met, and not over-indulge in junk? The answer is substitution. Substitute carrots, spinach, green peppers, broccoli, sweet potatoes, apples, oranges, pears, and bananas for as Carolyn Leaf calls "false food-like substances." The stuff when you read the wrapper, most of it is unpronounceable. That's not real food. And your body knows it.  Try it. Change your eating habits for a few weeks, and see if you don't feel better. Less groggy, less lethargic, more energetic, more zest for life. It's worth it! Take it from a foodie, who's now a real food foodie! -- Cynthia Gill

Covid and Empathy

What have we learned from 7 months of Covid? Well, one thing for sure: we can handle disappointments. They're not fun. They're hard. And we've all had more than our share of them this past several months, some big and some small. But we've all survived. It may seem to some of us that we have had more disappointments in the past 7 months than the past 7 years! I think our kids have had to put up with more disappointments than we ever had to in this short amount of time. How are they handling it? Well, it depends on how we adults are coping. Are we whining and complaining? Or are we accepting it, grudgingly to be sure, but are we accepting it? Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. Most of them don't even complain about wearing masks, that is unless they hear their parents grumbling about it. For many adults, it's more about loss of freedom than anything else. Children don't have that perspective. They simply shrug and adjust.  To be sure we've learned to wash our hands more often. This is great. Many people noticed the hoards of people walking, and families walking together. Bike sales have skyrocketed. So this is how we adjust...One thing that has amazed me is how creatively people have solved problems this past spring and summer. The seniors graduating in 2020 came up with some innovative ways to celebrate, since they couldn't do the traditional things. I saw gatherings at people's houses, in cars; processions of people (all social distancing) with creatively decorated cars. The exuberance of youth could not be extinguished by a pandemic! How about people that had church in their cars? Or on the lawn? Now they're wearing coats and bringing blankets. And everyone learned how to use Zoom, Google hangouts, and 100 other technological devices that make connecting possible. One parent observed that families are finding more things at home to do. Puzzles, crafts, gardening, board games are all making a comeback. My daughter in law went online and bought a whole bunch of crafts as soon as she found out school was going to be at home last spring. Good thing, they were all sold out in a week. Concerts are available online, another new thing.   I want to highlight the good things that have come from this unprecedented time. We all know the bad things (if we have seen any news at all).  We've had to limit our social contacts, and there's a danger that we will become even more cynical about relationships. It could cause us "people people" to spend time alone, reflecting. But for the person who's already lonely (most Americans), it is having lethal and terrible consequences in the rising suicdie rate, rising relapse rate, depression and anxiety have skyrocketed. As a mental health professional, my client load has doubled, and I'm turning people away. For some, they're turning to God and eternal things. "A person's ability to endure is based on their ability to look beyond the physical to the spiritual, and beyond the visible to the invisible.: That's based on II Cor. 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at things that are seen, but at things that are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."   But sadly, not everyone believes it. We can have empathy for those who don't have faith. The elderly have been hit the hardest with Covid, and many of them are terribly lonely. Their kids and grandkids can't visit them. I'm convinced that some are dying of a broken heart. How sad! It's a tragedy. A good opportunity to teach empathy.  But it doesn't help to focus on the negative. Phil 4:8 says "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."  We can learn and teach empathy in this crazy time. We can keep on keeping on...

A Slap on the Wrist

 

If the plague of Covid and the riots/civil unrest in our cities is God’s judgement on our nation, it is a light punishment. Sure it’s inconvenient, it’s disrupted life as we know it. But it is NOT really serious judgement. I’ve talked to people who have lived in nations where they have had  severe discipline from God. People in Germany and Russia where they remember bombs falling out of the sky, and starvation. Have we in America experienced anything like that? NO!

 Wisdom. What does it mean? “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…” doesn’t mean anything to the modern (post-Christian) mind. The average young person doesn’t know how to explain the fear of the Lord.

 But, our (older) generation might not know much better what wisdom is. Think of a 60 something person who has been married 4 times, squandered their lives with drugs, love of money, and fame, and is broken, bitter, overweight, and lonely.

 Jane Russell’s mother said to her, “The Ten Commandments are like the guardrails on mountain passes. The Lord puts those white guardrails there to protect you, not to restrict you…” (Jane Russell: An Autobiography).

 How much better if we just obeyed them! How much wiser we would be!

 God’s commands are simple: love each other, forgive your enemies, don’t strive for money and possessions for yourself, but put God and others first, take care of the world around you, be kind. And obey the 10 commandments.

 During Covid lockdown, I made a quilt of many T-shirts that I’d collected over the years. Hey, I had time! As it lies on our bed now, it brings back many memories: the times I taught volunteers on how to help victims of sex-trafficking, the many trips taking students to Russia, my husband’s bike marathons of the MS 150, my sons at the Naval Academy and in the Marines. As I look at them, I wonder, “What does God think of me?” These are awesome memories, but what about the times I was prideful, lustful, covetous? You don’t get a T-shirt to remember those. Thank God that they are buried, under the blood! Lord, I receive your forgiveness.

 In I Tim.1:8-11, it lists 13 grievous sins and contrasts that to the “glorious gospel” of Jesus. As I look at them, I realize that I was guilty of many of them, in fact even now I wrestle with some of them. Hmmmm. Lord, give me wisdom and grace to live as You would have me to! I’m glad that the verses following it speak of His abundant grace and mercy. Where would we be without those?

 

My point is that we need to live with wisdom now. The fear of God. When a law was passed legalizing abortion on demand in New York, a great cheer went up (The Harbinger II, by Jonathan Cahn). Times are getting darker. People are calling what is good evil and what is evil good. (Is.5:20)

 

For the sin of abortion alone we deserve to suffer the worst punishment. Lord, have mercy on our nation.

It is popular now to quote II Chronicles 7:14 “If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” But what if we really took it seriously? What if we really did humble ourselves, return to the Lord, and seek His wisdom.

 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Let’s fear God, before anything worse comes upon this land. Let’s stop complaining about the inconveniences of Covid, and be GRATEFUL.

For people interested in seeking God and His wisdom, I’d like to refer you to The Return, a time of prayer and fasting for our nation, that coincides with the Jewish High Holy Days the end of September. (www.thereturn.org) Really powerful. The Harbinger II is a stunning book, you won’t be disappointed if you read even some of it.

Lord, have mercy on our nation.

Masks: We Hide...

 "Church people have worn masks for generations," said a pastor in a recent conversation about the Corona virus and its effect on our world.

 Hmmm, I thought, Too true. Why are people so afraid to be vulnerable? Vulnerability breeds intimacy. And people are so lonely now. It doesn't make sense why people wear (figurative) masks in church.

"How are you?" "I'm fine," we reply, with an artificial smile pasted on our face. "How is your husband?" the person asks. "Oh, he's doing great," we lie, because he's really depressed and we are too. 

The only thing I can think of to blame for this dishonesty-disguised-as-lack-of-sincerity is shame. 

Shame is something we will do anything to avoid. Think of a time you were shamed and I bet it will make you shudder. A visceral response. Humans will do anything to hide it from others. Even lie, be insincere, and pretend. What's a person to do?

 The opposite extreme, not having any boundaries, is equally as much of a problem. 

"How are you?" "Oh I'm going crazy, busy with everything, my son won't call me, my kitchen stove just broke, my sister is mad at me, my mother is a mess, my arthritis has flared up again, and on top of that I have the flu..." Somehow, when we overwhelm people with our problems, we don't end up feeling any closer to them, as they slink away, too eager to escape the awkwardness just unleashed on them. The person who said all that might go away thinking "Well, at least I was honest!" But the problem of our alienation remains. 

A third problem is we don't know how to receive. "How are you?" is always on the tip of our tongues, we don't think of receiving love for ourselves. Many people have trouble with this. Whether it's low self esteem (I'm not worthy of love), or pride (I can give to others, I don't need others to give to me), it needs to be addressed. Let's humble ourselves and receive love from others!

Americans are very lonely. Community is something many of us only dream of, but don't experience. When we go to church, we wear masks to hide our insecurities. After all, we don't want to be like that person with no boundaries. (Or maybe we used to be like that person, and it didn't work very well for us...) Our families are fragmented. We. Are. Lonely.

I'd like to suggest that we change our focus. Perhaps if we thought of how we can encourage them it would make a difference. Perhaps if we didn't spend all our time thinking about what they thought of us (the root of social anxiety, by the way), but made it our goal to say something affirming to a few people, we would leave church more fulfilled. Because then people would want to connect with us. 

Everyone is self-centered. I heard once "when I was 20, I worried what everyone thought of me. When I was 40, I said to myself, 'I'm not going to worry what others think of me.' But now that I'm 60, I realize that no one thinks of anyone else anyway!" Let's change that to start thinking that way when we're in our 20's and 30's. Start by saying positive and encouraging words to people, and don't worry what they think of you. Gradually they will warm up to you. They'll want to have coffee with  you, you can slowly get to know each other, for real.

 Some friends of ours have discovered the house church movement. (www.luke10.com) One thing that everyone does in these meetings is to "check in", to share with each other how they're feeling. "I'm feeling sad today, because I lost an account at work."  "I'm feeling pleased today, because I got a bunch of work done and my daughter called." Starting a small group meeting this way, allows us to have that element of vulnerability so lacking in the American church. I've even heard of marriages saved by this "check in" process. My husband and I have started doing it every day. 

Let's take our masks off in church. Not our physical masks, they're necessary for the time being. But our invisible masks. Find someone, preferably in a small group, that you can connect with. Encourage them. Open up and be a little bit vulnerable with them. Start a church if two or three if you like (read the website, it has some ideas on it).

 We all need connection, even if we're the most introverted person on earth. 

We're made for community.

Defeating Depression

One toll that Covid-19 is taking on us is a rise in Depression. Here are some ideas of how to overcome this malady. 

Depression is rampant in our society. We can win the fight against it!

1. Let yourself be grateful. All of us can find little things to be thankful for. We live in the most affluent nation on earth and have many blessings that we can say "Thank you" for. Write down three things every day that are different, some specific, small things, that elicit an attitude of gratitude in you.

2. Volunteer. Help at a homeless shelter, make meals for shut-ins, help out at a place for orphaned animals, visit elderly people in a nursing home, rake your 90-year-old neighbor’s yard. All of these get the focus off of yourself, and on to someone else. Who has it worse than you. It's guaranteed to make a person feel better.

3. Exercise. Even a 15-minute walk will produce some endorphins, making you feel better. However you like to exercise: biking, jogging, dancing, pilates, walking, playing tennis or basketball...choose one and then figure out how you can do it several times a week. It really works!

4. Write. Journaling is a very successful way to overcome depression. Somehow, committing it to paper gets it out of our mind and articulates it. That's better than letting it sit in our head and ferment. When I journal, I try to end it on a positive note. An inspirational saying, a Bible verse, a poem. This lifts my spirits.

5.  Read the Psalms. David was depressed for over half of the Psalms, and minced no words in expressing it. He vents quite vociferously in some places, for God isn't afraid of emotion! But notice, in every Psalm, there is at least one verse thar shows the faithfulness of God. A little light to illuminate the darkness. David knew all about the dark night, the agony of the soul

6. Connect with someone. It is the tendency of people who are struggling with depression to isolate themselves. Reach out, even though you don't feel like it! Ask a safe person if you can vent to them. Let them know that they aren't to fix you, you just want their listening ear. Don't stay alone, and it's best not to do it through texting. Face-to-face contact is 100% better.

7. Pray about it. I mean short prayers, like, "God, I have lost hope, please help me." "What shall I do about this despair?" Then expect God to answer you, even if you have doubts

8.  Work on something creative, use your hands. Knitting, sewing, weaving, making cards, drawing, painting, playing an instrument, baking, cooking, playdough sculptures, beading, making jewelry, woodworking. These are just a few of ideas you can use to focus on something that you're creating, and it feels good!

9. Cuddle with a pet. If you have one, your love will pour inro the animal, and often it will return to you. If you don't have one, borrow one. Consider getting one, as they are very therapeutic. Or, go to a pet shelter and cuddle with one there. 

10. Educate yourself. Reading or listening to podcasts about depression may help you to overcome it. There are many books and articles that address it, and do a good job. Finding Hope Again by Drs. Neil T. Anderson and Hal Baumchen is a good one.

11. Try something new. A new hobby, something that you've never thought of trying before, will distract you, and may give you a new lease on life. Another language (try Duolingo, a free app that allows you to learn languages easily), woodworking, writing letters to prisoners, gardening, any of the things mentioned in #8 above, Befriend a foreigner, write thank you notes to old teachers you liked, get involved with some cause that you feel strongly about.

12. Smile. It's scientifically proven that smiling makes a person feel better. It uses less muscles to smile than to frown, and it sends the message to your brain that there is something to be happy about. It's also infectious, causing other people to smile, thanks to mirror neurons. Try it!

13. Ask someone to tell you that this too shall pass. It might even get better tomorrow. Or next week, or next month. This came from a depressed client, and it makes sense. The distorted thinking one has is that it'll always be this bad. That's never the case.

14. Are you eating healthy food? Plenty of protein, fruits, and vegetables. And drinking enough water? Beverages low in sugar, caffeine, and alcohol? How about your sleep? You need to take care of yourself physically to feel good.

15. Listen to music. Music stimulates both sides of the brain, and can reach deeper recesses of our soul than talking can. It isn't understood why, (people who have had strokes can sometimes sing, but not talk), but it often works to calm and to encourage us. Have a playlist of encouraging songs ready to play when you get down, and see if they don't work.

If, however, you are seriously depressed, it would be good to see a professional. Rather than judge you, the counselor will help you learn some tools to defeat depression. lt's worth a try! 5 sessions could well be all the person would need. 

A word about medication. I believe that antidepressants are God's gift to us, but are to be used sparingly. If a person is very depressed, they might need something to get them back up to feeling decent again. But rarely should the medication be seen as a permanent solution. You need to change your thinking to get well and stay well. Medications in many cases (but not all) are like the scaffolding on a house that is being built. It's there for a while, but not there long term. Changing one's thinking, figuring out and beating the distortions, is how one builds the house.

You CAN overcome depression!  Many people go through it, and come out the other side. You will too!