Alienated and Shamed: Why Kids Shoot Others

"This is why I believe mental illness may be the biggest health crisis of our lifetimes. Because those kids will grow up into isolated adults who don’t know how to play, or seek out their friends when they are lonely. They have no emotional support."

I posted in October about Play, and I want to repost it here. Because of all the hand-wringing about the Florida shooting. Because some people point to guns as the cause. Guns aren't the cause, loneliness and shame are the causes. When will we wake up to this fact? When will the teachers' unions allow us to have vouchers so we can send our kids to smaller schools? To arts school, where they can thrive, or at least have a chance! 

Read on...

"If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good," says Dr. Seuss. Are we fun-deprived? More importantly are our kids?

I recently heard a TED talk by Peter Gray, a researcher on play. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bg-GEzM7iTk&nohtml5=False   He took time to explain how play is important to mammals, and serves to prepare one for the world by teaching all kinds of skills, such as solving their own problems, empathy, creatively thinking for themselves, and getting along with others.

Then he said something so profound, that I have to write a blog on it! He said, “ Self-directed play gives it its educative power.” 

Wow! SELF-DIRECTED play! That means not sports, where kids are directed by adults what to do. Not games organized by adults. Not anything that adults are involved in. SELF-DIRECTED play.  I can see how it teaches kids skills.

But what has happened to play in the last 6 decides? He argues that is has declined. The amount of time allotted for play has been eaten away. The number one culprit? SCHOOL! Schools in the 50’s allowed ½ hour for recess in the morning and the afternoon. And 1 hour for lunch. And homework for elementary kids was unheard of!

“Today,” he states “The world is less friendly for children.” Now, lest you think he advocates turning the clock back, he concedes that there are many things we have improved on since the 50’s. BUT meeting our children’s needs is NOT one of them!

 “Kids are more depressed than people were in the Great Depressions, more anxious than they were during the Cold War…” he states. It’s no secret that mental illness has risen exponentially among young people. Just look at the suicide rate! 

There’s a direct correlation between a decline in play and a rise in depression and anxiety in kids. If, as the researchers claim, play teaches kids what I mentioned above (solving their own problems, empathy, creatively thinking for themselves, and getting along with others), it stands to reason that children would be more depressed and anxious. For without such skills, they easily develop a victim mentality.

Psychologists call this an “external locus of control.” They believe that “things happen to me,” I have no control. That’s as opposed to an “internal locus of control,” where you make things happen. It’s like two different ways of looking at life. I can either “make it a good day,” by choosing to make the best of what ever comes my way. Or I can lament that “I’m having a bad day,” through no fault of my own, and don’t you feel sorry for me?

So, how can you allow for more play, self-directed, for your kids? For one thing, don’t over-schedule them. They need free time to interact with other kids more than they need to be on another soccer team.
Another way is to plan play dates with their friends. Then stay out of their activities! Encourage them to be bored sometimes! This is hard for us, who want to entertain them every second.

Limit their time on screens, make them earn it.

Here is some added insights on boys that I want to publicize in this blog. It’s from a post by a mental health researcher named Charlie Hoehn, who wrote his thoughts down right after the Vegas shooting..           https://byrslf.co/thoughts-on-the-vegas-shooting-14af397cee2c

Men in the United States are deprived of play opportunities.

Homo sapiens play more than any other species. It’s impossible to prevent a human from playing. We play shortly after we are born, and the healthiest (and least stressed) humans tend to play for their entire lives.

Play may be God’s greatest gift to mankind. It’s how we form friendships, and learn skills, and master difficult things that help us survive. Play is a release valve for stress, and an outlet for creativity. Play brings us music, comedy, dance, and everything we value.

Above all, play is how we bond with each other — it’s how we communicate “I am safe to be around, I am not a threat.” Play is how we form connections with other humans.

The irony is that loneliness would not be a problem if we all got ample time to play. Not only would we have deeper friendships, we’d also have better relationships with ourselves. Play allows us to enjoy our own company.

There is a strong correlation with play deprivation and mental illness.

When you deprive mammals of play, it leads to chronic depression. When you deprive a human child of play, their mental and emotional health deteriorate. Play suppression has enormous health consequences.

“But the Vegas shooter loved to gamble! He went on cruises!”

That’s not the type of play I’m talking about.

To better understand this dynamic, we need to look at the background of another mass shooter.

In 1966, Charles Whitman shot his wife and mother. Then, he climbed up the tower at the University of Texas in Austin, and shot 46 people. In total, he murdered 16 people. At the time, this was the biggest mass shooting of its kind in United States history.

Dr. Stuart Brown and his team of researchers were commissioned to find out what “The Texas Sniper” had in common with other mass murderers.

They gained a key insight when they examined their childhoods.

Brown recalls:

“None of them engaged in healthy rough-and-tumble play. The linkages that lead to Charles Whitman producing this crime was an unbelievable suppression of play behavior throughout his life by a very overbearing, very disturbed father.

Healthy and joyful play must be had in order to thrive. Boys need to wrestle with their dads, and they need to roughhouse with other boys. Parents and teachers need to play with their kids.

But more importantly, they need to encourage those kids to go out and play. And then, let them be.

“It’s 10 o’clock. Do you know where your kids are?”

Ever since that famous ad aired, parents have shamed each other into watching their kids like a hawk.

If you let your kid walk up the street alone, you’ll either get a call from another parent, or the cops will pick them up. Our kids are stripped of their right to experience life on their own terms.

In an effort to improve our kids’ test scores and beef up their future resumes, we’ve stripped away nearly all of their free play opportunities. Recess has been sacrificed in the name of Scantrons, and pills are prescribed to the kids whose bodies and minds cry out for play.

The result: A generation of the most anxious, depressed, and suicidal American children on record.

This is in alignment with Dr. Peter Gray’s research, who studied the epidemic of mental illness and the decline in play:

“Over the past half century, in the United States and other developed nations, children’s free play with other children has declined sharply. Over the same period, anxiety, depression, suicide, feelings of helplessness, and narcissism have increased sharply in children, adolescents, and young adults… The decline in play has contributed to the rise in the psychopathology of young people.

This is why I believe mental illness may be the biggest health crisis of our lifetimes. Because those kids will grow up into isolated adults who don’t know how to play, or seek out their friends when they are lonely. They have no emotional support.

They are alone.

*****

If you’ve read this far, you know my passion is to prepare the next generation for leadership. I weep and shudder at the deficits that the past 50 years have brought to kids. But we can turn it around.

With God’s help we can bring healing and health to those we love. Let's let the kids mature as God intended.  Let's revive good old-fashioned play.

Am I Codependent? What is it anyway?

You’ve probably heard the word, “codependent” or “codependency”. What IS that and how might it affect me?

Codependency happens in relationships where one person is defined by what another person thinks, needs, or desires. A codependent person has his or her mood, happiness, and identity linked to another person. “I’m happy if you’re happy with me. I’m in a good mood because you’re in a good mood.”

There is usually an excessive emotional reliance on a partner. One person supports or enables another’s irresponsibility, immaturity, under-achievement, addiction or poor mental health.

Some examples of codependent behavior are:

1)      Parents who let their adult children “mooch” off of them. They continue to allow him or her to live with them, giving the “child” money, and favors—hoping that they will change. Their adult child is irresponsible, demanding, and spoiled, and the parents end up resenting him/her.

2)      A wife who enables her husband to not have to work, or to go in late to work because of his laziness or his addiction, by “covering up” for him. She might even take on extra hours herself to help pay the bills. She ends up resenting this.

3)      A young man who looks up to his superior and seems to be blind to his faults. He does everything the superior wants him to, even though the elder one is harsh, puts him down, and uses him. The young man becomes resentful.

 In all of these and many more, there is one person in the relationship who is over-functioning and harbors increasing anger over their unbalanced role. But they feel trapped, unable to get out of the cycle. 

Why is this?

I tell my clients that two things come into play here.

The first is lack of boundaries. Andy is an “oppressor codependent” and Betty is the “victim codependent.” Betty does not set boundaries with Andy because she knows that he will not respect those boundaries.  There could be a host of other reasons, including thinking she is selfish if she sets boundaries, or she will hurt him. But it’s certain that Andy will either laugh at the boundaries or get mad at them.  After all, things have gone on fine for him with no boundaries, so why should he change?

 The second thing preventing Betty from getting out of this cycle is False Guilt. Yes, there is a thing called FALSE guilt. You see, when the victim, Betty, starts to stand up for herself and say “Enough” or “No,” then Andy will accuse her of being selfish, bad, uncaring, or worthless. How long can Betty stand up to such treatment? Without support, Betty will cave in, feeling SO GUILTY, and the cycle will start all over again.  Some people are trapped in this cycle for decades.

 Andy needs Betty to be dependent on him, because she meets his needs in some way. This is common, such as adult children whose parents buy them cigarettes. Or the narcissist who uses his girlfriend for sex. 

In the Andy/Betty example, Betty needs Andy to be dependent on her for HER identity and sense of worth. After all she is a hero or a noble martyr for “saving” Andy.

Can you see how both parties are ensnared with codependency?

Codependency in the church

 Have you ever invited a guest to a church service, and then heard the message through the guest’s ears? You don’t get anything out of the sermon for yourself, because you’re obsessed with how your guest is hearing it! 

Have you ever read a book and thought, “So and so would really benefit from reading this book?” Never mind that YOU could receive something from it too; it’s all about the other person. “If only she/he would read this book…”

 Your desire in these situations to fix the other person is codependency.

Your desire to rescue the other person is codependency.

How about prayer? The “codependent intercessor” is one who is so burdened down by the problems of another that he/she cannot think of anything else!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that God gives us desires to pray for other people. Sometimes strong ones! But, I’m talking about a person that is so obsessed with the burden, they get emotionally “down” and can’t think about anything else.

Is that ever you?

Somehow we’ve gotten the thought that we need to fix people, rescue them, or change them in order to please God. This is false! God Himself is very good at fixing and rescuing, but we, on the other hand, are not. Better to ask Him how we can serve them. How can we meet their needs? Many times this servant approach will soften their hearts and they will be more open to God working in their lives. But all too often WE strive to change them and the other person senses it. And they even harden their hearts about changing even more because of it.

 Our relationship with our third son, Jay, is an example of codependency. For years we were the typical codependent Christian parents. Controlling everything we could think of controlling in his chaotic life. When Jay rebelled, ran away, and got into drugs, it took a while for us to see the error of our ways. Jerry and I went to a pastor’s conference, where we were given a new insight into our proper role as parents. The speaker said, “The glory of God is His love. In Ex. 34:6 it says; ‘The Lord, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness…’” (This is the short version) We realized that we had not been showing unconditional love for Jay. Rather it was: “I’ll love you if you’ll change!” This kind of statement shows no regard for his freedom of choice.

 So, we repented. That’s an old-fashioned word that means you change your thinking. Since then, our relationship with Jay has steadily improved, and he even calls Jerry to ask his advice from time to time. But what had to happen first was a change in the ways WE related to him.

How many of the rest of us have people that we are holding under judgment, keeping them at a “holy arm’s length”, until they do what we want them to? It would be to our benefit and theirs if we just gave them their freedom. We could even have a relationship with them.

I counseled a lady who struggled with codependency. She couldn’t relate to her 21 year old daughter without bringing up all the problems she had. Now they were serious problems like abuse, homelessness, and drug abuse. But whenever she brought them up, the girl got real defensive. I told her she should talk about something completely different. Like, what would she do if she got a million dollars? If she could travel anywhere in the world, where would she like to go and why? What’s her favorite dessert? Describe her hero or heroine. Much better to build a relationship with her, and then pray like crazy in secret for her.

So where can we begin the process on dismantling the codependency?

Start with boundaries.

My boss, Dr. Hal Baumchen, suggested these ten strategies for establishing boundaries to keep yourself from stumbling into this treacherous trap.

Strategies for Establishing Boundaries

1.      Set limits for yourself and stick to them. This simple discipline will sharpen your skill and give you the ability to live within your limits and expect others to do the same. Practice it on a daily basis.

2.      Think long term. Codependent actions often seek easy and short term solutions in order to have comfort in the moment. Allow your loved one to hurt now, hoping that he or she will change course rather than repeat mistakes you continue to try to fix.

3. Accept the consequences. Accept the fact that if you don’t enable or rescue your loved one, you too will experience part of the consequence. Be willing to endure the pain of someone else’s poor choice.

4. Manage your own character. Make your goal your own attitude and character. Resist the urge to change, fix or control someone else. Limit yourself, examine your motive, and maintain your mood and disposition. Refuse to let someone else’s behavior control or determine your mood.

 5. Choose to love. Separate your loving attitude from your codependent enabling behaviors. Choosing to love the person and not enable their poor choices will leave them to experience the consequences of their own actions, and in turn become more responsible.

6. Know your vulnerabilities. Perhaps there are certain people or situations that leave you particularly prone to compromising your boundaries. Make a list of these volatile or sensitive situations. Set firm boundaries and limits – for yourself! Then stick to the plan even if it produces emotional pain or ambivalence for you.

7. Consequences linger. Poor choices and flawed decisions have lasting consequences. People are often tempted to rescue another person because they are reluctant to face the long-term consequences of another person’s poor choices. Understanding and being willing to live with the long-term consequences allows you to develop strong boundaries and live within them.

8. Increase your own independence. The less you need someone for your contentment, security, and happiness, the less you will need their actions and decisions to be perfect. Get stronger, expand your life, and be an initiator in your own life rather than a responder to someone else’s.

9. Face the truth. Codependent behavior is produced by a desire to deny, rationalize, and minimize the truth, and minimize the consequences for someone else. Stick to the truth, even if it brings consequences for another person. Are you being objective?

10. If necessary, limit contact. If you’re having trouble setting and maintaining good boundaries with someone, consider having less frequent contact. You are not making them go away from you. You are willing to withdraw yourself, set boundaries and limits, or avoid them in order to protect yourself.

Let’s do some self-reflection, and set ourselves and others free from our codependent thinking. It’s good for all parties concerned!

In January we all fast...

I'm re-posting this blog that I wrote a few months ago, because "in January we all fast..." Whether you just want to take off 5 pounds that you put on over the holidays, or start a new regimen, read this and get some ideas on the topic.

It’s the best kept secret of the American church. Perhaps the church world-wide, but I think it’s less well known in the west. After all, we are affluent, and we can’t help that.

But I’d like to extol the benefits of fasting in this blog. As someone who has fasted once a week (and occasionally longer) for 44 years, I’d like to share with you what I’ve found.

1)      Fasting humbles the soul. There’s no doubt about it! Whether it’s calming fights with your spouse, or just enabling you to stay out of strife in general, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been spared the hardship that comes from verbal altercations. After all, James 4: 1-6 points out that our fights come from our pride. I attribute our happy marriage in part to the fasting that has helped me keep my mouth shut often!

2)      We are rich. But we’re to be poor in spirit. (Matt. 5:3). We have no concept of the poverty that much of the rest of the world has to live with. But, we can identify with them and with Christ’s sacrifice, if we fast from food for a time.

3)      It makes us grateful! Anyone can see that abstaining from something will bring thankfulness when we have it again. I’ve found this to be true with food, rather than living nearly full most of the time.

4)      It allows us to hear from God more clearly. Jesus said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matt 4:4) One thing that got me fasting from the beginning was a teaching that I heard on just this topic. When we are satiated, say at Christmas, it is hard to hear the Lord clearly. We become kind of dull of hearing, and God’s word seems distant. When we fast, however, we can perceive His word to us clearly and immediately. “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: ‘Here am I.”’ (Is. 58:9)

5)      It brings us out of our self-centeredness. All humans are self-focused, some due to their upbringing are more so than others. But all are! When we practice fasting, not like the Pharisees who did their fasting to be noticed by people, (Matt. 6:16-18) but really humbling ourselves, we get set free from that self-focus. This goes with my first point about avoiding fights, but it also can bring us creative ideas about things to do for others too.

Now I used to think that fasting had to be 40 days to count, or at least a week. But, one day a week can do wonders for you. After all, the Bible says to rest 1 in 7 days, (Ex. 20:8), so why not rest your digestive system as well? I’m convinced that many health ailments that afflict Americans could be bright under control of we would fast.

Isaiah 58:6-12 is a beautiful passage that is filled with promises about people who fast God’s way. Some of them are:  loosing the chains of injustice, opportunities to share with the poor and lost, healing, answered prayer, absence of confusion, and guidance from God. We’ll be like a “well-watered garden”, we’ll flourish, and be called “Repairer of the Broken-down Walls.” I don’t know about you, but I want and need those things! Doubtless there’s more embedded in that passage, I am just giving you a tiny taste.

But watch out! The enemy is very sly. You will (I repeat you will) fall into the pharisaical attitude of self-righteousness. Again and again. “If I give my body to be burned, but have not love…” (I Cor.13: 3) So we repent over and over, and recognize that we are fallen, broken people who need a savior.

Some people say “Well, what about fasting from TV, or video games, or desserts, or some such thing?” All I can say about these things is great, go ahead and abstain from them. But don’t think that that will have the same effect as abstaining from food. There’s something about denying yourself this very basic need that speaks to our flesh in an irrefutable way. “Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the body and the body is for food, but God will destroy them both.” (I Cor. 6:12,13)

Telling your body that it is not in control is a heady experience. We understand that the flesh wars against the spirit (Romans 6 & 7). The one you feed the most will win! Starve the flesh by fasting and praying, seeking God for a time. But again, beware! Col.2:16-23 warns us that there is not spiritual value in fasting for its own sake.

People fast for health reasons. It brings the appetite under control, and there are a host of other secular reasons to fast. How about us, can we not benefit spiritually and in our bodies?

Some practical points:           

*Don’t expect to lose weight if you fast; when you are done fasting, you will eat more. But it can help you maintain your present weight, not gain. (Unless you cut out sugar completely for a season; then you should take off a few pounds.)

*You’ll find that you forget things when you fast. Not too difficult to deal with, just inconvenient.

* You can still exercise. Only in 21^st century America do we believe that we might die if we have to go a few hours without food! I’ve fasted 3 days and run 2 ½ miles effortlessly. Repeat this to yourself “ I WILL NOT DIE!” Sometimes you can even exercise more easily without the burden of having to digest all that food.

* You might get headaches and/or slight nausea. I usually tough it out, and they go away. Or take a little pain killer. If you are on a medication that needs to be taken with food, then for gosh sakes, eat something. Recently I’ve taken to drinking one caffeinated drink so I don’t get a headache when I fast.

* There are still benefits when you fail. Even a little fast if you are seeking the Lord, can help. Don’t beat yourself up when you fail! (Notice I said when, not if)

Jesus assumed that all his followers would fast. (Matt 6:16-18), and it is practiced throughout Acts. Throughout church history, many saints and people fasted. In modern times people such as Jim Elliot and Bill Bright fasted regularly.

 It truly humbles the soul, and who among us doesn’t need humbling now and then?

HOPE from Dickens

In spite of the rather presumptuous and pompous title, The Man Who Invented Christmas is a great movie. In fact, it’s marvelous! Taking place in Dickens’ own lifetime, it shows the struggle he went through in writing A Christmas Carol, inner turmoil that all writers go through. But it is more than that. Inside all of us lives a Scrooge, and the sooner we come to grips with that, the better. Dickens realized it, after wrestling with the story for weeks.  

If you remember the story, Tiny Tim says in the end “God bless us every one.” Well, at first Dickens was going to have him die, and have Scrooge NOT change at all. How different the story would have been! I doubt if it ever would have seen the light of day, had he written it as he originally intended to. The over-arching message of the story is that people CAN change, and that truly gives Hope.

At the end of the movie, we see this: “A Christmas Carol came out on Dec. 19, 1843, and it was all sold out by Christmas Eve. Charitable giving soared…” Now I know that Dickens wasn’t the only person who influenced the culture at that time. William Wilberforce had died just 10 years prior to that, and he was a tremendous influence on the culture as a whole. Making it a good thing to be unselfish, generous, and kind, especially to those who were less fortunate.

But it seems we need to be reminded every decade or so. Live to give. Don’t yield to the Scrooge within. We watched The Christmas Shoes just one night before. If you aren’t familiar with that movie, it is a good story about the softening of a father’s heart for his family. It’s a real tear-jerker, but worth watching. I found myself softening, towards my husband, towards my grandchildren, slowing down to be thankful for little things.

How many times in counseling do I say to my clients that they need to be thankful in order to be happy? But I need to be reminded of it myself. I could relate to Dickens’ wife, because I’m married to a writer too. And like she said, it’s not always easy. (Jerry would admit to that!) But overall, I do have a lot to be thankful for, not the least of which is that Jerry is not as emotional and eccentric as Dickens!

This Christmas, let me leave you with one thought: Be generous and humble. Be Jesus to people. He came to earth so that you can do this, by His grace.

The Gift of Self Denial: Do We Give It to Ourselves?

 

I recently read an article called “The Gift of Self-Denial” in a magazine, and got to thinking that it’s sadly lacking in most of our thinking. Especially this time of year! How many of us spend any time at all reflecting on the command of Jesus: “Deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow me?” (Luke 9:23)

So much of our focus is on ourselves, and what to give others for Christmas. What to give Dad, who has everything? What does little Joey want? Will Sally be pleased with my present? That’s not wrong (I do it myself), but what about the gift of self-control?

I’m going to take some paragraphs from the well written article in Focus on the Family Magazine*.  Get ready…

“It’s not a bad thing to let our kids go without something they want. …I tell my boys that practicing self-restraint is like exercising a muscle. The more we assay no to some desire, the easier it is to say no to something that is appealing but harmful when it really matters. Occasionally, one of them would get over attached to a toy or video game.  It seemed he had to have that object or game to be OK.

But I knew he would be OK without it, and I set about to prove it to him. “I think it’s time to fast form this game for a while,” I’d say.

Gasping, my son would say “No! I love it! Please, mom!”

“Honey, you are stronger than you think,” I’d say. “You think you can’t live without this game. I know you can. Nothing on earth should have this kind of power over you.

                       

                                                            ***

 Self-reflection time. When's the last time that you told yourself "NO?" Are YOU dependent on things for happiness?

 Now, when you look at the trends today: increased suicide rates among young people, sky-rocketing depression and anxiety rates, fewer kids than ever graduating from college, fewer people starting their own businesses, a drastic drop on achievement for Americans in the academic arena…Why? Could it be lack of self-control? Research, sadly, says yes. ** It’s very sobering.

So we need to go against the trend. To teach self-restraint is our job. To practice it ourselves.

                                                            ***

Back to the story:

“It was difficult watching each son go through times of withdrawal. But they eventually found something else to do. It’s an amazing phenomenon: Once you get past the pain of self-denial, there’s actually relief on the other side.

My boys discovered that they didn’t need a toy to be OK. And when they finally did get their toy back, something beautiful happen: They were grateful. Once my boys realized they could live without something, they rarely returned to their unhealthy affection for it.”

                                                            ***

We all can learn something from this, whether or not we’re a parent. Practice self-restraint! It’s idolatry to be dependent on things, and John says at the end of one of his letters: “Little children, keep yourselves  from idols.” (I John 5:21)

So this Christmas, let’s give ourselves the gift of self-denial. Now, lest you think I’m a Scrooge or a Grinch, let me hasten to add that my family celebrates Christmas with gusto.

But, tempered with the underlying need for self-control.

To quietly deny oneself is truly good for the soul.

*Focus on the Family Magazine, Dec.2017-Jan 2018 by Susie Larson
** The Collapse of Parenting by Dr. Leonard Sax