There’s a “nightmare sequence” for Christian parents that
goes something like this:
“Mr. Jones, this is the police. We have your son here; he
was arrested for possession of marijuana…”
“Mom, I’m pregnant…”
“Dad & Mom there’s something I have to tell you, I’m
gay.”
“You forced me to go to church, and now that I’m 18, I want
you to know that I am an atheist and will never go again!!”
There is nothing to compare to the fear, guilt, and grief in
a parent’s heart when they hear that their children have chosen to turn their
backs on the parents’ cherished beliefs.
When the children embrace a lifestyle that the parents not only disagree
with, but which they have spent years trying to inoculate against, many parents
sink into despair and say, “How did I fail?” Some parents may even reject the child,
cutting them off from the family until they “repent”. In their anger, parents blame
the Devil, the church, the pastor, or even God. The parents may even leave the
church or the faith themselves.
In my experience as a counselor, I find that the number one
reason children reject God is that they feel shame when they think of Him.
Why is that?
Inadvertently as parents, we often use shame to teach our
children obedience. After all, that’s how our parents taught us right and
wrong. But shame is toxic. Shame is the belief that “I am bad.” This differs
from feelings of guilt, which says “I did something bad.” When people feel that they are bad to the
core, they despair. We were not designed to live in shame.
Theologically, we know that all mankind has fallen into sin
and we need to be restored to a relationship with God through Christ in order
to remove our shame. But all too often we teach our children that that restoration
occurs through works, not grace. We can quote Eph 2:8 & 9 (“For it is by grace you have been saved,
through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by
works, so that no one can boast.”) backward and forwards. But still in our
heart of hearts we communicate that a person’s acceptance depends on their
performance. Why? Because we (emotionally) believe that ourselves! And it robs
us and our children of peace and joy daily.
For example, take a look at this common child rearing
practice. Jack hits his brother and steals his cookie. “Jack, WHY did you do that?” we cry in
distress. Really the only correct answer that Jack can give to this question is
“well, mom, theologically speaking, I have a sinful nature, and my flesh got
the better of me, I am bad to the core.” When we ask a child the WHY question, that
is usually a shaming question.
Another parental error is to focus too much on the behavior
of the child and not enough on the relationship with the child. If we are
honest with ourselves, we would see that what we are really worried about is
not the behavior, but about what others will think of US because of the
misbehavior of our children.
Dr. Karyn Purvis, an international authority on raising
troubled children, says, “Connection needs to come before correction. Every
child needs to know his or her preciousness.”
(www.child.tcu.edu) When a child
is constantly “corrected” day after day, the child gets the idea that he is
never good enough, that she can never totally win our approval unless she is
perfect. So why would a child want to serve a God that is even more difficult
to please? God’s way to bring change to lives is through relationship, a
mentoring, disciplining, and loving relationship. The Grace of God changes from
the inside out, which is really the exact opposite of shame-based methods we
all too often employ.
In my conversations with many “adult children of Christian
parents”, I’ve asked them if they know why so many of their peers have left the
faith. Their answers can be summarized in two words: “hypocrisy” and “legalism.” With such an
indictment on our spiritual walk, no doubt these words produce copious amounts
of guilt in parents’ hearts. But let’s look at them.
No one would deny that we make mistakes, but it seems that
if our children name it “hypocrisy,” what they are really saying is that we are
refusing to admit these mistakes. Jesus was very blunt with the Pharisees,
calling them out for their refusal to admit that they were putting up a
religious façade. People who cover up their failures, who put on a pretentious
front, are actually covering up their own shame.
I’ve told countless parents that one of the best gifts they
can give their children is to deal with their own emotional issues. We can only
reproduce what we are. How can we expect our children to “get it” about a
loving God when we ourselves are so filled with shame? One indication of this
shame is that we always have to be “right”. When my dad was teaching me to
drive, he warned me to be very careful at intersections where I had the right
of way. “You can be dead right,” he explained. This analogy carries over into
relationships. Needing to be “right” can do more to kill your relationships than
almost any other thing.
“Legalism” is the notion that we gain our “perfect standing
with God” through following a set of rules. Such performance-based Christianity
is taught both explicitly and implicitly in many churches and families
around the world. It produces tired, self-righteous, and discouraged people
whose concept of God is that He is harsh, distant, and unloving. The leaders
tell their people to “try harder” when they struggle. Parents inadvertently
pass this concept on to their children, and then wonder why some them choose
not to follow Him. Again, the answer is
to get our own hearts right with God, to push past the “try harder” stage into
true grace, which is accepting God’s power and love, cooperating with Him so He
changes us from the inside out. The legalism that our children perceive, as we
rush around trying to get ourselves and others to perform to a certain
standard, (and then not admitting it when we fail), is a far cry from being motivated
by love, experiencing brokenness, and receiving His gentle, firm correction
when we need it.
The opposite of legalism is true grace. More than any other
author, Philip Yancey articulates the concept eloquently.
One more thing I would add to the list is a wrong use of
power. Many parents, pastors, teachers, and bosses become very enamored with
their position of authority. They somehow get the idea that they are
infallible, and conduct their relationships with those under them as if they,
as a leader, are always right. Pity the person who is spirited enough to
challenge them! Those poor souls will be immediately labeled as “rebel”, “incorrigible”
“not able to receive correction.” And then the victims are “dealt with
accordingly”, which usually involves shaming, crushing, or ostracizing them.
Some pastors and parents conduct an emotional “Reign of Terror” by having this
mindset, especially if they are in a system that perpetrates such beliefs. Is it any wonder that 80% of our young people
run from the church when they get the chance?
Sarah Bessey, popular author and speaker (www.sarahbessey.com ) said, “I got PTSD
from the church.” She, along with many others, such as Micah Murray, (www.micahjmurray.com ), blog regularly
about the need to respect the dignity of each person. Abuse of authority is a
major reason many youth are launched in to the world wounded. Not surprisingly,
they do not succeed for an extended length of time in the pursuit of their
goals.
We have met the enemy, and it is us! How can parents and other leaders learn to
model respect, dignity, and humility? In future blogs I’ll address this
question. The future of our children and grandchildren depends on our ability
to really “get grace.”
